HAPPENINGS

Seems like ages since I last saw the man, seems like ages since I last wrote. So much has happened. I have a new job, I start next week…hurray…it has been far too long and far too hard. I am excited, anxious, nervous and worried. Mostly worried because the job pays a lot less than my last job in Canada some 10 years ago and the new job is in Toronto, a much more expensive city then where I lived before, so will I be able to a smaller income...I have no choice...of course I will. But I am scared at the thought.

I saw the man tonight after a week of not seeing him because of work that took him away. He called me at least twice a day the whole time he was away…so sweet and thoughtful. But he does still have a boyfriend and I should know better but something keeps drawing me to him. Tonight was a fantastic night, first talk, then a nice dinner at a local Italian restaurant and then fun and more talk. Tonight at dinner we actually talked about our feelings for each other and the complications, namely his boyfriend and my new job in a different city. What is it that draws us together despite both of us knowing better? I think I have played it pretty cool, not losing my head or my heart, but I do want to! We plan on seeing each other every night this week until I have to leave for my new job in the big city. I am not looking forward to our last day together. But the kind man says he still wants to see me and that somehow we will find a way to be together!!! All I can do is take it one day at a time.

Tonight my father called to say he and Mom will be back home tomorrow after two months away. I was hoping for a few more days of privacy...but I soon leave for the big city and will be away from them again, so I must enjoy the next few days with them. It looks like my life may be finally back on track again.

TEARS

I guess noone likes rejection, but most people move on. I seem not to move on or I do it very slowly. I guess the ultimate rejection was by S.M. I loved him and in many ways still love him. I desperately wanted to hold onto him, but I didn’t fight because I knew he doesn’t like a fight. I hope we could be friends and I tried to maintain contact, but it hasn’t worked. Once in a while we have very pleasant, polite conversation but it is not the talk of friends but of mere acquaintances that for whatever reason, perhaps because of common friends, feel they should maintain contact. I hate this…I just want to be able to talk to him again…laugh with him again...feel comfortable with him again. But I must realize that is not going to happen, I have to let him go…if he does not want to know me that is his loss…I am a nice person. But sometimes I still cry.

P.M…you came into my life at a turbulent time….you taught me so much….and I held you too tightly. You always kept your distance, you always knew what you wanted…and I was not it. But thank you for being my friend. I know I don’t always get to talk to you as much as I want..but at least you keep the lines of communication open..and we have a genuine friendship. I’d love to see you again some day…I just hope we can maintain the friendship. But sometimes I still cry.

F.D….we have our periods of close times. Before I left BXL we had some of the best quality times. When you were posted in Italy for a year…we talked often on the phone and confided in each other. Now you are back home and have a family, a job, and a career and research so we speak less frequently. But I know when we get together or when we talk, it will be like old times. And lets go to the cinema….I’ll pick-up the Leonidias, and we’ll meet at the Pizza Hut first for dinner! And you never made me cry…but you did let me cry when I needed to.

J.C…..what can I say?…I have known you for 25 years. We didn’t start out as best friends..but I have to say you soon became my best female friend. We can go long periods of time without speaking…but when we do finally connect, we just seem to pick-up where we last left off and I know I can always call you when I need to unload. You only made me cry once, on your wedding day…cause I was selfish and knew I no longer was your best male friend….but I soon realized you would still have room for me in your life.

C.B….the newest person to enter my life…and at the moment the most confusing. Should I give him up…something I am not good at…I hate saying goodbye especially when a person becomes important to me. You’ve made me feel good about myself after a long period where I only felt rejection. I don’t know where our relationship will go or if it will even go anywhere? I probably shouldn’t even see you at all except as a friend…but I find you simply irresistible at the moment. I am trying to maintain some distance..but it is hard…and sometimes I cry because I know it will probably never be.

