FADING

Its fading and I don’t want it to! I knew it would but I don’t want it to! I looked forward to all our talks, the sound of his voice, someone to talk with, and someone to listen. We started out as strangers and grew to know each other quite well. I knew he would meet others but I secretly hoped he wouldn’t, how selfish could I be? We used to speak every few days, but now it’s every few weeks. I miss the sound of his voice. I am selfish. We still chat on MSN, but I don’t always have his attention and I am jealous of those who have gained his attention but they have more in common and share more interests, I should be happy he has found them. I know he is busier than he has been in the past and I should be more understanding. I am jealous. Jealousy is not a good thing! I knew it would eventually fade, he wants someone close, close physically and close mentally neither of which I could be. I want him to be happy, he deserves the best and I wish him happiness and love. But I still hate the fact it has faded and I hate the fact I am jealous. But I still hope I can hold onto our relationship somehow even if it takes on a new form. He has meant far too much to forget, he has helped me more than he could ever possibly know and I still hope one day to have a face to face conversation and share our intimate thoughts, to share a bottle of wine again, to dance again and to laugh again and even possibly more although that is not what I want most. I have been selfish, wanting him to myself although I never had him to myself, I never won his love and I knew I never would. He has always been honest with me and for that I thank him, he has never lead me on, but always told me the truth…I was the one with wishful thinking and false hopes. It is strange how he came into my life and now it seems stange that it is fading, perhaps I am just paranoid..but at the very least I will always have the best memories of the sweetest times. Thank you. Merci.

THE TRIGGER


How can one such simple email trigger such a response? The email today was from my ex and his polite and political correct way of wishing me a Happy New Year. FUCK HIM!!! Why does he want to stay in touch? When he said he was leaving me, he said things to me that were so hurtful why would he want to remain friends if he believed what he said? He was also well aware of my problem with low self esteem...but with his words he made sure my self esteem would remain low, perhaps for the rest of my life. Perhaps he doesn’t care about me…he is just conditioned to do such politically correct things. But the bigger question is why do I still care so much for him? Why can’t I just be so angry with him that I want him out of my life forever? Because I still love him??? I can’t seem to let go of those feelings and the emotional attachment. Would it be easier to deal with all this if I had a job, if I had a life, if there was someone still in my life? Who knows…perhaps I am just hanging on to a past that was good despite ending in such a hurtful way because it is better than my present situation? How do I move on?

I wanted to eat all day today…not because of hunger…but because eating makes me feel good…it reminds me of the meals my Grandmother made...it reminds me of the special times spent over a meal with friends. Typically dinning has been a time when I am having fun. I eat to try to regain that feeling but what I am really doing is feeding my body with empty calories. But momentarily I feel good although that is replaced with guilt. I understand why people turn to drugs or alcohol, they can take them to get to another place or another set of feelings. If someone offered me drugs know I would be tempted to say yes, despite my fear of losing control of myself or fears of becoming addicted. The possibility of escaping from this bad mental place right now is very appealing.

I have been asked to go to a New Year’s Day Levee by a fairly new friend I have known for several months. But again I hesitate, I am afraid. But why am I afraid. I know the reasons why…self esteem issues. Why do I want to go to a party where people are intelligent, creative, interesting and successful? In the banter of the party, I would reveal that, I am unemployed, not creative, not so interesting, that I have an average IQ and that I am unsuccessful. The celebration would not be a celebration in my eyes…just more reasons to feel down about myself. But I suppose there are positive aspects I should consider such as meeting intelligent, creative, interesting and successful people and perhaps even some useful contacts. But can I get over that fear of it all making me feel bad?

To move forward do I just blank out the last 12 years? Surely that cannot be the right answer. How do I stop letting such trivial things trigger these debilitating reactions? Closet shrinks; step up to the table with your advice.

I want friends I can speak to about all these thoughts, but who. They would have to be very patient to put up with my shit. Most people have enough problems of their own….I am merely being selfish expecting friends to be so understanding. So here I am alone again. Trying not to let my thoughts eat away at me.

PATHETIC


Yes, that is me today…pathetic! I am sitting in front of the PC and suddenly I start feeling sorry for myself. I was talking to a friend in London and I find myself trying to get him to feel sorry for me…how sad is that? I do it because I am so lonely…but not lonely because I am alone..it is more my state of mind. I am just in a bad place at the moment and either I am not trying hard enough or I have to believe all those things people said about me that were unkind and hurtful. Maybe I really am of no use to anyone, perhaps I am not capable of holding down a job, perhaps I do not treat others correctly, perhaps I am manipulative and perhaps I am selfish. Unfortunately I am too intelligent to really believe all that...but there are moments like right now when I sit in front of the PC with tears running down my cheeks…that I just feel so helpless and hopeless. I do know that eventually my time will come but perhaps it is me that is holding it all back; delaying it or stopping it from happening. Perhaps I do control my own destiny…and for some reason my subconscious wants me to waste away alone? Perhaps I do need professional help? But in all likelihood, tomorrow will be a new day and I will feel completely different. A good bitch and a good cry can be therapeutic…or so I must believe!

