REVELATION

I started to cry again tonight…but for the first time in over two years it was because I realized I was OK. I had spoken to several friends on MSN in London and to PM (Thanks for believing in me PM!) on the phone today and I had lunch with two of my brothers. I also chatted with a couple friends on MSN who actually enjoy my company and spending some time with me. I have spent so much of the last eight years feeling bad about myself. Society had made me feel worthless, as I was unable to find work and my partner at the time only re-enforced those ideas and I let myself believe I was worthless, ignorant and lazy. When my partner dumped me I was devastated because once again it just re-enforced the fact that I was worthless and a waste of space. And the strange thing was my partner had told me he knew I had a self-esteem problem and that he even thought I was clinically depressed yet his solution was to tell me to leave..get out of his life...stop wasting his time! He thought I was using him just staying with him for economic reasons. How wrong he was. I am still trying to hate him today as I feel I could move on more quickly if I learned to hate him and leave him behind. But part of my heart will always belong to him even though l once had hopes we might reconcile or even manage to be friends. Now I realize he doesn’t want to be friends with me and the best I can ever hope is that he will be civil to me. I say what a shame, he knows I am a great friend and although I made some terrible mistakes I truly am a great person, I make a great friend and I am a very loyal friend. It is his loss!

I am a great person. Once again very soon my life will be on track again. I will regain my self worth, confidence and faith in myself. I have let myself be dragged down by a false hope of something that will never be again but I still have the memories and most of them are good that will stay with me for the rest of my life. So I must focus on the positive and ignore the negative and begin to live again. I am a great person who deserves great things.

SUICIDE


Have you ever thought about it? I bet most people have at some time in their life. Yes I have thought about it too, but not too seriously and not for long. I used to think about it a lot as a teenager in high school. I knew I was so different and that I didn’t fit in with the others. I felt like an outsider, I felt like I didn’t belong. I didn’t have anyone to talk about how I felt or who where similar. But for whatever reasons, I didn’t do anything about it and I am glad. I’ve had a pretty good life thus far. I do admit I though about it again after my break-up two years ago. Why I am not sure, because I was devastated or was it simply the only way I could get back at my ex? In any case the thoughts weren’t very serious or continuous. I admit my life still isn’t where I want it...but I guess I am to blame for that. I am the one who can change it or so they say...but it sure seems difficult and a struggle every day. But most of the time I still enjoy life and hope that I will be happy with myself again soon. I even know a few people that have tried to commit suicide. But even I am still uneasy about discussing such things even though it should be talked about.

The real reason I brought up the subject of suicide is because of my Grandfather. It is my Dad’s Dad and I never new him, he died before I was born or so I believed until one day I asked what my Grandfather had died of, the reply was he “killed himself”. Wow, the family never talks about it. I guess 55 years ago when he committed suicide it would have been very hard for the family, not that it is any easier today, but I think people feel more compassion towards the families of suicide victims today and there is a better chance to get councilling. My Dad wouldn’t talk much about his Dad’s suicide, just to say that his Dad hung himself in the barn. It must have been a shock for the family, finding the body and wondering why? He was a quite well to do farmer, happy husband, father and an outstanding citizen, as he had even been Reeve of our township at one time. So why did he commit suicide, what could have been troubling a man in his early 50’s so much that he felt the only way out was suicide. Was he just very depressed? Was it because his wife had diabetes and numerous complications including amputation of both legs below the knees? Or could he just not deal with the life he had? I have often wondered if he might have decided he was gay. I am sure it must have been very difficult in those days...you got married regardless and tried to live a straight life...but it must have been very lonely and frustrating. I guess I’ll never know the reasons for his suicide, but it makes me wonder…why?

MEMORIES


Today I went to see the movie Polar Express. The movie was quite good...a Christmas feel good movie... I've not read the book but plan to so I can compare it to the movie. The think about the movie for me was that it brought back some memories of my childhood. The movie looked like it was set sometime in the 50's or 60's. I was born in the late 50's so the whole atmosphere triggered some memories. There is a scene where wolves chase the train in the movie, we used to see wolves, fox, deer and occasionaly other wild animals at the farm where I was raised. The farm I grew up on had a railway going through it about 3/4 of the way back in the farm. I used to go for walks back to the woods and would have to cross the rail tracks. We were told not to play on the tracks, but we did. We would walk down the tracks a bit, I guess it was fun because it was forbidden as we were warned we could get a foot caught between the tracks and be hit by a train. We also used to put pennies on the tracks so that they would be flattened by passing trains...we were told not to do this as it could cause a derailment. Funny what you remember.

