PARANOID?


I have several friends listed on MSN messenger or Yahoo messenger, some are really good friends some are mere acquaintances. Why do I panic when I log in and one of my really good friends ignores me? There could be a million reasons why they don’t talk to me…they could be away from their PC but forgotten to change their status. They could be busy playing a game or video and not notice that I have come on-line. They could be chatting with several other people and missed me coming on-line. Yes there could be a lot of reasons why they don’t talk to me but I am still paranoid. I feel they may be ignoring me on purpose and yet I am afraid to say hello because I don’t want to interrupt them…maybe they are thinking the same way? It seems the more the world becomes connected…the more I worry people are purposely ignoring me. I can be reached via email or on-line, real-time messaging, by cell or mobile phone with sms or text capability, by a landline phone, by snail mail or even by airplane.. I can be contacted 24/7! But why should I expect friends to notice me every time I am on-line…if I lived in the same city would I expect to talk to them every day? I guess that would depend on our relationship and how we had defined it. Some people I would want to talk with daily while others perhaps only once a week or even less. And yet I have one really, really good friend that I speak to perhaps once a month and yet somehow we seem to maintain the relationship. Others friends if I don’t speak to them within a week…I seem to miss a large part of their lives. In a global world where everyone seems to have friends or families scattered around the world, it is more important than ever to use good communication techniques to stay in touch and somehow we can easily forget to do this. I value my friends greatly, perhaps because I don’t have a lot of what I consider really good friends and also perhaps because for me it is hard to make good friends, so those I have, I tend to hold onto tightly. I guess this tightness can scare some people and perhaps I scare off others because of my desire to maintain contact. Right now on my messenger list is a very good friend, an ex, a good friend and an acquaintance…and none of them are talking to me…I guess I should initiate the conversation…but I don’t want to bother them…I know, I know, I am just paranoid!


Oppps….I just received an online message from one of my friends….perhaps they were really away from their PC, and they really do want to talk to me!

Novmeber 22/04 on the beautiful beach of Lake Erie...not alone that day but it sure feels like it now...loneliness is one of the worst feelings.

JEALOUSY

I have let jealousy rule me. I have let my weakness hurt people. I am so insecure that I feel jealous and then I say things I do not mean and I hurt people I do not want to hurt. I am so ashamed of myself that I am now afraid to speak to the person I hurt and offended. Now I am a jealous coward. Perhaps that is why I cannot make friends easily….I let my emotions rule…I let them get out of control…and then I lose. At my age I should have learned this lesson by now. Maybe the people who said things about me that I thought were mean and hurtful were the truth? I must try and change to be a better person the kind of person others will want to know and befriend. But where do I start? I guess I must just try and think about the consequences of what I am about to do and then try to think of the reason I am doing it. But it is hard to remain so calm when the emotions take over. I must try really, really hard. I must be a better person.

FOR RENT?

The strangest thing happened last night. I was meeting a friend for coffee at 6:30 PM and then going to the theatre at 8:00 PM. I decided to park between the theatre and the coffee shop, which are only two blocks away. I parked beside a park. The park is known for being somewhat cruisy but this is usually later in the evening. As I was parking the car a guy walked past my car and towards a big spruce tree. As I got out of the car and started to walk through the park to the coffee shop, he proceeded to take a piss facing the tree. I was naturally a bit surprised as this is unusual behavior, especially so early in the evening. As I walked by him he said something like,” it sure is wet tonight”, as it had been raining for most of the day. I said “yes”, looked at him and started to walk away. He sat on a picnic table and as I looked back he said, “So how is it going?” For some reason I decided to go back and talk, he said, ”Hi, my name is Brandon” and stuck out his hand to shake my hand. We had a bit of a chat. I asked what he was doing sitting in the park. He said I am looking for a warm place, that he was visiting the city and needed a place to stay. He certainly did not look like a homeless kid, too well dressed and groomed. Perhaps he was a runaway, I couldn’t tell. I asked him what he was looking for and he said oh sucking and fucking. I said sorry but I am meeting someone in 15 minutes. I said you seem like a nice guy and I wish I could help but I have to go. As I left he said do you have 25-cents for a phone call. At first I hesitated but thought all of that for a phone call, he must be legit so I gave him a 25-cent coin said good night and left. Was this guy a hustler trying to make a few bucks or did he really need a warm place to sleep. As I walked away he left the park, so he was not continuing to cruise for clients. Am I a fool to believe this guy was not for rent that he was a legit guy just looking for a place to sleep instead of some homeless shelter? I wish I could have helped him but would I have been trusting enough to give him a place to sleep, just so I could have sex with a hot young guy and would I be able to relax and sleep or would I be away all night wondering if he was going to rob me of anything and everything of value? I will never know, but an unusual way to start a very nice evening.

FETISH or FANTASY?

