THE END

I think this is the end of this blog. Not a place to vent anymore. I think the man just left my place for the last time...not sure why I think that..but I do. Sad, sad, sad.

MOVING ALONG

Things seem to be moving along with the new man. It has been over a month. There was a rough patch last week. It was a Tuesday night and he was getting back late so I thought I wouldn't see him so I invited a friend from work over. Then the man calls and I wanted to see him so I invited him over. He seemed OK at first but soon became defensive at the questions my work friend was asking and left after 30 minutes in quite a huff. My work friend left a few minutes later saying, " I don't think he likes me!" I tried to call the man on his cell but he did not answer, which is unusual from him. I didn't hear from him the next day, then finally I caught him on line and he said he was just in a really strange mood and didn't want to see anyone. I was so concerned he was upset at me that for the 24 hours we had no contact ,my stomach was in knots the entire time. He said he was finally ready to see me again after two days. He was still in a bit of a mood and was worried about his mood, saying " I should seek professional help." The first reunion was a bit strange, probably due to the fact that I was questioning him about his mood and if he was upset with me. But the next day things seemed to be back to normal. My personal opinion is he is homesick, having only been in the city for a few months and suffering the frustration of a new job, a new city and new friends. Anyway my insecurities kicked in again, I was convinced he didn't want to see me...but as usual I seem to have over-reacted.

It is a long weekend here, Thanksgiving. Yesterday I cooked him a nice meal, which I think surprised him as I haven't cooked much lately and he was surprised at the skill of my cooking. Today we woke up, and I cooked a big breakfast/brunch....shagged again and then went to a movie followed by lunch, a little shopping and then parting ways. He just called now and we will meet later for a late supper and perhaps go out or stay in and watch a movie. I like the guy and am trying to enjoy it. I must not react again hastily.

My ex started talking to me online yesterday...shock of horrors...as he hasn't initiated a conversation in six months. Why I am not sure, I answered his questions and didn't ask him too many questions. He asked for my address but I am sure he only did that to seem proper..after all he hates me and has not kept in contact so why would he begin now???? Time to let him out of my heart...time to move on...time to forgive...time to forget.

RELATIONSHIP?

I haven't written much lately which in my books usually means things are going well. Well personally anyway as work is a disaster at the moment through no fault of my own but I digress. I have been seeing a guy for the last three weeks. Well I guess we are seeing each other...every day he is in town we see each other...he is a flight attendant so is often away. And I guess my insecurity is that I want some definition to the relationship, but I must learn to live without that. Are we dating? Yes we are, but I want him to say that and he hasn't and won't, so why does that upset me...well it doesn't really upset me but it does make me insecure...oh that ugly word raises it head again. It is simply because I can not believe someone so smart, so sexy, so funny, so good looking and so young would want to spend time with me. Why can I not believe in myself??? I know I have never had a lot of self confidence and I thought I was getting some of it back, but this relationship makes me even feel more secure at times, I must learn to put these thoughts out of my mind.

I love having someone to hang out with again, we go to movies, we go shopping, we go out for meals, we talk and we play. So all seems fine...it's just my nagging doubts. Why am I the only person in the world to have such doubts. You know I was visiting a good friend this weekend and she said something that kind of shocked me, she said " why would anyone not like you?" I never thought about that before but its true while I may not be friends with everyone, I do tend to get along with people...and I have been told numerous times that I am a likeable guy....yet I still don't quite believe it.

I must learn to trust myself and believe in myself and not to question myself or everyone else so much.

Sorry I must go, I have a dinner date....and hopefully dessert!!!