COLD AND BEAUTIFUL

Yesterday it snowed all day. I hate the snow, I had to clean the driveway twice yesterday. It is very cold at the present, -13’ Celsius. But it was beautiful this morning...the sun was shining and the glare off the white snow was blinding. Now it all seems beautiful.

REALITY!

Back to reality today as I returned from the big city yesterday and to start the day off…a snowstorm…I’ve shoveled the laneway twice today…winter can be a drag! It was strange being in the city again…it seemed like I hadn’t been there for ages. The weather was really cold well I was there and as the daylight hours are so short for the moment it was hard to make myself go out at night...in fact I only went out a couple of nights…preferring instead to stay in and watch TV.

But I do love the energy of the city and the fact that there is always something to do if you want and the other plus is that being gay is much easier in a big city. There are more people with similar interests and it is easier to meet people and there are actually lots of places where gays meet. People don’t always understand my desire to live in the big city and perhaps after I am there for a while I may grow tired of it but I really would like to live there. When that dream might happen gets foggier every day and that it might become a reality…more distant.

There were times in the past when I felt frustrated and well never truly unhappy I don’t think I was happy…but the present has to be the most frustrating time of my life so far and while I do have many things to be thankful for if someone asked me if I was happy…I would not quickly respond yes. But they say life is what you make it so…I should just get over with thinking like that and concentrate on the positive.

Hey you all want to hear about the juicy bits of the city! And that would be sex! Unfortunately because of the time of year my playmates were busy. Although I did manage to find fun..too much some would say. I met a really nice guy one night, well if you call it meeting. A very powerful physical attraction followed by some rather intense sex. And he wanted to meet the next night for an encore. We met for drinks first..he was a charming younger man…not to mention handsome and sexy! As neither of us had a place to play we decided to go to the bathhouse. We played for quite sometime, but for some reason the sex did not seem to live up to his expectations..I think he expected me to be more passive and I was more aggressive…don’t get me wrong we both had fun…then after a rest we had a ménage a trois …which was also good..but I felt we lost our initial connection. I was hoping he might send an email, but he hasn’t and I don’t know if I will call him when I am in the city again..but I would like to meet him again. I seem to have this desire to build friendships and if that is all we have I would be more than happy. But I seem to scare people off and few friendships seem to develop, perhaps I am just too shy and give up after the initial contact perhaps because of fear of rejection. I know just get over it!!!

I also invited a friend down to the city for Friday and Saturday. Strange situation as the guy is really nice and although we have played I don’t think we are in sync sexually. But I know he is happy with friendship, as am I. We did the shopping thing, dinning thing and even went to see a Christmas concert by the local gay men’s choir….which made me appreciate the 12 Days of Christmas especially the last verse….12 lusty hockey players!

Yes I need more photos..trying to come up with some shots that might be of interest…until then….please be patient or send your suggestions!

NIGHTMARES!

Two nights ago I had a nightmare....just a symbol perhaps of how I see my life at the moment? The nightmare took place in the house where I grew up. The nightmare involved some sort of military invasion. The house is in the country and although not isolated it is about a quarter of a mile to the nearest house. There were planes flying overhead and men parachuting out of the planes..the men were all in uniform and all carrying weapons. Was Canada under invasion...and by whom..was it the Americans or the Russians? What could they possibly want from our house in a small rural area? I was at home with the family, it was night, we were awoken by the noiose of the planes. We did not turn on any lights so that the house would not attract any attention. There was fear in the house of the bad guys coming to get us; would they take us as hostage or kill us? We began to cover the windows with the dark green/black plastic garbage bags so no one could see in the house and if we turned on the lights they would not be visible from the outside. Then we all went to the basement to hide...and that is all I remember...what happened???? It brought back memories of when I was a kid...I had three recurring type of dreams...one that I was flying...love those...and even got a thrill when I feel from the sky only to realize I had landed with a jerk of my body on the mattress. The other type of dream was that I was always trying to go somewhere or dial a phone number and I was always late or could never complete the call. Things kept happening to keep me from getting somewhere or I could never dial the phone number correctly, I would constantly make mistakes and get no where( Perhaps my life at the moment?). And finally the third type of dream was of the threat of military invasions brought on by the nuclear war threats of the early 60's and the practice drills in grade one of taking protection under our school desks...like that would protect anyone????

Today my dreams seem more varied and while I remember them first thing in the morning, if I don't make note of it or write it down...they soon disappear from my memory. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to dream about nice things such as flying when I wanted or being with someone special?
Is there anyone out there to analyze my dreams??

Why do I write here...no one but two people read this site regularly. Do I offer people anything on this site besides a look into my somewhat strange life and thoughts? I suppose it is all for my personal benefit...an outlet of sorts.

Two nice things happened recently...last night I got a call from PM, it seemed so long since we last talked...it was wonderful...I enjoyed it..and I treasure it. Today my brother sent me an email as he heard I had a job interview yesterday. This was nice as I am not particularity close to my family emotionally and it was so sweet to get his words of encouragement...perhaps we all mellow a bit with age?

