TIME HEALS

Last night was bad for me. I felt really lonely. I just wanted to be with friends to talk to friends but I didn't want to call anyone as I was in one of those down moods and I would not be pleasant to talk to. I doubted that I even had friends that cared, but of course I do. I thought that I could not have friends because I did not know how to be a friend. I thought my friends were letting me down but that is only because I have too many expectations and I realized that I should not expect anything and then I can't be disappointed.

I was also thinking about my ex and how he made me feel that the break-up was my entire fault. I was the one who was wrong and I was the reason for all his problems. But after agonizing I realize he has to take some responsibility as well. He could have stood up to me at any time; I had no control over him. The break-up was just as much his fault as mine. I know I was always supportive of him and still speak kindly of him to others. But he never really supported me mentally. He never gave me the help I needed or was searching for but then again I should not rely on others. I also began to think that he never loved me that he only thought he loved me because it was the right thing to do. And then I doubted my own love, have I ever loved anyone (apart from family) or has anyone ever loved me. Sometimes the words, " I love you" are said too easily. And in my relationships I have said them first 99% of the time. Perhaps I don't really know what love is or perhaps I am so afraid I will never find someone I truly love that truly loves me I said those words too quickly. I got myself in to a very bad state yesterday. I went for a walk and thought about all this, I cried on my walk but the solitude was good and I could think. And soon I was OK again, I still thought about it all, but we all have to take responsibility for ourselves. I have always tried to treat people well; I am a loyal person and for the most part honest. I never willing tried to hurt or harm anyone and I have respected for people. Even when my ex asked me to leave, I could have refused, but realized you can't make someone love you, so I left without a fight. I want to hate him but I can't. I have loved others before and I have loved another after and someday I will meet someone I love who loves me. I know in my heart I am a good person even if I have momentary doubts. It would be nice to have friends who could listen to me in such a state but it wouldn't be fair to them and it is better for me to go through this myself. The healing is taking a long time but I will heal and I will be a better person.



This is the clock tower of the old post office in my town, which is now a pseudo English pub.

The grain elevators of my town are a reminder of the town's rural beginings. These elevators are next to the train tracks, but this mill recently closed and grains are now shipped further by truck.

SMALL TOWN LIFE

For the moment I am living in a small town, I actually grew up and was raised in the country on a farm about three miles from this town. After living in cities for so many years, small town life is tough. Perhaps it is because I am gay or perhaps it is just because of who I am. Let me describe the town.
It was once a rural centre, where farmers would come to do their marketing. The town was founded on the basis of the railway so it became a stop where crops could be shipped via the trains. The town has all the basic necessities today, but if people want luxuries most drive the 20 miles to the city. This small town has no public transport, no cinema and two trains a day on the Windsor-Quebec corridor offer the only escape except for the automobiles everyone has. Small towns make a car a necessity. Living in a city with out a car you forget that in small towns everyone has a car. All the families I know have at least two cars most more. The town is not planned so you can easily walk to a shop or grocery store. Even kids get bussed to school if they live more than a mile from the school. Public transport is not feasible in a town so small and it makes the automobile king.

The town had its roots as an agriculture centre, but now is more of a suburb for the city near by and somewhat of a centre for automotive parts production for the big assembly plants easily accessible from Detroit/Windsor to Oakville via the highways. Ironic that a town so dependent on the car helps manufacture them.

Most people would say the town is a great place to raise a family. At first glance that seems like a good idea, in a small town you are more likely to know your neighbours, the community is still largely based on churches and the smaller schools seem like better places than the larger city schools for kids to be educated. But a small town also lacks the museums, galleries and complete sport facilities (Apart from the ice rink present in every small town in Canada!) of a larger urban centre. But a small town also lacks exposing people to different cultures. And the churches can also make people somewhat narrow minded and provincial.

The town was first settled by the British but after the Second World War came the Dutch and the Portuguese. Both communities are very strong in the town. While the majority of people are still of British roots, the newer immigrants have more traditions and cultural reasons for staying cohesive. I went to school with the first of the Canadian-born children of the Dutch and Portuguese. The town now has several Dutch Delis and several Portuguese Bakeries. But gradually through inter-marriage these groups are losing their uni-cultural identity and becoming a part of multi-cultural Canada.

