RELATIONSHIPS???

Why do we all want a relationship when they always seem to cause so much trouble, I guess because it is human nature to be with someone, we are not creatures designed to live a solitary life.

Wednesday I got a call from P.M. He was talking about his problems with his current boyfriend Olivier. Olivier is in love with P.M. but P.M. does not feel the same way. P.M. has told Olivier this many times but they had been having dinner the evening before and P.M. broke down and began to cry. He realizes he likes Olivier very much they have so much in common although he is not sure of the sexual attraction. P.M. feels he keeps pushing people away and should seek counseling to overcome this problem. But I think sometimes all of us push people away for various reasons, we may not want a committed relationship at the time, we may be at a place in our lives where we feel content and maybe we are just waiting for the perfect person to come along. I hope he can come to terms with his decision and his dilemma he is a fantastic guy and if I can't have him maybe Olivier should!

Is my problem that I can't let go of the past. Yesterday I was in tears again as I thought of S.M. and how our relationship crumbled as we both watched. Each of us too afraid to take action for fear of pushing the other further away. But in the end we just drifted further and further apart. S.M. does not think I am a very nice person. He thinks I am selfish, lazy and dominating. Maybe he is right, perhaps I am all of those things. Maybe I did deserve to lose him. Maybe he deserves better. Maybe I should just let him go, never to see or speak to him again. Maybe? But there is still something in me that wants to fight to at least retain him as a friend. Is that wrong?

PANIC! AGAIN!

I woke up this morning looked at the clock 6:00AM and then PANIC! I don't have a job, will I find a job, why is no one interested in me as an employee? What will I do? What will happen to me? Will I become another homeless person wandering the streets? Can anyone help me or must I do this on my own? Will I ever get my confidence and self-esteem back? Too many questions and no answers. I must just try and not let the negative thoughts take over my mind. Try to remain positive. Sometimes it just feels like no one is in my corner cheering me on and I just feel so alone. Certainly I am not alone physically but mentally I have never been lonelier in my life. Life has to get better doesn't it? If it gets worse will I have the strength to survive? BE POSITIVE! I will find work! I will get my confidence and self esteem back! I will make friends! I will find someone who wants to share their life with me! Yes, it will be good again soon!

I have friends who hire fitness instructors, voice coaches, language coaches, physchriatrists and councilors for personal problems, dietitians for weight problems, should I hire a job coach? Do they exist? Can I afford it? I made the choice to give up a career for love will I pay for that mistake for a the rest of my life? There are employment agencies that are supposed to help you find work but they are expensive and I can't afford their fees and their interest is in collecting fees and not just on finding you a job? Is this struggle my penance?

Calm, calm, calm...it will be OK! It has to be OK!

PANIC!

I went to the bank today to transfer some money and boy did I panic. I have realized the money won't last much longer. Boy did I have a heavy feeling in my stomach. But I will find a job soon. I am a good employee. A company needs a good employee like me. But when? All this relationship ending, not finding a job, moving back to Canada, leaving behind my friends has not been good for my self esteem. I am a good person, I am a good friend, I am a good lover, I am a good employee. I am good! How much worse can it get, at the moment I am not enjoying life, I am barely living life. It has to get better, if it gets any worse I will be on the streets begging. I am not a waste of space, I am a valuable human being. Somebody will want me. I must start living, don't worry so much about the future. Just do my best now and enjoy. It will get better!

Messed Up!

Nothing much has happened in the last few days! Just been thinking about my relationship and how I screwed it up. I have had a knot in my stomach for over a year now, will it ever disappear? I had a brief conversation with S.M., the ex, on MSM Messenger yesterday. I thought it would get easier but it hasn't. The problem is I purposely keep the conversation very superficial because I don't want to upset him. I guess that is pretty stupid. He asks how I am and I say OK, he never asks me about the job situatition, I never ask about his personal life. The biggest reason for him dumping me was because he thought I did not want to work and I think he now realizes that there was more to it than that. Finding a job is a difficult process. He has a particular skill and has had the same job for quite a few years, a rarity these days, but I guess civil servant jobs do offer that security. I would really like to be friends with him, he was my best friend but that is over, perhaps now we will only be acquaintances. I make him feel guilty and he has never learned to deal with that emotion. It is what distances him from his family and it will probably soon end our ties. But is he not intelligent enough to know that if he is a sincere and honest person believing he is doing what is best for him without harming others that their is no logically reason for feeling guilt? I guess it is not that simple. I truly believe we could have worked out our problems but that required two people willing to try and that did not happen. Maybe I should just let him be and not contact him anymore...maybe it would be easier for him and me? but I really really like the guy! Whatever happened to the fairy tale endings?