BEING BAD

Am I bad because I am seeing someone who is involved with someone else? Should I end it now? What can I gain from such a relationship? Is it a one-sided affair? Even if he were single would a relationship work? It feels great to have someone like you and want to spend time with you but at the same time I get angry, as I know I am not part of his life. I can’t meet his friends; I can’t introduce him to my friends. And even if he was single, does he really have time for a relationship. At the present his partner lives in another city from Monday to Friday and is here on weekends. Is their relationship based on love or has it just become convenient? Who would want me as a partner at the present, I don’t have much to offer anyone. Even if he were single, I probably wouldn’t have him, so perhaps I should end it. But I am too insecure to end it...instead I will probably wait until he doesn’t want to see me anymore. I am letting him have all the control. He decides when he has time to see me. I can’t see him when I want, I can’t call him when I want. So what do I get from this relationship? Do I do it just because it feels good to be wanted? That seems like the wrong reason. I should know better. What I really need now is friends...but those seem hard to find. I guess I have to keep looking.

THE AFFAIR

Yes the affair continues. Some friends tell me what a good mood I have been in lately…a result of frequent sex??? While others tell me I should end it before I get hurt! Yes I know I am probably setting myself up for hurt…but I try to take it one day at a time. To love is to hurt…not that I am in love...but every relationship I have ever had, has had a sad ending. So what is so different this time..that it will be a shorter affair…then therefore the hurt should be not as painful? Is it just our Christian-Judaic attitudes that make affairs so unacceptable? I have had them before…will I never learn? But for the moment, can’t I enjoy that great feeling being with someone who wants to be with you if even for only a few hours a day and with whom you want to be with equally as much. Perhaps affairs cater to our societies attitude for quick solutions…our desire to satisfy our urges…both primal and not so primal. We did discuss the situation yesterday evening. And to be honest I don’t even know if we could have a real relationship…at the moment we are on different paths…but for a little while we find ourselves in this situation which seems to solve both our immediate needs. I suppose I may become jealous of not being able to be with him more often...but in all honesty he doesn’t want a lover 24/7…he is focusing on his career at the moment...as I am in my search for employment. Is there a right answer...am I really a horrible person for having an affair? One friend says it would be OK the other partner knows…and while I understand the logic...at least this way he is spared it being,
” in his face.” And yes I am meeting him tonight on Valentine’s Day but isn’t this what the day is about…romance? Am I fooling myself?

ANOTHER BIRTHDAY


I never really celebrated my birthday….never seemed a big deal...but if I have to be honest…I guess I just hoped others would remember my birthday…how childish. I had a pleasant birthday this year; first lunch with an old friend, then a movie with another friend this evening…and finally a visit with the man tonight. A few friends also called today with birthday greetings… and it sure did make me feel good….it counteracts the fright I feel when I think how old I am.

The man…..I am enjoying my time with him immensely. I must admit I know I shouldn’t be seeing him as he has a b/f (He has been honest about that.)….but something keeps pulling me to him. I hope it is not just the fact that he is the first guy in a very long time to pay attention to me..but I fear that may be the cause…my insecurities haunting me again. But in all honesty I must say I could be great friends with this man…. our relationship is not just sex as is so often the case with affairs. The relationship is about sharing time together and talking as much as sex. I am also aware I maybe setting myself up to get hurt big time...but I am hoping because I am aware of that possibility, I may be able to create enough distance that my hurt will be minimized.

KINK TO VANILLA (or SHOPPING AND FUCKING)

Saturday I went to Detroit with a friend to D.A.R.K the Detroit Area Rough and Kink Fest. Why? Well because my friend was interested in it and I like to think I am broad minded so why not. The event itself on Saturday was both disappointing and interesting. The day began with lectures on such topics as Dom/Sub relationships, CBT, electro-play, Dom/Sub play and leather play. Nothing I am really interested in, but it was interesting to see those who are into it (gay, straight, single married, trans gender etc). the turnout of people was disappointing but as it was the first such event that could be the explanation. I do admit I am pretty naive when you consider some peoples very specific interests! They highlight of the day for me was to be the Mr. Leather Cowboy Detroit contest Saturday evening. But again, I was let down as there were only two entrants..although there were some nice cowboys in the audience! The highlight of the weekend for me was bargain shopping at Saks Fifth Avenue on Sunday where I indulged in a few designer clothing items at an 80% discount. Can a gay man have too many two-ply cashmere sweaters at $30???? Well apparently yes, as I passed on the cashmere…but I regret it now!

