LISTEN TO THE WISE

I had a restless night last night. I tossed and turned for hours, not the first time in the last few years but certainly the first time in the last few months I could not sleep. Yesterday I was quite down after having gotten back from Toronto. Then I spoke to Am, PM and SM. All are concerned about me but SM is afraid to say anything. PM on the other hand has this ability to say things to me that if from a stranger I would become defensive but he has this manner in which he can say the truth and yet it does not feels like criticism. He told me that I hadn't really been living life for the last few years even begininig in BXL which is true and that I should be out of my parent's house, which is true and that I need to take some chances which is also true. I guess wisdom does not always come with age. The man is ten years younger than me and ten years wiser. I guess he went through some turbulent times a number of years ago and unlike me has gained a great deal of knowledge and wisdom from the experience. I guess the only difference is that I do not have a job or have had a permanent full time job in several years where he has had employment continually. And as I am older I guess I am conditioned to lessen my risks not take more, but what do I really have to lose? I am in a situation I hate, I am embarassed for myself, I have no self esteem and I am not enjoying life, could it get any worse? PM of course you are right, but will I find the courage to do what I need to do? PM your friends are lucky, you are an understanding and caring individual. Someone who respects his friends, supports his friends and is their for them. How lucky your friends are PM.

I feel all alone here, of course physically I am not but mentally I don't have any such connection with my friends. Perhaps they are treating me cautiously as they are afraid to hurt my feelings or are unsure of my sometimes fragile state(although I can hide fragility well). But I guess I need to hear the truth, it will probabaly make me a stronger and better person. For some reason it seems easy for me to see other people's strengths but when it comes to myself I only see weaknesses. Have I always been this way or did I let myself slip into this hole? The downward slide started when I got fired from the job at E&Y. SM practically accused me of purpusely trying to get fired. In fact I tried every avenue not to get fired, but as he was away on business for two months when this was occuring he never new my real anguish and the sleepless nights that business caused. Losing the job was very bad for my self esteem and being in a city surrounded by very intelligent people or at least people who felt they were intellictually superior made me feel even worse. Yes perhaps I could only speak one language and they could speak several, yes perhaps I did not attend schools of the same calibre as them, and I didn't know anythig about opera or lierature, and they thought I was the ignorant North American, but at least I had common sense, could balance a check book, I new more about financial matters and I have great taste and I did not work for the great bureacracy's in which it was easy to slip into the no need to strive to be the best to get ahead mode. But at the time I let my self feel inferior to them and my slide down into the hole continued quickly. In a land where I could not speak the official languages searching for work became difficult and in fact I was not even sure how to go about the search or who to turn to for help. So to make myself feel better I believed I was important being the perfect partner, host and household manager but in reality that was all a facade. And perhaps that is my greatest weakness presenting a facade to fool all but the closest of friends and I am probably still doing that. Afraid to admit my real situation and my real feelings. There are so many things I would like to do if I had the money but now I let the fear of failure, my age phobia and fear of the unknown stop me. I wish knewing the problem was enough to overcome the problem!

POST TORONTO

Today has been a tough day. I am suffering the affects of post Toronto blues. From being in Toronto as my own person enjoying life to coming home to a small town living with my parents. I made the wrong decision to move back home after leaving Europe but I did it out of fear. I had no job and only savings to survive. I knew I would not be happy in this small town but chose the safe option. My instinct was to move directly to Toronto but how do you do that afte rliving in another country for eight years. I have no credit rating here, which you need to sign a lease, I had very little savings to pay for rent while I job hunt or to pay for food and necessities. Perhaps it is my age, the older you get, you become more cautious or is that just me. I guess I have to do something soon, but what? I guess find any job I can in the neighbouring larger city. But then I still have to worry about how I can commute there while I save money for the lease on an apartment. Shit I seem to keep myself in this hole with negative thoughts. Help, help, help, someone help me! But perhaps this is my test in life, to get myself out of this place mentally and physically. It is a struggle that seems to never end and one I thought I would never have to face. In this western society we are so brainwashed about saving for the future and your retirement. But at what expense; by not enjoying life for the moment. And who knows how long we have here on earth? Yes I did/do have some savings, my emergency back to Canada fund is gone, the down payment for my own place is gone, next will be my retirement savings, them my very small pension savings and then my stocks etc. Gosh when I put it on paper I don't seem so bad but it is the unkown that is scarey. But at the sake of worrying about the future I am not living the present. JUST FUCKING DO IT!!!!