The whole feel of the movie brought back strange memories of Christmas at my Grandmother's as the style of the living room was similar. And how at the age of 5 to 10 you really love Christmas. How I got the Dr. Ben Casey doll I wanted and how toys were much simpler then, train sets, farm sets, building blocks etc. And I was the strange son for wanting dolls because I was a boy. I had my GI Joe and Ben Casey dolls.

It also brought back some strange memories...the day JFK was killed; I was in grade one and watching educational TV, which was interrupted. I also remembered my earliest memory of my mother coming home from the hospital after the birth of my youngest brother. But she came home alone as my brother was premature and had to stay in the hospital for several months. Funny how something can bring back such memories but so sweet.




Vince Edwards who played Dr. Ben Casey on the TV series...was it really an interest in dolls or just men?

FRIENDS

Yesterday and today were both good days as I had long talks with two very good friends. Although both of them live thousands of miles away, after a long talk it feels like we have reconnected. I am one of those people who when I become good friends with someone I try to maintain that friendship. When you are lucky enough to meet great people I think it is worth making the effort to keep the friendship alive. Perhaps sometimes I can be annoying in my attempt to keep the friendship working, but to me it is worth the effort. I would just like to thank S.B. and P.M. Thank you for letting me be your friend and you for being my friends. Sometimes I can be demanding of friends, but please know that I am here for you if you need me for any reason, don’t be afraid to be demanding of me, I will help you in anyway I can. I thank you for your love, support and honesty. And the same goes for my friend F.D., lets speak soon and catch up on all the news. I miss you all. You are in my thoughts often and I dream of once again seeing you in person.

EXCUSES

I haven’t written a lot hear lately, firstly because I have been tormented by what I have been writing lately and how it may have been subconsciously manipulative but also as I have been away for the past few days and away from my PC…just excuses really. I have wanted to write but find myself thinking too much about what I want to say.…which is goes against my purpose for writing a blog. It was supposed to be a venue for me to air feelings off the top of my head. But lately I have worried that my words might be misconstrued by some people I do not want to hurt and that if I have concerns with them, I should discuss them personally with the person not via a blog..that would be cowardly. So I shall try to stick to my personal thoughts.

BYE BYE BAMBI

The other night I was driving home and was approaching a car pulled over to the other side of the road...as I approached I realized the car had hit a deer. It scares you because you suddenly realize it could happen to you, it can be dangerous for both the deer and the car and its passengers. I feel sorry for the deer, as men have taken over their natural habitat...but we have also gotten rid of the deer’s natural predator…now their enemies are automobiles. The local authorities want to deplete the deer population as it is growing uncontrolled but others do not want a cull. I guess it is hard for some to see the benefits of hunting deer purely for the purpose of decreasing their numbers…but is it natural for them to live in a world with out natural predators? Surely it must be easier for a deer to die by a single well-aimed bullet then becoming road-kill mangled by an automobile trying to cross a highway? I guess both sides have their reasons and opinions, but who is right? Seeing a dead deer is sad…as we associate deer with being friendly and harmless…and Bambi. But they do destroy farmers’ crops as well. Is there a right answer?

LOVE


I went to see a movie today…I actually went to see Polar Express..but when I got to the theatre, it didn’t begin until tomorrow so I decided to go see a movie called Amor Silencioso or Silent Love. I knew nothing about the movie…but it turns out to be a Mexican/French Canadian movie. It is about a Montreal Anglophone who finds a mail order bride from Mexico…he meets they decide to get married but she wants her mother to come with them to Montreal. While the couple never fall in love and the Mother seems to prevent love blossoming just by virtue of the fact of being there. The mother decides to go back to Mexico to give the newlyweds a chance at love, but the husband realizes it is the mother he loves not his wife and leaves for Mexico to tell the mother of his love. Of course the movie doesn’t have a happy ending...the newlyweds divorce and the mother rejects her daughter’s husband’s love…it’s a real love story! Do love stories have a happy ending? I know very few fairytale love stories with happily-ever-after endings. Yes, my parents have been married almost 50 years, but it has not always been happy and it didn’t start out as a love story but as a gunshot wedding as my mother was pregnant and in the late 50’s you got married or went away had the kid and gave it up for adoption. Well they chose marriage and I arrived five months after the wedding. They are still together but probably not because of love but because of hard work, respect and financial reasons, I am sure in their case, romantic love existed but it didn’t start that way and I don’t think it is the case now, but more of a convenient friendship.