Sunday when I got home I was smiling as I received an email from the man asking if he could see me Sunday evening…like he has to ask! Talk about being confused, I really like the man but he is already involved. I like him not only physically but mentally, I find the mental connection as stimulating as the physical part of the attraction.(I had written relationship..but replaced it with attraction as I am confused!) We shared a bottle of wine followed by an extended session of very hot vanilla play! (Sorry FD, still not many details.) I was quite pleased when he said he wished I could be his! What to do? Do I have time for a boyfriend when my life is still a mess…don’t I need a job more than a man? And does he really want me or is it just a game to him? He seems sincere and I like to think I am a good judge of character..we even have our first sleepover planned for next Saturday… just I have to accept the fact that life is a constant state of confusion. I am confused, but I am confused with a big smile!

LUST

A third meeting with the new man last night; fun as always, sorry FD, not too many details. We had a G&T how civilized, some nice conversation. He said he was sweaty and dirty and needed a shower so he went off to the shower...he came out naked and said, “I don’t think it makes sense to put my clothes back on, do you?” Of course I agreed and followed him to the bedroom and striped. The next few hours involved playing and talking. As always I enjoyed the talk very much, but he did reveal he has a partner who lives in another city who he sees every other weekend. Well that was a bit of a disappointment but he gets points for honesty. I guess most of you will think I am horrible because I still want to see him, but I do! I just find both the physical and mental attraction very strong and I love that feeling of lust you get when you first start seeing someone. Before I left, he even played the piano for me, Debussy his favourite composer. As I was leaving he asked when he could see me again? Sunday was the earliest because of each other’s mutual commitments. I can’t wait to see him again and on Sunday we will have more time to spend together. I am guarding my heart, as I know he is involved with someone else and I will talk to him more about it, no topics see off-limits at present and there are other things that need further discussion. But the attraction for me is so great at the moment…is that a bad thing?

ENCORE

Well I saw the man yesterday evening. It was really, really nice and I enjoyed myself immensely. Sorry FD….not many details..guess I am getting shy! I woke up this morning to find an email from him saying he would like to get together again tonight. It feels great that someone I really like wants to see me again...so why am I so worried. Must be my self-esteem issues kicking in again or perhaps it is some intuitive sense? Anyway I have just decided to live for the moment and enjoy what happens. I still have to sort myself out…perhaps that’s why I am concerned….a b/f is not what I need at the moment…I need to channel my energy elsewhere! So here I am confused again!

EMAIL-YES!!!

The man and I exchanged several emails today. We are planning to meet tomorrow night. I'm trying to remain calm and enjoy it for what it is....but I have a big smile on my face!

BAD AND GOOD


Today started out badly. I had agreed to meet someone form the internet..he sounded interesting..he sounded my type….lets give it a shot….I should never agree to meet people without a picture. He said he was 45…if he was 45..I am 37. Well perhaps I exaggerate a bit but he was definitely older. I now think I must look pretty good for my age! Well he drove 30 minutes to meet me and I felt guilty just saying no thanks go home but I should have. I let him play with me for a while but he didn’t seem to get that I was not interested in him at all sexually. There was no chemistry. OK…so I admit I am shallow…looks do count! I more or less lay there like a wet dishrag while he played with my body. I just kept lying there and thinking of dear old England. Would he ever get the message that I was not interested? Finally I just had to say, I am sorry, I don’t think this will work. He left and was quite a gentleman. I will never meet anyone without a picture again…well maybe! I should have learned a lesson!

Tonight..still being sexually frustrated, I went to the local gay sauna. I thought I had made another huge mistake, as it was very quiet being a Monday. I was about to give up hope and go home still frustrated when this handsome man arrived. At first he seemed not to notice me, but then he stopped by the door to my room and entered. We had some very nice sex (Okay not the best ever, but very good!) But after the sex was over, we just laid in each others arms and talked for an hour, then went to the whirlpool and soaked and talked some more then back to the room for some more sex followed by more talk. The talk was free flowing with out any awkward pauses..and we seemed to have similar interests and outlooks on life. He is a very handsome man, and I must admit our paths had crossed before some 15+ years ago with a one-night stand, which he did not recall. It was his birthday today and he decided to treat himself to a visit to the sauna. Luckily for me...what a great evening. Bur already I think I am not good enough for him, not handsome enough for him, not intelligent enough for him….I did give him all my contact details and he said he would be in touch…and I hope he does contact me. I would love to see him again. I hope to see him again. I want to see him again. Now all I can do is wait…..