For a gay man, small towns don’t offer much. Everyone stays in the closet for fear of rumours. While there certainly are gays in this town, they all go to the city where it is easier to be themselves. I want out!

FAMILY
Tonight, my brother with MS came over, as we were finishing supper. He seemed all right but then the topic of access to his daughter was soon raised. He wants access to his daughter but his ex-wife has been denying him free access after he had a blow-up with her and verbally assaulted her. He has had numerous supervised visits at my parents and did manage an unsupervised visit last weekend. He says his separation agreement gives him access so he wants it. He said he was going over to demand access and if his ex-wife did not give him access he would call the police. Perhaps legally he is right, but he believes the terms of the separation agreement can never be changed, this is where he is wrong, she can contest his access and possibly has grounds for doing so after his verbal assault of her in front of witness or his deteriorating medical condition which might not make him suitable for long unsupervised visits with his daughter. Anyway his emotions erupted and then my father’s emotions erupted. I tried to play peacekeeper and did have a little success. My brother and father eventually calmed down. We are asking that my brother take someone with him when he next sees his legal council just to make sure he is hearing everything correctly as often he seems to only hear what he wants. I hope he will be OK. Just before he arrived my parent’s had been arguing/discussing their retirement finances and that was not a pretty picture either. My parents are stressed about my father’s retirement and about their baby son. I hope they can all weather these storms successfully. At their age I am sure they thought problems with children would be long gone, but it seems you never stop being a parent.

NEEDED SUPPORT

It was wonderful to get such a positive comment from a dear friend on my last entry. Sometimes when we are down we forget that we do have true friends that care about us. I was feeling sorry for myself and chose to ignore friends that are kind, loving and supportive. I am sorry I assumed friends don’t care, they do and well they may not always be around when I want them most it is because they are not aware of my immediate need but surely would be if I asked for their help. To all my friends, thank you. Thanks for being there for me, thanks for being so supportive. I just hope you realize if you ever need my help or support I will be there to help in any way that I can. Friends are sacred to me and I go to great lengths to hang on to those people that have played an important part in my life. But there is always room in my life for more friends and I look forward to future friends I’ve yet to meet.

A more modern tower, the water tower of my town.Although not clear in my picture, a communication tower has been added to the top for cellular phones. Even the more modern towers evolve.

A residential tower once a symbol of wealth now used as a place to install a satellite dish, changing times!

PHOTO OPS


Not much to report this weekend. A rather quiet weekend I am afraid. I have been taking a few pics. I did a series on towers of the small town where I live. This is in response to a request by FD to write about the town where I live and I will do that soon. I then did a series of pics of the larger city nearby. It is of motels and restaurants that have been around for at least 50 years, they used to be on the main road into the city before the modern 4-6 lane expressways were built. I think the pictures capture the era quite while and although the restaurants and motels have not aged well they are a bit of our local history. I also took the picture for my Christmas card this year…yes I am planning ahead but if I don’t I will be rushing at the last minute trying to come up with an idea. As it is it would have been easier having someone behind the camera to take the picture but I did manage a few acceptable pics…..PM come help me take the perfect pic for my Christmas card!

I am getting really frustrated at trying to meet people in this town/city. I have tried bars and the Internet. I seem to meet people who seem interested and say lets meet, but then they never actually want to…why can’t they be honest! I have even been out with guys a few times and they say they want to go out again but make up excuses why they can’t…isn’t anyone honest these days. Tell me you just don’t see us going anywhere…I am a big boy I can take the truth. It seems no one cares for my company at the moment. Perhaps it is me, I know I am at a bad place right now, but I think I am handling it well and when I meet people I don’t go on about my problems. Or perhaps people just don’t want to get involved with an unemployed middle-aged man. Or perhaps as someone said maybe I am trying to hard, perhaps people sense my desperation. Who knows…time will tell…although I never have been good at making friends..perhaps a new approach is needed!
I

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Last night a guy I have met at a bar and who I see in a chat room all the time offered to give me a massage. I am not interested in the guy sexually, but hey a massage is good. He said he would be naked (ah OK!) and did I have any limits…let me think…I’ll tell you when you cross the line. Anyway I took him up on his offer, I got off…and I got a massage…and I just got to lie there and think of England…and I guess he got off on touching my body..why, why? Well it was a nice massage.

