GET A GRIP!

Yesterday...was a really bad day emotionally. I left work frustrated and down. I just wanted to chuck it all in. Yes I should be happy I have a job, even though I knew I wouldn't love this job. And even though the pay is terrible, only yesterday did I realize what it is about the job that really bothers me. In this job you only get negative feedback, you only hear about what goes wrong or what you did wrong. No one tells you when you do a great job or things go well. I guess because this department works with so many other departments and we have rules about deadlines etc., no one perceives us as doing good but only stopping them from doing what they want and consequently we only get negative feedback. This is crushing my spirtit. I already feel bad enough about myself. My life has been one big failure. I've messed up great relationships. I've screwed up several careers and here I am with nothing. I have a pokey little studio flat. I have a very low paying job. I have not made any new friends. I can't even afford the computer I want so that I can keep in contact with friends on the other side of the ocean. I can't even afford to take someone I fancy on a date! I am one big loser. I've realized I won't make new friends or even have a chance at finding a partner because I don't like myself so how can I expect anyone else to like me! In my eyes, I have failed at it all. And what do I have to show for my time on earth....nothing. I hope the struggle gets easier, but some days, it is hard to even want to fight.

PERFECT SEX?

Is there such a thing as perfect sex? I came close to it yesterday - no pun intended. It was hot as hell in the big city yesterday...so like all males....I think of sex!. I decided to go to the air conditioned comfort of a local bath house which is air conditioned so I could keep cool and get hot and sweaty! No sooner had I checked in and was approaching the door to my room when another guy approached...our eyes locked. Was he really interested in me...he was much younger, very fit and very hot. I opened the door to my room and stood at the door and looked at him. He entered right away. I didn't even have time to get undressed we were all over each other. He dropped his towel and I began taking off my clothes between the kissing and caressing. It just kept getting better as we both seemed to be into each other and we seemed to be a perfect match sexually. What a great time was had by both of us! We both got hot and sweaty and had fantastic fun. It was as close as I have ever gotten to perfect sex..with a stranger! But oh my what fun! I only wish I had asked for his name and contact details!

DARK CLOUDS

Just when you think you have learned to deal with the past....come the depressing thoughts....that I fight to keep at bay. It puts me in a strange mood as things swirl in my mind...all those questions...what if? But it is a waste of energy.....I must learn to switch to other thoughts before I get sucked into all those depressing thoughts. Things maybe a bit tough at the moment but eventually they will get better...it can only get better.

PS.
Thanks to the guy at Zipperz who flirted with me, I know you weren't serious but it helped make my evening.

THREE MONTHS ALREADY:

Wow, I can't believe it has been almost three months since my last entry. I know have a job and live in the big city. Still single but will be that way until I learn to like myself again. Last night as I walked home from a friends house, the City amazed me. On a warm summer eve, I first cut through a park, where all kinds of people where sitting in the park talking and trying to find a cool place....even the street people! Then I walked down the main street of the upscale area and it was beautiful, people out walking and even the shop windows with all their expensive goods somehow seemed magical last night..then I came upon the intersection of the two main streets which historically define the city central...not as pleasant but full of life! I went home and had a great nights sleep only to have a bad dream early this morning...I must leat go of the past....and move on...I am letting the past hold me back! Is anyone out there??????

PS I hope to have the technology soon to make more frequent entries!!!