ENOUGH?
It just seems like enough. The time of the year when you are supposed to be happiest. But here I am single, alone, broke, working a job I detest, living in a city that I don't want to live in, few friends and not much going for life now. Is it just anotther mid-life crisis or am I to be alone the rest of my life. I suppose I should accept the fact that I will be alone and just move on. After three failed relationships one of which I thought was "the" relationship, it seems I don't have what it takes to be in a relationship. I somehow make people hate me, perhaps becuase I can't possibly believe I am a good person. I never have liked myself and I haven't figured out how I can learn to like myself and how can I possibly think anyone will want to be with me, if I don't believe it myself?. So the answer is to become celibate and just enjoy life for what ever it can offer, even if it seems insignificant at the moment. IUp to this poine I have destroyed relationships, I have ended the only career I found that I had enjoyed. And I can't even stick to a diet because if I am thin ,people might find me attrative. I wish I was intelligent, I wish I was creative, I wish I was a nice person, I wish I could believe in myself, I wish a lot but that will never get me anywhere, but how can I make myself a nice person, make myself believe in me, make myself creative, I guess the only thing I can't change is my intelligence...that is limited by genetics.

Sorry you had to read this but writing it down is the only way that seems to help me.

I miss so much right now...distant friends....lost loves.......but I can never have that back so accept it, accept it, accept it!

NICE EVENING

I had a nice evening last night...a threesome...dinner...and the theatre...with the same guys...does that make me shallow?

ENOUGH?

When do you say no, when do you stop trying? I like the guy, he likes me, we see each other regularly, but our goals differ. Do I stop wasting time or do I just enjoy the moment. Will he change or will I change? Will we naturally drift apart, or will the relationship change to friendship. I need friends, I want friends, but I am bad at friendship! I scare people away with my insecurities, I push away those I have feelings for, why? Because I am afraid and insecure! How do I become secure and unafraid? I need this to survive, survive my career and my personal life! How! Help!

COLDNESS
It's cold here...very cold tonight. Nothing worse than a dark cold lonely night in winter. I guess I try to hard to find someone to share time with....I only seem to end up by myself. And crazy me has to go out to a friends place tonight....thank goodness it is only a few blocks away and warmth will soon be realized. I try to hard, that I mess up. I must learn to relax and just accept things as they are. Last night I started talking to P on line, it had been a few weeks and I wanted to talk forever but a friend was coming over. I hope he would be online tonight so I could call, but alas he must have made it an early night. Probably just as well as I would have bothered him with my woes.
Just put on a happy face, think positive thoughts, don't expect too much and relax! My moto for the season.
Not sure why I haven't been writing lately but probably because I would start moaning again and I said I wouldn't do that...oh well...not many read this anyway..it is my attempt at therapy. I will try to write more and not so much moaning.