If anyone out there reads this site, please post a comment, you can do it anonymously..just interested in what you might think.

CHRISTMAS...COMMERCIAL?

How commercial can Christmas get? My niece and nephew gave my parents a Christmas tree for the computer...yes you heard right...it is a fiber optic tree that plugs into a USB slot! I suppose it is designed for those people in the work place that like to adorn their workstations or cubicles with all kinds of shit. A tree at Christmas...a pumpkin for Halloween, a bunny for Easter, a heart for Valentines..Etc, etc, decorating for the holidays has got out of hand or maybe it has become just too tacky...it must be a huge business. It is not bad enough that for Christmas people go overboard and buy their family gifts they can't afford or give them things they never wanted or would use. Time to stop the nonsense! I'd rather receive a very personal gift when least expected sometime during the year..then something, someone has picked up at the last moment with no thought just because they have to give me a Christmas present, what do I do with a banana tree???..just put it in the closet with the other two!!! OK OK you caught me, this is just my way of telling all my friends not to expect a present for Christmas!!!



Is this tacky or what????

BON SAMEDI!

Saturday turned out to be a great day. I went to a movie with a friend and saw I Huckabees. It was an interesting movie, not your typical Hollywood fare. I quite enjoyed it but it is the kind of movie that deserves at least a second viewing perhaps more as it was about existentialism. I was downtown and missed a phone call from PM. I decided to call him back, unfortunately I could not talk to him very long as I was calling from my cell phone (Only 12 minutes, thanks to the last call timer!). But it was one of those calls were the conversation flowed easily; I could have talked for hours. But the best part was that I felt that I was growing distant from PM over the last few weeks as we haven’t spoken much and although we say hello on MSN Messenger, the conversation are not serious and often short as PM would say” n’important qwa”. I felt I was losing touch, but I knew I had to let him drift. He said he had been having problems with friends needing his advice and counseling for the last few weeks and I also know he has lots of friends on MSN to talk to, some en francais, which must be so much easier for him, so I did understand the decrease in contact with me…although I did not like it, I had to accept it! So Saturday’s call was a pleasant surprise, I only wish I had been at home so we could have talked for hours. It once again made me feel connected to him. I suppose this makes me sound silly and dependent. But I place a lot of emphasis on friendship; I tend to find it difficult to make friends so maintaining friendships for me is important. Thank you friends!

ANGRY!

I am so angry today with my ex, but I should be over that. It has occupied my mind all day today. Why does he ignore me, why does he not want anything to do with me? Of course I could better accept this if he told me this is what he wants no more contact but he said he wanted to maintain contact and stay friends. But a year and a half on…a handful of emails, two postcards…that I asked for and one phone call…I guess I must accept the fact that the person I once considered my best friend and lover wants nothing more to do with me. He made it all seem as if it was my fault when in reality it was both of us. At least I face most of my problems, he ignores them or runs away from them.

He has become the person he hates most his stepmother. I am sorry his mother died when he was so young and I am sorry he had a horrible stepmother, but instead of admitting he resents her he pretends all is fine and just ignores her as much as possible except on her birthday and Christmas. He used to deal with her more when his Father was alive but now that he has died, he can ignore her more often. He has never dealt with his past and is not doing it now. Of course he is not the only one responsible for the break-up of our relationship but he chose not to deal with the issues and problems at the time but instead to run away from them. He only told me to leave once he knew he was being transferred to another city with his job. His previous relationship, he walked out and rented another apartment in the same city to avoid him. He does not believe broken things can be fixed. If an appliance or automobile was not working properly his first reaction was to get a new car or TV or stereo. And in relationships, while perhaps he did not look for a new partner he walked away because he believed they could not be fixed.

While with him I let my self-esteem fall to an all time low and I have not got my self-esteem back. I never felt he believed in me or that he defended me. He agreed with all his friends that I was an opinionated, ignorant person from the backward colonies. I desperately wanted his help to do my job search, but all he saw was a lazy ass…sponging off him. I became a liability that had no value to him at all. Even in sex he demanded I service him, he said it was a joke, but it never felt that way to me. He accused me of dominating him but he controlled almost everything. Yes I was verbal and he came from a family that never raised their voices or argued so I can understand why he may have found my behaviour in that regard different. He accused me of causing his weight gain, his depression, and his high blood pressure but today he still has those problems so he will have to take some of the blame for those conditions himself.

Yes I did betray him, but he shut me out of his life emotionally…I turned to others for the emotional side of the relationship he did not want to give me. I suppose he was protecting himself from getting hurt. That is probably why he never showed emotion when he ended the relationship and he said there was to be no discussion about it! Unemployed and with no money I had no choice but to accept his orders. But he assured me we would remain friends…well I doubt that will ever be the case.

I am so angry, I want to call and tell him all of this, but what good would it do, it would only upset him and push him further away. He chooses not to deal with the difficult situations of life but I hope he finds what he wants, but he must learn, that it is not easy you have to work for a good relationship and for a good life!