Today I finished the painting job I was doing..so stayed in the city. I went to check out two art exhibits…one at the local gallery featuring local artists with the art for sale…one piece really attracted my attention…it was a piece of old baseboard that was covered in layers of paint, the artist had chipped away the paint to reveal a map of the world. Not sure why it caught my attention, perhaps because I have an interest in architecture, I love travel, and I can imagine looking at a chipped piece of wood and seeing the outline of North America or Africa. If I had the money I would have bought it! I also checked out an exhibit at the cities Anglican Church arranged by the Bishop’s wife. It is quite a well-known exhibit and has been going for years. A friend who is a sculptor entered several pieces to be shown in he exhibit. He was accepted and installed the pieces only to get a call from the Bishop’s wife to remove three of the pieces on the grounds that one had a badly sculpted hand, one was just bad and another reason for the third piece. My friend the artist said it was strange that each piece she asked to be removed showed some part of the “naughty bits”, a breast, a scrotum or some pubic hair, but the piece that remains is of two lesbians in bed but the covers pulled up to their chins. BF the artist was a bit upset saying he now realized the whole show was “living room” art designed for middle aged, middle class people to hang in their living rooms. He was right the art was all very amateurish and very twee.

I have been worrying about the quality of my writing on my blog..but I have decided not to worry any longer. I write what I think and how I think…so forgive me if the grammar is not perfect or if I miss some spelling errors as I have not proof read it several times. Its just me, just saying, what I think!

I saw the movie Spiderman 2 today. I wasn’t impressed. But he did loose his powers because he did not believe in himself and I feel the same way I have lost myself because I don’t believe in myself…but how do I learn to believe in myself again.

I called PM to wish him a good time in Berlin. I wish I was going with him, but I don’t think he would want me to go and I am jealous because he is going with O. O got PM for a while, I didn’t, hence the jealousy. Get over it guy!

Fall has arrived.

FALL OR AUTUMN

Today I had to drive into the city to do some painting for my brother’s mother-in-law. For a few days I am working…what a change! But the interesting part was the drive to and from the city. It is fall or autumn here in our hemisphere. The foliage on the trees is almost at its prime for its autumn display. So many shades of orange, yellow rust and red all mixed in with leaves still green and coniferous trees. My favourite trees in the fall are Sumac; they change to the most spectacular colour of red, sort of Burgundy or more of a Beaujolais colour. I suppose considering modern technology I should post a picture of the fall colours, but I have not done that yet and not being a techie….I am not sure how to do it. I could use bloggers own software but I am afraid it may come with unwanted things. I digress; I think this time of year can be so beautiful; I missed this time of year while living in Europe. Although I do not miss the snow that comes with winter and in Europe it did tended to be wet and grey in the areas where I lived which can be depressing. But the change of seasons in Brussels and London was less pronounced, it sort of sneaked up on you, while here in my part of the world, you can really tell when spring has arrived or fall has arrived. I love that sense you get when the seasons are changing…it is not so clear from spring to summer, but winter to spring or summer to fall is great. I wish everyone could see at least once a beautiful display of fall foliage. Perhaps I can master the technology to post a picture…keep checking this space!

PM thanks for the French lesson….I will try harder…but I need practice!!!!