But perhaps it is because we all know few real love stories with happy endings that we keep searching for it and in this day and age give up easily relationships we have because we feel that the true love story does exist and we will find it.

And lets face it the hunt for love can be fun. Who doesn’t remember seeing someone you have an immediate attraction to whether it is physical, mental or spiritual or a combination of two of these factors or all threes. Who can’t relate to the first time we have sex with someone for the first time we feel attracted to? The brain rush of endorphins…tasting that first kiss, be it slow and passionate or wild and forceful. Of exploring a new body for the first time of the attempt we make to ensure our partner enjoys that first physical experience. Because we are so attracted to them we want to impress them with what we feel is our best attempts at sex or making love. We want them to want more, to come back, we want to win their heart, their respect, we want them to like us and this is usually all before romantic love. So perhaps when we don’t find love or we are rejected in love those physical relationships stay in our mind longer, because we never got what we wanted...even though the sex could be awesome. And when we finally do win someone’s heart, respect and love we forget to work hard at the relationship to keep it alive and well…..perhaps because we want that hormone filled, endorphin laced, rush of being with someone you are seriously attracted to again and again, but can it be that sensation with the same person over and over again???….maybe….I’ll keep looking for now.

MANIPULATIVE

Am I manipulative? I wrote an entry hear last night. I had gone to bed but could not sleep as my mind was working overtime. So I got up and wrote an entry about what was bothering me. But I removed it as soon as I got up this morning. I was worried that someone would read it and it might make them feel bad…and perhaps subconsciously that is what I intended to do? It was not very nice of me. If I don’t have the guts to say to the person what I am thinking I should not use the blog as cowards way of telling them something. But I guess I have been doing that, except most the people I write about do not even know this blog exists. I am a horrible person...grow up!

EXPECTATIONS


I haven’t’ written in some time…writers block again…perhaps, but more likely due to not making the time. Its now 2005, will this be the year? The year for what? The year I get a job? The year I start to live again? Of course I am living, it is just not the life I want, are my expectations too high? It seems strange but I seem to have lived my whole life not being who I am and not doing what I want. But I still don’t seem to know who I am or what I want. Everything I think I want, I never seem to be able to achieve. I have lived all my years never fitting in, not feeling part of anything.

I have yet to find my passion in life, I have never known what I really wanted to do for a living and have never found it. That is not to say I haven’t had some interesting jobs or that I haven’t enjoyed any of them. It’s just that I always wanted to be one of those people who loved what they did and actually looked forward to going to work. But that expectation is too high now, I can't get a job period, for the moment.

Yes my expectations are too high. I can’t even live up to my own expectations. And it is not just about a job, but everything else in my life. I am not the kind of person I want to be, I can’t be friends with the type of people that I would like to know. I don’t do the kinds of things I always dreamed of. I don’t live the kind of life that I always dreamed. Why do I set my standards so high, is it because I want to fail at everything?

This is a new year; I must take a more pro-active approach. I must learn to appreciate the little things in life. And I certainly must accept all the blame for all the failures in my life, whether professionally, for my personal life, or of my friendships. I have to learn to be grateful and thankful for the smallest things, that way I won’t be disappointed.

Perhaps it is simply my fear of rejection that holds me back. I am probably dwelling in the negative for the moment, as I think of everything in negative terms. I see my life as failed relationships, a failed professional life and failed friendships, rejected in relationships, rejected professionally and rejected by friends…but I suppose it only looks failed or seems like rejection because what I need now most is some positive signs of encouragement, signs of acceptance and I don’t see them or they are not obvious to me. LOOK HARDER!

So for 2005 and beyond I must learn to appreciate the small things in life, the little signs and not worry about things so much, enjoy what comes my way.