The Weekend!

Had an OK weekend. Saturday I met up with a guy from a local chat room. He was an interesting character a very brash outgoing type. We went to one of the local bars for their bear bash. It was interesting to meet some of the guys you talk to on-line. I was particularly taken by one guy who's on-line name is dazzlingblue. He has the most amazing sapphire blue eyes I had ever seen and they are natural, not coloured contact lenses. He is also an extremely handsome man. I was particularly attracted to this man. The interesting thing was that he was deaf and communicating with him was accomplished by writing questions and answers on a small notebook which he carried. It is much more difficult to judge if someone is interested in you or not communicating in such a manner. It is much easier to gage a person's level of interest, by the tone of their voice and how they look at you when they talk. After about fifteen minutes of communicating with this gorgeous man, I determined he was not interested in me...oh well...I can still dream.

The guy I went with N.T., was about six years older than me and seemed to know everyone. This was nice because he introduced me to everyone and could give brief synopsis of people. He took a while to get used to, having such an outgoing personality but I did enjoy his company and think he would be fun to go out with for a drink or to a movie. Time will tell if a friendship develops.

Today I met up with a guy called David who I met on line. Are gay men the only people crazy enough to meet a guy for sex after talking to them for five minutes on-line? Would straight people rush into such a liaison? But surprisingly enough we clicked quite well sexually, he was a very fit and handsome man in his late thirties and it was a very nice time for both of us. Afterwards we talked a bit and hopefully will see each other again if not sexually at least as friends. I then went to a movie, "Supersize Me" about a guy who eats only at McDonalds for a month. It was an interesting documentary, although anti-McDonalds as too be expected. There is another side to the story but it was never the less quite interesting and some of the criticism of McDonalds is justified although a lot of the problems with obesity are associated with the changing lifestyles we lead, particularly in North America and to blame fast food outlets like McDonalds is a bit simplistic.

Just before I was about to enter the cinema, my cell phone rang. It was P.M. calling from Brussels. I quickly called him back as I am always anxious to speak to him. We had a brief five minute conversation. He has boyfriend problems. It was his boyfriend's birthday Saturday and there had been a party. The party ended at about 7AM in the morning. The two of them walked back to P.M's place and stopped on the Place Jeu de Ball for a sandwich and frites where Olivier, P.M's boyfriend (Although P.M. would never use that term!), began professing his love of P.M. and his desire for a serious relationship. Olivier got very upset and P.M. was upset trying to explain to Olivier that although he likes him very much, enjoys his company and sometimes has sex with him that he does not see the relationship going anywhere and that he does not love him. P.M. has always been very up front with Olivier about his feelings and finds it hard to understand Olivier's reaction. But I have been there falling for the charm's of P.M. but him not falling for me, but still wanting to see me, sleep with me and be my friend. I can sympathize with Olivier and know he will have a difficult time as he has spent more time with P.M. than I and because they are both Francophone have much more in common. But I am sure, like me, Olivier will try to hold on to P.M. because there is something about him that makes him so charming you want to retain him as a friend if nothing else. Unfortunately P.M. and I did not get to speak very long and I hope that he will call me this week so we can have a nice long chat.

I also spoke to my friend, F.D. Friday evening, who is still in Italy. She was talking about her BLOG and her writing. I did not realize she was so prolific or her love and need to write. I think she is an excellent writer and could probably make a living from it if she was willing to compromise in the sense that she would have to cater to the editor's desires or perhaps she could write a novel and win the Booker Prize. It was a nice chat, I always enjoy talking to her and she mentioned Welsh Rarebit which I know have a desire to eat! Just have to find it now!