DISCONNECTED IN A CONNECTED WORLD

I love the Internet, I hate the Internet! It is great to so easily be able to stay in touch with people. You can speak to them in real time, you can see them on camera in real time and you can talk to them in real time. But is it real? It is so easy to stay in touch with people these days, we’ve got cheap long distance phone calls, and we’ve got cell/mobile/GSM’s so we are available 24/7 via voice or text. We can have a Blackberry or other handheld device to receive emails with us at all times. We have laptops with wireless Internet connections, we have emails on our home and office PCs and lest we forget, we even have mail yes good old-fashioned snail mail. But I find the more connected the world has become the more disconnected we have become. Ten years ago it was more of an effort to stay in touch with people. Email was still new, mobile/cell/GSM technology was not common and even ten years ago the art of letter writing had been lost. But now I can send an email, have an on-line, real-time conversation, send a text message…. how r u 2day? Lets meet l8r! ….call their cell/mobile/GSM or even pick up the telephone. Somehow though I feel as though I can lose touch more easily because less effort is involved and it is easier to forget to stay in touch. You can ignore a text message, you can let your phone calls go directly to voice mail or screen calls with call display, you can make your status show up as offline or not available on various messenger programs such as Yahoo or MSN. We can avoid or hide from those we do not wish to have contact with for the moment. Sometimes we can lose emails in our in basket or mistakenly/purposely delete it as we are afraid it is virus or an is an advert for a product guaranteed to make you a “real man in the bedroom.”

I try very hard to stay in contact with people, sometimes I think that I do it to the point of annoying people, some people would sooner forget or perhaps they just do not cherish their friends as I do. I guess for some people maintaining contact is not as important, but for me it is. Perhaps that is my burden holding on to people, but surely holding onto friendships cannot be a bad thing? So to all my friends out there, I will not forget you but if you prefer to let the memory of me fade, that is your loss. Just don’t be upset with me if occasionally I send an email, a post card, a text message or make a phone call. I will try to stay in touch with you because somehow, someplace, sometime you touched me, I feel you are worth the effort to maintain contact and someday I hope we can meet again to share a coffee or drink in a bar or café. Friendships can be cherished and saved despite distance!

OH SHIT!

Oh shit, I was home tonight and logged into MSN Messenger, but my status was showing me as logged off. I did this because I was playing couch potato and watching a movie. I did think PM might be on later tonight but as he said he was going out to a bar tonight I thought he would be home quite late…but I missed him and he even sent an email saying he had hoped to speak with me tonight. Damn I missed him….and I love talking to him….if only he had called me I could have quickly logged on…the video I was watching was a rather boring epic called The Four Feathers…a conversation with PM would have been much more interesting! Sorry Monsieur P, but I am here if you really need to talk, just call me anytime!

This morning I was recruited to help my mother pick out some new eyeglasses. Being the opinionated gay soon, people around me tend to trust my sense of style and taste. PM don’t laugh! While I may not be as trendy or original as you I do have a good sense of style even if it is a bit common. After shopping for suitable glasses we met up with my father for lunch. He has been extremely stressed lately about his retirement at the end of the year. He has fears that he will not have enough money, fears that he will not live much longer, anger at the rising cost of travel medical insurance that may hinder his love of travel and the fear of how he will spend his days. It must be a big change as he has been working to support a family since he was 17 and now almost 65, that is 48 years of work. It will be a big change and I hope he can adjust.

This afternoon a friend called to see if I could meet for an afternoon tryst….that would be a praline to you MP! I have met the guy about four times in the last five months for such purposes. He has a partner with whom he is “happy” and has been with for many years. The partner apparently knows he plays around when he is away on business. I guess we both benefit from such a ‘fuck buddy” status, but I must admit I think he has been doing this for quite some time as the meetings are “strictly business” with no time for personal chit chat. But in my present situation it serves a useful purpose. For me it would be nice to see him more regularly, but I have to play by the rules!

Nice Day

Today was a nice day. My niece EM who is five came for supper, after she said hello to her Dad and Grandma, she came running asking where I was. I was never very good with kids, always afraid of them and missed the childhood of my other nieces and nephews because I moved away, but it was nice to have EM come looking for me and I made her tacos for supper as she requested.

I had a talk with PM on MSN Messenger this evening as well. He was "en forme" and was sharing more of his music with me. He has exposed me to some very good music I would have never heard if I had not met him. He is just a really great guy and so easy to talk with.

I also had a talk with M of Toronto on Yahoo Messenger tonight. He saw my profile on a site and responded. Unfortunately when I was in Toronto we were not able to meet as he was going away that weekend but we did have a nice conversation on the phone. He is only 28 and only wants to meet for sex, but he is intelligent, interesting and funny so I am hoping at the very least a friendship may develop. I am looking forward to meeting him when I am next in Toronto.

