TIME HEALS

Last night was bad for me. I felt really lonely. I just wanted to be with friends to talk to friends but I didn't want to call anyone as I was in one of those down moods and I would not be pleasant to talk to. I doubted that I even had friends that cared, but of course I do. I thought that I could not have friends because I did not know how to be a friend. I thought my friends were letting me down but that is only because I have too many expectations and I realized that I should not expect anything and then I can't be disappointed.

I was also thinking about my ex and how he made me feel that the break-up was my entire fault. I was the one who was wrong and I was the reason for all his problems. But after agonizing I realize he has to take some responsibility as well. He could have stood up to me at any time; I had no control over him. The break-up was just as much his fault as mine. I know I was always supportive of him and still speak kindly of him to others. But he never really supported me mentally. He never gave me the help I needed or was searching for but then again I should not rely on others. I also began to think that he never loved me that he only thought he loved me because it was the right thing to do. And then I doubted my own love, have I ever loved anyone (apart from family) or has anyone ever loved me. Sometimes the words, " I love you" are said too easily. And in my relationships I have said them first 99% of the time. Perhaps I don't really know what love is or perhaps I am so afraid I will never find someone I truly love that truly loves me I said those words too quickly. I got myself in to a very bad state yesterday. I went for a walk and thought about all this, I cried on my walk but the solitude was good and I could think. And soon I was OK again, I still thought about it all, but we all have to take responsibility for ourselves. I have always tried to treat people well; I am a loyal person and for the most part honest. I never willing tried to hurt or harm anyone and I have respected for people. Even when my ex asked me to leave, I could have refused, but realized you can't make someone love you, so I left without a fight. I want to hate him but I can't. I have loved others before and I have loved another after and someday I will meet someone I love who loves me. I know in my heart I am a good person even if I have momentary doubts. It would be nice to have friends who could listen to me in such a state but it wouldn't be fair to them and it is better for me to go through this myself. The healing is taking a long time but I will heal and I will be a better person.



This is the clock tower of the old post office in my town, which is now a pseudo English pub.