ADDICTIONS!

I guess we all have addictions and most of us have numerous addictions. I don't smoke and while I do drink I am not addicted. But I am addicted to food and sex. Why? Because the both make you feel good? Food is comforting and tastes good and then again so is sex. How do you know if you really are addicted to sex. Is it by the number of partners you have, that is a scary thought, or is more to do with the reason you have sex. For me sex has been a part of my life for a very long time from an early age. Sure it started by myself but for as long as I can remember I have been masturbating. And sex with other people started at about the age of 11. Sex makes you feel that others like you, it is comforting having a warm body next to you, and ultimately there is the orgasm. Even as a wee child, I had orgasms, without ejaculation but the release still feels good. Some children sucked their thumbs, others had a favourite blanket for me, I used to masturbate by lying in bed and rubbing my erection on the mattress until I reached orgasm or was told to stop by a parent. And I can't remember a time when I did not practice sex or masturbation, actually that is a lie. A few years ago I had a serious illness, I was in the hospital for 7 weeks and at home recovering for almost 4 months...and that is the longest time I have gone without an orgasm. During that time I never thought of sex or desired it...my poor partner. But when I wanted sex again..it was a sure sign of my recovery. I still remember ejaculating after almost six months of abstinence...mmmm. I could never be a monk!

When I was growing up I thought people of my age no longer had sex. And now I can't imagine a life without sex. Perhaps the orgasms are not as frequent as before but then again maybe they are. And as a single gay male, sex is pretty easy to find. And now days with the introduction of Viagara people's sex lives will continue as long as they are physically able. And if any of you men have been to a gay sauna, you know that there are always older gentleman eager to give a guy pleasure even if they themselves remain flaccid. So even without the anticipation of an impending orgasm the human body still has the urge to be close to others or to give others pleasure or perhaps it is just men trying to prove they are men? So is this such a bad addiction. I guess things like STD do make frequent encounters with numerous partners riskier, but if you play safely all should be well. I could have worse addictions, alcohol, gambling...but then there is the addiction to internet chat rooms...ahhh......

FEAR!

I think this evening I just came to the realization that fear is holding me back..specifically fear of failure. When I got fired from my job at E&Y in BXL, it was very devastating for me. And to make matters worse, my partner S.M. practically accused me of getting fired on purpose but nothing could have been further from the truth. I was hired for the job on the spot on the basis that I had done an internship for E&Y while in school in BXL. The internship was a six month temporary position. They wanted me to stay on but I was not allowed to because of my immigration status. One of the manager's even tried to recruit me for the Paris office but again I was not eligible to work. For the internship it was more an administrative job and I got along well with everyone. When I was hired again it was doing tax returns specifically which I knew I would not like very much but took the job as I needed work and S.M. expected me to be working. I really did try to do well in the job but a number of circumstances were working against me. Firstly a temporary manager from the U.S. took an instant dislike to me, I was one of the last hired for the tax season and Belgian law allows anyone to be fired for no reason within six months of beginning a new job and finally because of my age, the union required me to be paid more than younger employees. All of these circumstances resulted in me being let go as well as the person hired after me, as extra help was not needed in the off season. S.M. was not supportive at all, he did not realize how devastated I was about losing the job. Even though I knew it was not the career for me, I wanted to work for a year or so to get a good reference and look for other work or to get transferred to a different department within E&Y. S.M. simply assumed I had got fired on purpose so I could mooch off him. How wrong he was.

And only today have I realized how much that incident has affected me. I am afraid to try for jobs that I don't feel I have 100% of the qualifications for, in case I might fail again. But would failing be so bad, the important thing is to try. I am a good worker, hard working, loyal, interested in learning new things, interested in looking at new methods of doing things, good at working with people and being innovative. I could be an asset to so many companies. I am a great employee. People like working with me, so I must project that. I must try for jobs I know I could do well even if I do not meet 100% of the posted requirements.