I also put to paper the character outlines for "the play". Now the hard part is ahead as I have to begin to write the dialoge. The first draft should be quite easy as I have so many ideas in my mind. The next drafts will be more difficult as I will have to ensure the dialoge is interesting, intelligent and amusing well at the same time trying to make the story flow and be logical. But I have lots of time right now...so let the fun begin!

Friends

Today was an interesting day. I got an encouraging and supportive email from FD about a comment I made on another Blog she follows; she is such a supportive and positive person. Then I talked to PM for quite a while and then continued our chat on MSN Messenger for several hours. He shared his latest project with me, his proposal for a new radio show. What makes PM so easy to talk to? I wish I felt as comfortable with others as I do with him. Then I had a talk with A of London, UK on MSN messenger. He is very supportive of me as well but he tries to get me to write what he likes. It is funny because he just did his Masters in Mediterranean Studies, and is writing a lot of articles for newspapers in his native Algeria as well as submitting articles to various other newspapers and journals in the UK, France, Italy and Algeria. He is fluent in several languages. I told him I was writing a play, but he thought I was writing porn and suggested I write political articles on immigrants in Canada. I know his intentions are good but he doesn’t really understand me. We have a strange relationship that is hard to explain and we haven’t seen each other in over a year. He did try to come to visit Canada this year but was insulted by the attitude of the Canadian consulate when he attempted to get a visa to visit Canada and changed his mind. He says he is supposed to be in NYC in January as he is working on a documentary with the BBC in some capacity, I think as an interpreter and we may try to meet there. He is also taking a TV and video production course, which sounds very interesting and is something I am very interested in, but I do not have the money to go back to school at the moment. The funny thing with A is he wants whatever I do to be highly intellectual and views my play as porn, which it is not. But then he wants me to call so he can hear my voice on the phone well he gets himself off. Isn’t that a bit hypocritical? Friends, I love them all, but I don’t always understand them.

Doubt?

Why do I still doubt myself? Why do I believe I am not wanted? Because I haven’t found a job yet? Because I haven’t made any new friends yet? Because I feel sometimes that my old friends ignore me? The ironic thing is that I am intelligent enough to know that none of this is true. But it is still hard to fight these feelings. I can’t expect to have people telling me how great I am all the time. I can’t expect my friends to understand what I am going through. Do I go out of my way to help my friends? I am not sure about that, most friends don’t or haven’t made demands of me, but if they did I am sure I would do what I could to help them. And perhaps if I asked my friends for help they would give it to me if they could, but I don’t ask. I guess I feel I have to get through this myself. This is my penance. This is the price I have to pay for leading the life I have decided to live for making the choices I made. I have to believe I will make it, that I will survive, that I will be stronger because of my struggle that I will find myself because of this struggle. It is these thoughts that help me make it through most days. People don’t want to listen to me complain as my complaints are not of a serious nature and my complaints are selfish. I guess it is just that human desire/want to feel needed and loved by others and to be respected by others. It is others who make us feel that what we are doing is good and that justifies our existence. Boy am I fucked up!

Only In Canada, eh!

Today I went to lunch in a Chinese restaurant. It had been one of those chain fast food restaurants, but the location did not provide the traffic necessary to meet the company quotas. An independent businessman new to Canada had taken over the lease and started his Chinese restaurant. The food was not fancy but it was good, the atmosphere was not luxurious, but simple and acceptably clean, the staff was not well trained but friendly. A Chinese immigrant ran the restaurant and in the background there was a radio station playing with a German-speaking announcer and German music, with commercials in both English and German. Clients in the restaurant were of various ethnic groups due to its central location in a very commercial part of Toronto. There was a Latino couple, a mixed couple consisting of a Caucasian male and an Oriental female and their young child, there was a single Caucasian male and a single Asian (Indian) male, and a Caucasian couple, tourists from the UK and myself. The tourists were confused as when they went to pay the bill were confused as to why the price charged was 15% more than the published price. They probably thought it was a mandatory service charge as the cashier/waitress had limited English and did not try to explain that there it is a provincial sales tax of 7% and a GST (Goods and Services Tax) of 8%. Why are these prices not included in the quoted price versus being added after the fact? It is a result of our history with the British Empire. The colonies deplored the heavy taxes imposed on imported goods from the mother country, so as we became more independent our tax laws would not allow us to hide these taxes but they were to be added so that in fact we were aware of what we were being taxed. A noble concept in its time but now in a global world with lots of tourists it makes more sense to quote prices taxes included!