What is a fetish? The most common definition is something that most of us would consider unusual giving someone sexual excitement or satisfaction and in extreme cases their sexual satisfaction is ultimately linked to their fetish. What is a fantasy? Well I think we all know what a fantasy is and we all have them but most of the time fantasies stay within our minds although certainly I wouldn't mind some of mine becoming realities! But we can use our fantasies to help our sexual satisfaction without ever the fantasy ever actually happening. While someone with a fetish makes that happen to give them their sexual satisfaction. The topic of fetishes became closer to me when I met a guy the other day for a coffee. We had chatted on line a few times and seemed to hit it off so we decided to meet. He had warned me in advance about his fetishes but I said they didn't really interest me, but I found him an interesting person. His particular interest is diving gear...wet suits, dry suits etc. To him wearing one of these while engaging in sexual activities gives him his ultimate satisfaction. Now to me the though of being in cased head to toe and I do mean the diving mask etc. doesn't seem very erotic...I mean it is like wearing an extra strong condom from head to toe! But believe it or not there are groups that meet to engage in such activities. He wants to try it with me but I told him it is not my thing. Now apparently this guy was married and his wife let him dress in such gear and then make love to her...it doesn't sound so romantic to me to have some guy in neoprene lying on top of you...I mean...wouldn,t it pinch and pull all your hair and skin?? But I like to think I am open-minded so perhaps if we do hit it off well, I may try it. But I did state if we do move on to a physical relation..first we do it the old fashioned way! Then we can discuss things. I thought I had heard it all, but I guess you keep learning everyday.




Does this shout sexy to you?

PROZAC?

I have been a bit down these last few days. Once again I am feeling desperate and hopeless and then Monday I had a telephone interview, which I looked forward to; a sign someone was potentially interested in hiring me. Only to hear the words... do not think we can offer you anything! So why did you call???? They all seem to imply I am too old by saying this is a junior position and I respond that I am changing careers and that I am willing to take a junior position to learn a new career. While society is aging and soon older people will be in the majority; society still seems to view middle age people as expendable in the mean time. How do I convince these people I am sincere about taking such positions? Do they not know I will be happy doing something I like even if it does not pay big bucks? I know I have to keep trying and perhaps I need to change the methods I am using; I wish I knew where to turn to for some advice on such matters. My situation and circumstances is one that seems to mystify the professionals.

But to combat my down feelings I got a dose of my Prozac today in the form of a nice long chat with PM...should I be worried that a talk can change my mood???

MONEY FOR SEX?

Would you accept money to have sex with someone? If you are a woman you would probably say no pretty quickly as to accept cash would make you a whore in society's eyes. If you were a straight man you would say maybe, if I can get cash for something I would do for free, why not as long as she is not ugly, I must be a stud if women are willing to pay to have sex with me! And a gay man...not sure what their answer would be.... yes I enjoy sex anyway so why not get paid for it, but then gay men are shallow and would want the person paying to be attractive to them. And me....mmmmm actually someone in a chat room today proposed paying me to meet him at his hotel tomorrow. This offer of cash came after I told him he did not seem to be my type. He then said that he was married and he just wanted to have fun while in town on business and he did not have time to waste looking for a partner, he just wants to meet a guy and have some fun. Here I am unemployed and living off my savings, do I accept such an offer? He told me what he wanted and expected, basically he wants to touch and fondle a naked guy and expects me to do nothing in return, an interesting proposition. Was he really serious or was this just another guy playing head games? And should I do it if it is a serious offer? What would it make me desperate or just a rent boy? Well I guess I will have to see what happens tomorrow. And would I ever pay for sex? Yes I probably would if I had lots of money and it could buy me time with someone I really fancied and would save all the problems of dating etc., surely a sign of old age? Should prostitution be such a big deal? It is the world's oldest profession.






Cold hard cash for doing something I like, but can I do it with someone I don't like on demand?

THINK ABOUT IT!

I have been in a down mood all week, just due mostly to my personal frustration, hence less entries. Today I met someone for a rendezvous and it did seem to change my mood. Why? Because you feel that someone is interested in you, someone wants to spend time with you. How silly is that? Sure people need to feel wanted, but a quick tryst, why should that make a person feel so much better? Is sex or intimate relations with another person my Prozac? Is this just another sign that my self-esteem is still low? I was talking to a friend today and I was asking if I was bothering them (chatting on MSN Messenger)? They told me to stop apologizing all the time and they are right, I do apologize all the time, I am so insecure I think that I am bothering people. If people didn’t want to talk to me they would let me know, he is absolutely right! I have to think of myself in more positive terms. I am an interesting person and most people seem to enjoy my company and I can't let my own insecurities hold me back. I have to learn to project myself in a positive manner, so others will respect me.

