STRANGE DAY!

It has been a strange day today. Tonight my brother (the one with MS) and my niece were here for supper. After my niece left my brother had a meltdown. He is upset that his ex-wife is denying him access to his daughter. I understand his resentment but I also understand his ex-wife’s concern. Is he capable of caring for his daughter for extended time periods? He seems to have a temper and the outbursts although not always physical but more verbal that can be just as hurtful as a physical blow and certainly damage the psyche longer. He lost it tonight and said he was going to kill himself again. He has been to counseling but says the counseling is finished, as it was no longer required. Is this a result of him misunderstanding the councilors about his need for counseling or is it a reflection of the under-funded health system where resources are rationed? He definitely needs an outlet for his frustration. It is very hard for my parents to see their son so distraught. My brother is so worried that he will alienate himself from his youngest daughter as he has from his two older children from his first marriage that he is in fact making the same mistakes. He is alienating himself from his daughter but at least he is trying to talk about it with my parents this time around. He blames everything on the MS and while I am sure it aggravates the problem, it is not the real cause but his fear of alienating another child. I hope he can make it through these troubling times.

Today PM had his 2nd anniversary radio show. It was a very good broadcast and he played a few very touching songs and dedicated a song to me…how sweet. PM…Ich denke an Sie! Je pense a toi!

I also watched the movie The Station Agent (Le Chef de Gare). A very gentle nice movie about a group of strangers that become friends after first bonding with little in common then they push each other away as they try to deal with problems but then come back together. Isn’t it strange how we sometimes push people away when we need them the most?

I also got a “booty call” tonight that is a call from someone to have sex. This guy I met in June suddenly calls out of the blue and asks if I am interested in getting together again? He is a nice guy and interesting but the sex was not so good. I said yes as I was shocked and not sure how to say no gently…now what do I do???? I guess I can lie. I don’t really want to…and I enjoyed his company, just not the sex so much. The things a lonely person does.

I also had a flashback to when I was a child of 14 to 15. We lived on a farm in the country. In the summer I would go for a walk back into the woods and by the creek I would take all my clothes off. It felt so liberating to be naked outdoors and I would sit on a fallen tree by the creek and I rember the feel of the rough bark on my butt. Strange what thoughts go through your head sometimes?

Tonight I also remembered a time when I was about 28, before the Internet, when I wrote my phone number in a public phone both with something like for a good time call John at 277-7777. I did get a few people who actually called but I never met anyone that way…strange what a person does to try and meet someone!