Toronto is now made up of almost 50% immigrants. On my way home from the restaurant, I took the street car which passed through China Town (the second largest in North America), then through Little Portugal and Little Brazil (It’s location next to Little Portugal for obvious reasons.), then through a mixed area with a smattering of Korean business, through the Polish part of town, past a Croatian club, past a Latvian retirement home to a largely Ukrainian area where I was staying. Toronto one of the most culturally diverse cities in the world is representative of the world and how it has changed with people immigrating to other countries. Welcome to Canada.

FUCK BUDDIES!

I have been in Toronto since Friday, just for a little rest and relaxation. But Friday was fun meeting up with a couple of fuck buddies. I guess the concept of a fuck buddy is a bit strange to some people but it is practical, convenient and satisfying. I mean you get to have sex with someone you are attracted to, someone you are sexually compatible with and someone you feel comfortable with. One of the guys B, is a professor at one of the local universities, my age and has a partner that he has been with for over eleven years. The other guy A is a 23-year-old single guy between boyfriends. Seems I am attracted to all types. I guess the big advantage of fuck buddies is that the participants are providing a service that is of benefit to both parties without the hassles of dealing with the emotions of love and jealousy. Fuck buddies provide you with that bit of extra sexual excitement that seems hard to hold onto in relationships. Relationships start out all great, both of you looking forward to the excitement of sharing your bodies, but after a while that fades and you have to fight really hard to maintain it, people start not to want sex so often as they get tire, they get busy, peoples cycles don’t seem to match, people can’t agree on how much is best or when is best, fuck buddies help relieve this problem but I guess they also make it easier to not work on maintaining that spark in a relationship, the feelings you get at the beginning of a new relationship, the excitement of being close to someone, trying to please someone, bonding with someone. Does anyone notice how the greatest conversations always occur after a great session of hot steamy sexy you’re lying naked in bed, or is it just me? B of course sees me without his partner’s approval or knowledge although like in several gay partnerships, seeing people on the side is not discussed although both parties usually know it is happening. A sees me when he has time, as he is attracted to older guys (a father figure?) and likes the sex we have. And of course I see them both because they are attractive, intelligent, sexy men that I enjoy spending a little time with. It is not merely “slam bam, thank you mam”; there is a degree of social interaction as well as sexual intercourse involved! Do fuck buddies exist in the straight world? I suppose they must but I am sure it is more difficult to keep emotions from entering into the relationships. And of course emotions can enter into gay relationships as well, but men have a way of looking at sex as just a sexual release kind of thing, we don’t always bundle it up with love and emotion as females seem more likely to do. I just wish I could find a fuck buddy in London. Ultimately I do want more than a fuck buddy but for now it is what I need until I get my life sorted out.

PM please feel free to point out my spelling and grammatical errors! You are my teacher of so many things!

STRANGE DAY!

It has been a strange day today. Tonight my brother (the one with MS) and my niece were here for supper. After my niece left my brother had a meltdown. He is upset that his ex-wife is denying him access to his daughter. I understand his resentment but I also understand his ex-wife’s concern. Is he capable of caring for his daughter for extended time periods? He seems to have a temper and the outbursts although not always physical but more verbal that can be just as hurtful as a physical blow and certainly damage the psyche longer. He lost it tonight and said he was going to kill himself again. He has been to counseling but says the counseling is finished, as it was no longer required. Is this a result of him misunderstanding the councilors about his need for counseling or is it a reflection of the under-funded health system where resources are rationed? He definitely needs an outlet for his frustration. It is very hard for my parents to see their son so distraught. My brother is so worried that he will alienate himself from his youngest daughter as he has from his two older children from his first marriage that he is in fact making the same mistakes. He is alienating himself from his daughter but at least he is trying to talk about it with my parents this time around. He blames everything on the MS and while I am sure it aggravates the problem, it is not the real cause but his fear of alienating another child. I hope he can make it through these troubling times.