On another note the friend I was really worried about seems to have mended his rift with his friend and is in a much better state of mind. I am glad he and his friend were able to settle their differences. Friendships are important and as one becomes older I think friendships are even more important, especially to single people.

I had coffee with a friend on Saturday and he brought up a point about dealing with significant events in our lives. He was saying that in the animal world when an animal faces a crises or major event they have no choice but to move on with their life, unlike humans who keep thinking or reliving important events and when they are tragic the result is they keep reliving the pain and/or loss. And humans with the more highly developed brains waste time and energy worrying about past events…but I suppose on a positive note it also allows us to relive positive and pleasant memories again and again. The point of the conversation though was that to move forward in life after a major event such as a death or relationship break-up you have to look forward and keep moving forward not back, easier said than done!

HELPLESSNESS


Tonight I saw a friend on MSN Messenger, I sent a message to say hello and I got a response saying that he was bad and was going to bed. I asked a few more questions and he told me he had had a fight with a very good friend of his that he has known for probably twenty years. He sounded absolutely devastated, he was very very upset and down on himself. He said good night and signed off MSN Messenger. I feel so helpless because I want to help him, I want to be there for him but I can't be with him and I am not sure how I can help. I know we are not best friends and he has many friends with which he is closer but he has been so supportive of me I feel I should be able to help him. I wrote him an email telling him I am sure he and his friend could work it out as they had been friends for so long and surely she could understand what he said or did was out of character for him and not reflective of his kind, loving and gentle nature. I even suggested he call a very close friend of the both of them for his suggestions on how to deal with the situation. I have never know this man to be so upset and there seems to be nothing I can do to help, I have a sense of helplessness and it is so frustrating. I know how much this friend means to him and I hope they can work things out. I just wish I could be there for him, to hold him and make him feel better. I just want him to know that if I can help in anyway even if just listening to him on the phone, I will.

GOOD SPIRITS

After a rather uneventful weekend it was nice to start the week with a conversation with PM. He has been very busy the last few weeks and I haven't spoken to him a lot lately but we had a nice but short conversation this morning followed by some words on MSN messenger later this evening. He said it tonight that he is an enigma but then so am I. I can't figure him out so I just accept him, for who he is, a kind, gentle, loving person and a good friend. I wasn't sure we ever would be friends but we are and I hope we remain friends for a very long time. Unfortunately we have gotten to know each other better since living apart. It is a shame because the more I learn about him the more I wish I could spend some time with him, but perhaps if we still lived in the same city our friendship may not have developed as it has. I know he has many friends and many better friends than me but to me he is and always will be very special. I am a better person for knowing him. I do want to see him again, but when and on what terms I will never be sure, but I will enjoy it whatever way it happens. He always brightens a dull day.

I have also become closer to FD since moving away. She is also kind, gentle, loving and supportive. She is probably the most supportive person I know. When we lived in the same city I guess we took each other for granted and did not always make an effort to see each other regularly because you knew you could see them quite easily, but now that we are separated by an ocean we can not see each other as regularly and exchange frequent emails and follow each other's blogs. I miss you but I enjoyed the times we spent together and I do know that we will see each other again.

Tonight I also had a conversation with AH of London. He is another enigma. He was quite attached to me at one time and seems to want to be with me when no one else is in his life. A month ago he wanted me to come visit for Christmas but a few weeks ago he met someone and although not serious has been devoting his time to that person and made plans with that person for Christmas. I never did get mentally close to AH. He always seemed to keep his distance not really connecting mentally. Perhaps we were both afraid to connect on that level? I hope to see him again.

And I must not forget my oldest friend JC. Although we don't talk frequently, when we do it is like we left off from where we were the last time. I really cherish the time I get to spend with her. And I know if I need her support she is there.

I also got a nice long email from PP of London today. He was an ex many, many years ago. He was the first special guy I ever met and will always have a special place in my heart. We don't speak often but we exchange emails every so often and we do make an effort to meet when we are in the same town. He is a very loyal person and that makes him a good friend.

My friends are all enigmas but then so am I. No one has ever figured me out, not even myself so how could anyone else? I do know that since I was seriously ill a few years ago and almost died, I now hold on to friendships more tightly. I make an effort to stay in contact and I am sure for some of my friends it is strange, but friends you are worth the effort! Friends are precious and because I find it very difficult to make friends I tend to hang on to those I have! I get very emotional sometimes when I think of friends, perhaps because I came so close to losing them all once. That is probably why I find it hard to understand how someone I loved could just want to forget about me and yet mentally I understand that is how he or she deal with things, but it can still hurt.

But thank you to those friends who maintain contact; it can sure help me feel good when I sometimes feel a bit down. I also hope that I can help my friends, that I can be there for them, that I can make them feel good on a bad day. I love you all and wish I could make the world smaller so I could see you more often.





This is one of the local church steeples of my small town. The churches were and are a real centre of activity for the community.