Chat Rooms?

Has anyone figured these out?  There are chat rooms which are obviously for meeting people...in the gay world for meeting others to have sex with...which can work sometimes.  Then there are the rooms which are just there for talk.   I don't really understand the people in these rooms, but as I sometimes join these rooms I guess I don't understand myself!  I have chatted with several people, not even mentioning sex and have had terrific conversations.  We seem to have lots in common and talk freely.  But when you next enter the room they will ignore you or if you say hi, they act like they don't know you!  What is going on?  Yes sometimes I want to meet people for sex, but sometimes I just want to make friends.  I offer to meet these people for coffee in a public place but they act like I am crazy.  Perhaps they don't need new friends?  Perhaps they just come here to lead people on?  Perhaps I am not the type of friend they are looking for?  Perhaps I come on too strong?  I have now after several experiences decided that I will never really meet anyone this way and talk to people expecting nothing and expecting to be forgotten the next time they see my name in the room or I say hello!  So do people just go in these rooms to talk for the moment?  Some people seems to have friends in the room but perhaps they never take the friendship a step further and actually meet?  I guess there is a certain amount of safety in only meeting in cyber space.  There is not the chance for rejection based on the real person and the personality and mannerisms that are projected in real life but do not come across in cyber.  I have meet guys who I have had great conversations,  I met one guy and he was really nice, I liked him he said he liked me and  we both found each other sexually interesting.  But alas I never heard from him again...maybe he is just too busy but I think he was just too polite and I was not his type.  I would rather be told that than just never hearing from someone again.  I met a guy I had several weeks of great conversation with.  We seemed to get on really well.  I spent the night with him and we had some good sex.  I sent him a note to say thank you and to say I would be interested in seeing him again, but alas I have not heard from him again.  Maybe these are just my personal experiences.  Maybe others have more positive experiences.  But from now on I expect nothing, believe nothing and fear the worst.  But I guess I will keep trying as it does seem to be a good way to meet a lot of people in a short while especially in a small city.  You just have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince! 

Bloggers Block  Still????

It has been over a week since my last entry, do I still have Bloggers Block or have I lost interest. My friend FD who I introduced to Blogging has been so prolific, but then she has always written.   I have started tracking a new blog on here called the Shower Room, which is also by a gay man, also a Canadian, but his life is much more interesting but at 26 I am sure my life would seem much more interesting now.  I like his site because it is interesting and entertaining.  He is obvioulsly a very talented and creative guy.  It would be nice to meet him and think we have something in common, but it is hard to tell from a Blog.  And he leads a very busy life so I am sure it would have to be a damn good reason for him to meet. But I shall track the Blog and see what happens...it is fun!

Maybe I am not making entries because I am really frustrated and fed-up as of late.  I just feel I am going no where and everything I want seems a million years away or impossible.   I want out of this town so badly but obviously not badly enough to do it...guess I haven't reached desperation yet.  When I run out of money will my attitude change?  My brother gave me a lot of cuttings from newspapers of jobs he thought I might be interested in today.  I thought that was very sweet of him, especially from a very smart and successful businessman, perhaps he just thinks I am a big jerk?   I just don't know about my job strategy.  Lots of jobs I am interested in but I fear people are not looking at me because of my education and past experience, they do not believe I could be content with such jobs.  They feel I will leave if something better comes along, which I have to admit is a possibility, but if I got a job that really interested me, I would stay to learn the field!  But as my self-esteem is at an all time low, that is my problem, convincing anyone I am worth hiring.  I did get a call from a work college last week, she said they would soon be hiring at her company and that she though I might be right for the position, I hope she can put in a good word, it would be an excellent job and an interesting job.  I guess I will just follow-up with her and pursue the issue.

I have also been fighting the past again. I just can not believe my ex SM wants nothing to do with me.  We were best friends and now he tries his hardest to ignore me.  I used to blame myself for betraying him, but in actual fact his actions made me betray him, he wants to take no responsibility for what he did...it is all my fault.  So why do I still want to be friends with this man.  Am I that terrible that someone can forget eleven years of history?  Is it me or is it him?  I guess to heal myself I have to believe it is him, but it still hurts like hell.  Will the torment of my past ever fade?

 

Bloggers Block
 
I haven't written anything for ten days.  Is it Bloggers Block or is it merely the result of too many thoughts in my head?  I must admit I have been thinking a lot lately and for me that spells confusion.  I got back Sunday from Toronto and miss it already.  I miss the fact that in Toronto there is always something to do or someplace to go.  Unlike here in a small town with no public transport, no cinema no gay life ( well no visible gay life).  Culture here centres around a trip to London which is a 20 to 30 minute drive.  This means you can not go to a bar for a drink because then you can't drive home legally.  It means you have to plan ahead for trips to the cinema.  You can't  just jump on the subway when you need to see a movie. Sure big cities have lots of drawbacks, they are crowded, noisy, polluted and expensive, but I am still a city guy at heart.  Cities gives me a sense of independence and anonymity.  Big cities give you the chance to experience a variety of things.  So it only confirms to me the notion that I belong in a big city and that trying to find work there is the right thing for me.  I would suffocate knowing I was stuck in this small town.  But how can I make Toronto a reality, my present plan has not been successful.  How should I change my strategy?  So many questions, if only I had the answers. 

PC Deprivation?

It has been over a week since my last post, the consequences of not having a PC at my beck and call 24/7!
It has been a tough week some days as the past comes back to haunt me. Yesterday I went to see a movie and began to cry (quietly and controlled) thinking about my ex S.M., how much I hurt him, and how I ultimately made him hate me so much, that he does not believe I still have very strong feelings for him. We both deal with this by remaining distant which is easier due to the physical distance of at least 4,000 miles. We do not send emails, make phone callsor write letters but we do include very brief polite on-line chats...that avoid all topics of any degree of sensitivity to either party. This is probably the real reason our relationship ended. He hates conflict of any type and I grew up in a family constantly at conflict, for me it was a natural state for him it was an unnatural state to be avoided at all costs. The result, he bottles up all his feelings and emotions until they can not be withheld any longer and he takes drastic action. And the result, I was told to leave. I on the other hand am constantly challenging and questioning. Two opposites where compromise was never considered an option....I hope we both learn from this. I really want to salvage some sort of relationship with him. He was my lover and my best friend and to know I have hurt someone to such an extent that they can not bear to talk to me or see me is a wound that is very deep and painful. But I would still do the same if I had the choice to make again. He ultimately was worth the pain I am still feeling...and I really do believe that if we still lived in the same city that reconciliation might be a possibility or at least a friendship.

It has been over a year, I should have stopped shedding tears by now and perhaps if my life was in order I might be able to suppress these feelings by immersing myself in other things. He seems to have moved on quickly and appears happy, but then he always appeared happy on the outside while wrestling with the problems of his past. Is there a way to salvage this? I hope we can!