A boss once told me that I am my own worst enemy. He said it in reference to not being able to promote myself, not being confident in knowing or showing that I can do things. I must overcome that, I must "blow my own horn." Any company should consider hiring me an asset of immense proportions for their company. I should not be afraid to go out on a limb and try new things. I can succeed. I can do a great job. I can be an excellent company asset. I will succeed.

This thought process must also be employed in my social life. I put myself down. I tend to emphasis my negative traits. And while it is important to be aware of those negative traits so that I can effectively deal with them and make compensation, I must project my positive traits. I am a good person. I am a nice person. I am a kind person. I am a good friend. I am a loyal friend. I am a thoughtful person. I am an interesting person. I am honest and sincere. Anyone would be privileged to call me a friend. Yes I am a terrific person!

PS. Yesterday I was very down, probably because I haven't heard from P.M. in almost a week, no e-mails, no phone calls. I just don't understand it, perhaps he is busy, but he could find time to write or make a brief phone call. Perhaps I still confuse him as much as he confuses me?

How Stupid?

How stupid can I be? Just because P.M. phoned several times last week I was expecting a call today. He has not called yet and probably won't if he hasn't called by now. I guess I should know better, he has moved on, it is time I moved on. I guess we can ever only be friends now and I guess that is OK. Was just hoping for more but I guess I am a dreamer, I should be more of a realist. But than if I was a realist I probably wouldn't still be living, I would have given up on this life long ago. But somehow I dream it will get better and while it may not always live up to my dreams, it turns out not too bad. Falling for P.M. may have been the result of me rebounding from S.M. but I would still want P.M. regardless. I'd like to think I was over S.M. as well, but then hope springs eternal...someday, somewhere, somehow, I'd like to think it might be possible to have a relationship with P.M. or S.M. again. In the mean time I guess I just need to concentrate on getting my life in order and then other things should fall in place. It just seems to take so long and the older you get, the longer it seems. Growing old is not fun. And living with your parents at this age just emphasis the aging process...and it isn't something to look forward to.

There is the funny side of growing old. I am bald, but hair keeps wanting to grow on parts of my body where there never was hair...what a cruel joke of nature. Nose hair, back hair...and all I want is a full head of hair. My parents seem to produce more body gases than natural...is that what I have to look forward to? Walking becomes more difficult, the bones creek and the joints get stiff. And for some the process of change becomes more difficult. Wednesday I go to the optometrist, because it is time to admit I may need reading glasses. I have managed this many years without them but now I have to admit despite my sense of vanity that reading glasses might make reading easier and more comfortable. And I've reached that age where my doctor has made the prostate exam part of the physical examination. I keep thinking I am losing my short term memory, but in actuality I think my mind is pretty much the same. It is merely the fear that I am losing my memory. And I am not even 50 yet. When you live by yourself or with someone your own age...I guess you don't notice the aging process the same, but living with your parents it makes aging a reality. Will I have to go through all of that? And looking for a job, the first thought is not what kind of job will I find exciting, stimulating and fulfilling but what kind of benefits does the company offer. Are these legitimate concerns? Or should I just follow my heart instead. Or is it just because my parents who are about to retire are worrying about money, benefits and their future? Being a gay man lets you live a pretty selfish life. I have no one that I am responsible for except myself. I work for my own benefit not for my children or family. Is that what being gay is all about living a hedonistic and selfish life. I must admit I have enjoyed my life very much.

And did my relationship with S.M. break up because he was too selfish to share his life with mine? No I think S.M. thought I was using him, and he didn't believe I still loved him. I guess I am not an affectionate person all the time. I can understand S.M. being frustrated at that because he and I were both insecure types...and nothing is nicer for a insecure person than to have another person demonstrating their love for you constantly. But he never demonstrated that love to me in ways I wanted in the last few years and I guess we both ignored that need for reassurance in each other. I really wish we could have gone to counciling and gotten the opinion or suggestions of an unbiased person. S.M.'s friends in whom he confided never really liked me and saw me as the person who prevented him from spending more time with them. They all agreed with him quickly about dumping me. My friends on the other hand, all said to try and work things out. S.M.'s friends are no longer in touch with me, but my friends are still in touch with S.M. Am I really that bad a person? No I am a nice person perhaps just misunderstood. Wow I have really mattered on today..time to take a break and think about all this stuff!