Today PM had his 2nd anniversary radio show. It was a very good broadcast and he played a few very touching songs and dedicated a song to me…how sweet. PM…Ich denke an Sie! Je pense a toi!

I also watched the movie The Station Agent (Le Chef de Gare). A very gentle nice movie about a group of strangers that become friends after first bonding with little in common then they push each other away as they try to deal with problems but then come back together. Isn’t it strange how we sometimes push people away when we need them the most?

I also got a “booty call” tonight that is a call from someone to have sex. This guy I met in June suddenly calls out of the blue and asks if I am interested in getting together again? He is a nice guy and interesting but the sex was not so good. I said yes as I was shocked and not sure how to say no gently…now what do I do???? I guess I can lie. I don’t really want to…and I enjoyed his company, just not the sex so much. The things a lonely person does.

I also had a flashback to when I was a child of 14 to 15. We lived on a farm in the country. In the summer I would go for a walk back into the woods and by the creek I would take all my clothes off. It felt so liberating to be naked outdoors and I would sit on a fallen tree by the creek and I rember the feel of the rough bark on my butt. Strange what thoughts go through your head sometimes?

Tonight I also remembered a time when I was about 28, before the Internet, when I wrote my phone number in a public phone both with something like for a good time call John at 277-7777. I did get a few people who actually called but I never met anyone that way…strange what a person does to try and meet someone!

LOSER!

Today I felt like a real loser. Why? I went with my mother's to a friends place. He was doing her hair. Of course we had some little chat. How are you? What's new? Found a job yet? Why do these questions make me feel so bad. I feel like I have failed all the tests of the world. Is everyone laughing at me behind my back. Look at him, he can't find a job, he can't find a boyfriend, he doesn't have a life! Am I really that loser? Why should I feel embarassed about those kinds of questions. I am trying to find work! I do want to work! It has been too long I know but something has to happen, right? I feel like society no longer has a use for me. Yesterday I saw a job posting I really wanted and the HR Director was a friend of my brothers. So I sent him a note indicating my interest and to ask if he could find the status of the job. He talks to his friend and she says that I am too qualified for the job! What, I can't get a job, I find a position that interests me and they think I am too qualified! Shit what is a guy supposed to do. I guess they feel I would leave as soon as I found a better job, but that is not the type of person I am. It was a job I was sincerely interested in and therefore I would have stuck it out to learn more about the job, the company and other opportunities with the company.
It is strange, I guess I should be applying for jobs I don't feel qualified to do as they may find me the most qualified candidate for the job! Wow is this confusing! Why can't I just get a job I want? And why do I feel like such a big loser?

PM thanks for the nice talk this evening. You are truly amazing!

ANOTHER DAY

Just another day today, not too much exciting happened. I made a batch of salsa, it took me all of the morning, I hope the results are worth the effort. The tasting will tell in a few days time. Actually found quite a few jobs to apply for today. I have to keep looking. I think I will go to Toronto for the Thanksgiving Holiday this weekend. As my family is away for the holiday weekend, Sunday I cooked a full turkey dinner for the family. It turned out well if I do say so myself. And the pumpkin and ruhbarb pies were a big hit. One of those traditional meals like the many similar meals my Grandmother made for the family through the years.

Today I was talking to the guy in the chat room that I had the big crush on, until I found out he was attached. But we seem to be talking again. It would be nice if we could become friends but somehow I don't thin kthat will ever happen so why do I bother, is it beause I am lonely? Am I just desperate to feel that someone out there wants to talk to me? Who knows, I'll never figure out my own head! Ate too much today, why, I knew I was doing it and I wasn't starving? Have finally got the play figured out for the most part in my head. I have the setting, the set up, the characters and the action. There is no real climax and not sure how I go about it, not really sure I can make it a thoughtful and deep play. Sort of taking the spin that it happens, and perhpas here are some reasons why, I hope it is somewhat funny and thought provoking. Still need to do a little research on the laws in the UK, history etc., but should be able to find it on the internet. Will rely on my friend FD to help with slang, some English slang and may I'll even throw in a Scotsman, I like the accents and they can be pretty sexy. So now I guess I just have to start putting words to paper or computer screen more acurately. I guess I have to try and be a bit disciplined and do so much every day.