Things

I ran into B.F. yesterday which was weird because he sent me an email yesterday. I responded to the email as soon as I got it suggesting a get together yesterday but he had already logged off and did not get my message. We met at C.L. which was a bit embarrassing but that was where we first met. We had a nice chat as usual, he is very nice to talk to although sometimes I just want to be silly and not have "in-depth" conversations all the time. He is a nice guy I think he would be a nice friend.

Friday I went to see the move "Girl With A Pearl Earring", it was very interesting and although I do not think it showed the true beauty of Vermeer's paintings the story was interesting and also great for learning about the times. After I went to the bar L.U. I had an interesting time and talked to a few people. One guy was there with two girlfriends of his. I said hello as I found him interesting. He was friendly but unfortunately attached. He seems an interesting guy if a bit full of him self. His name was Rob and he said he would look at my resume and pass it on, that there may be a position for me at his company. Well I will send him the resume it is worth a try and perhaps we will become friends.

This morning my parent's started bickering...and I realized it is the same way I react when I get upset or angry with people. Can I change that...how do I go about changing such a habit. I guess I need a keyword or symbol so that when I start to go into that kid of reaction I can stop it and change direction...but can I do it purely on my own..it would be easier with someone to remind me of my goals...but as I am alone right now I will have to try to notice the signs and change directions on my own.

Got an email from P.M. today. He was in London, UK yesterday and today. He was asked by the Belgian Embassy in London to do a D.J. set under the banner of Annette et Pascualino. Annette is one of his best friends and they do a bi-weekly radio show on the ULB radio network in BXL. It was a great honour to be asked to play at the embassy and will be good for his reputation. He said he had a good time and that I could call but by the time I read the message he had left the hotel. Perhaps he will call tonight and tell me all the details of London?

Well now off to do some things today...first a walk.

Encore!

Yes P.M. called again this afternoon and a it was a 90 minute phone call. Perhaps I make too much of this. He is home alone and just wants to talk so he calls me. I guess I should just accept the situation for what it is and not read anything else into the scenario.

Not much else happened today, applied for four jobs today, there seems to be more job postings these last weeks. I hope this is a good sign and that perhaps soon I will be once again employed.

Also finally got a comment on my blog...a very nice comment form L. a friend of F.D. It is nice to know that people still care.

He's Back!

P.M. has called three days in a row. I am confused and pleased. I enjoy talking to him, but does this mean anything that he has called so often? I know I should not expect anything from him, distance and circumstances make that improbable, but I just wonder? We were talking of text messages today or SMS. His phone only holds 17 messages at a time. He receives so many SMS from friends he has to constantly delete them, but before he does delete them he records them in a journal. He says he still keeps a couple of my SMS on his GSM. That means those messages are over a year old, because I can not send them to him from my cell phone here, does it mean anything or is he just sentimental? I have bigger problems I should be worried about, but I do enjoy the daily doses of Prozac his calls provide!

Still searching for a job. I have been encouraged lately about the increase in the number of jobs that are of interest and that I am applying for so perhaps I will find something soon. Dad suggested I attend a seminar on becoming a real estate agent today. The field does interest me, but I want out of this town, I want to live in a big city, and can I succeed as an agent in Toronto? I guess I should not doubt myself but just give it my best shot. I am going to call about the seminar tomorrow. It will be interesting to attend it what ever my decision.

Spoke to the ex, S.M. on MSN Messenger today, but I think he just felt guilty and said hello to be polite. I am very careful when I talk to him, I try not to say anything negative or to complain. I don't know why I do that but I want his friendship and I know he can not handle guilt and if I make him feel guilty he will want to push me farther away. Maybe I am crazy and should just be myself. All my life I have hidden from the real me...perhaps it is time to just be myself! Damn the others!