I had a few words with PM today, he is really busy for the moment so a nice long chat will have to wait. I admire him for doing so manythings he wants.

A PURPOSE?

Do I have a purpose in this life? I suppose everyone wonders if they have a purpose for this life. Hetrosexuals can argue they are here to continue the species by having children. But as a gay man, what could my purpose be. How have I contributed to society? I am not a famous, artist, writer, musician, politician or scholar etc. I am not a doctor or lawyer or philanthropist out to help the poor and destitute. I give to charities when I am able, to causes I find just but have I made a difference to this world? Probably not. If I leave this world tomorrow, a few friends would be sad for a while and my parents would miss me dearly but on the whole the rest of the world would not have noticed my time here on earth or my leaving. Were we all meant to have a purpose? As a gay some would argue our lifestyles are selfish and hedonistic, although there are just as many straights who lead the same kind of lifestyle. Should I be rushing out to do good deeds? I suppose once I get myself on track with a job etc. I should consider helping a worthy cause to make the world a better place but I still wouldn't be missed. I won't make any history books or be imortalized. I don't think all of us mortals here on earth could have been meant to be here for a purpose, because if we were all here to do good there would be noone who needed help. I must admit my life has been realitively easy considering the rest of the world that lives in poverty and must worry about where their next meal will come from. I have always had everything I needed at least materially. I may not have always had love and companionship but these are things only we in the wealthy parts of the world have time to even think about. Should I not be satisfied knowing that I have never knowingly hurt anyone (My ex's excepted, but that kind of hurt works both ways.)and that I have been a decent and kind person? Should I go out tomorrow and make my life's cause a charity? Right now I am a bit selfish as I am my own cause for the moment, a cause I can't seem to conquer.

PS: Thanks PM for calling today, you must have read my mind. It was good to hear your voice and say hello if only for a few moments.

FRIENDS?

I often worry about friends, do I have any, am I a good friend, how do I make friends, how do I keep friends?Questions I should not be asking. Things that should come to me naturally. I have never had a best friend. I guess lovers have come closest to being a best friend but in my experience they abandon that role once the relationship ends. I have a female friend who is closest to being a best friend, but I am not her best friend. I think a best friend would also consider you their best friend. A friend you can call to talk about anything, a friend should not be afraid to tell you the truth. A friend can call you when they have a problem. A friend would also call you when they have good news. A friend would offer you a shoulder to cry on. And of course I would offer the same to them in return. Is the reason I don't have a best friend because I don't know how to be a best friend? Maybe people can sense my insecurity and that makes them hesitate. I know I am a loyal person, a trustworthy person, a compassionate person, a loving person and I am honest and reliable. But maybe these are not the qualities people look for in a friend. I have never really had many good friends. Even in public school I was a bit of a loner. Perhaps people sense my fear of opening up to people, I keep my emotions and thoughts close to myself. I can appear cold to others. I can seem alof. Perhaps I appear that way because I am not sure about myself, I doubt myself. People don't feel that they can trust someone who doubts themselves. Maybe this also is the impression I give in interviews? But how do I get faith in myself? If I believed I was a great friend would I project that to others? They say that if you love someone and that if they love you if you set them free they will return if the love is real. But that can not be the case in friendships because if both parties thought the same, there would be no effort to make contact. In friendship contact has to be made to maintain the relationship or it will fade. I guess we have all had friendship that we have let fade. We speak to the person or have contact with them less and less, we lose touch with them, we don't keep track of their lives and eventually they become strangers. But then I suppose it is possible to do the opposite and smother friends with too much attention and you become a nuisance instead of a positive part of their lives. I think I am analyzing this too much, surely friendships should be more natural, not contrived, they should feel comfortable not strange and foreign. I just have to be confident that I can offer friends something useful and that friends can provide me with the same. I am making it seem too difficult, let it be more fluid and natural. Friendships should be treasured and shared but not hoarded, enjoyed but not be made exclusive. Trust yourself, trust your instincts, trust your feelings, and go with your guts.