I had an MSN Messenger conversation with both PM and SM today. PM is such a wise man, the more I know him the more I respect and admire him. He lives life for the moment but at the same time is kind and considerate towards his family and friends. He is enjoying life. And although considerably younger than me seems to have his shit together. PM thank you for all your support, I miss you. SM was politely saying hi today out of guilt for neglecting me I suspect. But at least he said hello. It still hurts like hell to have lost my best friend. I even tried to ask him some personal questions today without appearing rude but with a sense of genuine interests which is the reason I did ask. My mother was asking about using his flat in London so I cautiously asked SM if she could use his flat if it was empty. He said yes and seemed very sincere. Maybe we have both got passed the stage of blaming each other? I do hope that at some stage in the future we can again be good friends.

OK JOE, now get your fucking shit together...change tactics....do something....take a risk...start living...don't be afraid to fail...become stronger...become a better person....become something, anything....

MORE CULTURE!

Yesterday Saturday I found more culture to entertain me in Toronto. I went to an exhibition of photographs and videos by a photographer. The exhibit was very interesting with two main themes. One involved photographs of people clothed and then naked and super imposing the images. It was like we had x-ray vision and could see through the subjects clothes. The others were collages of several photographs of the same subjects arranged in such a way as to suggest a kind of movement in the photographs. I wish my friend PM could see this exhibit. He is a photographer and would have liked the exhibit very much.

Last night I went to another play, Cold Meat Party by Brad Fraser. It was sort of a Big Chill for people of my age with a gay slant to the play. I enjoyed it very much. It did have some bizarre twists in it which the general public probably did not appreciate but fans of Brad Fraser surely wood. Two of the characters were involved in body mutation. A woman who was diagnosed with breast cancer and was facing the possibility of having her breast removed surgically. The other a friend of hers from university was going to castrate himself, he had found a woman on the Internet who would perform the procedure. The man had always felt his balls were alien to his body and had attempted self castration unsuccessfully as a teenager but his mother walked in and it was blamed on the inhalation of fumes from the model he was building at the time. It was quite interesting to see the reaction of the female who did not want parts of her body removed but would have to in order to live and her resentment of a man who was willing removing body parts that were doing him no harm. I think this would make an excellent movie. It was also interesting to note that the play was commissioned by two theatres one in Manchester, England and one in Toronto, but the Toronto theatre refused to produce it because of the controversial content. The play was produced in Manchester and the smaller fringe theatre in Toronto brought over the director from Manchester for it's production a year later. It was also a bit of a mind trip being taken back to memories of the 80's by means of music and the stories of the characters.

I then met a couple of friends G and M who I had been chatting to on the Internet for a couple of months. we had a glass of wine and some nice chat. It was late so I took myself home to rest my cold but we are meeting again this afternoon and I am looking forward to it.

I called PM to wish him a happy Birthday today but he was busy so I will have to wait and catch up with all his news later in the week. Well tomorrow I go back home to the land of limited culture. I will miss Toronto.

OPERA

Last night I went to the Canadian premier of Margaret Atwood's, The Handmaid's Tale. It was a gala event with the corporate sponsours hosting pre-show cocktail receptions and there was a pre-show talk about the opera which I attended. The talk was very useful in ensuring that I got the most out of the opera. The actual opera was very good...the story was excellent, the set and costumes very effective and the music was good. But please these long curtain calls have to stop! Everyone involved in the production was called on stage, including Margaret Atwood, Poul Ruders the composer, Paul Bentley the librettist( I didn't even know what this was until last night!). All of the performers and writers etc. are being paid well for their performances and well it is traditional for the cast to take a bow, when does it end???? They should be paying the audiences for such extended applause!!!!

Fashion at the opera, while I forgot it was opening night and went in a pair of military khaki green pants and grey t-shirt, but I was comfortable in the stuffiness at the top of the balcony in the cheap seats. Some of the older people still dress for the opera, and because it was opening night there were even people in ball gowns and tuxedos. And then you get the after work crowd still in business attire, the real opera hounds in casual and sensible attire, kids in their street wear and the middle-class suburbanites who's idea of dressing to go to the opera is socks with their sandals, both men and women....look people socks with sandals is a big fashion faux pas, if you want to wear socks, wear enclosed shoes!!!! Opera was originally entertainment for the masses so different styles of dress are to be expected and accepted although in today's world expensive opera ticket prices tend to make it a more elitist affair, although most opera companies do try to make a limited amount of tickets affordable to those of us on very restricted incomes. I enjoyed the opera last night, I think I will have to read the book now. The only drawback was the cold I woke up with yesterday morning. And because of the hot streak here at the moment, the theatre was a bit warm and stuffy.

While I think that is about all my culture this trip to Toronto, but it is Art Week commencing today so who knows what other exhibits I may run into unexpectedly.

CULTURE?

Yesterday I went for a bit of culture and saw the play SNOWMAN by Greg McCarthur at Buddies In Bad Times Theatre in Toronto. It was a very good play, serious but with humour and it made you think. The cast was well chosen and played their respective roles well. The set although simple was effective. The play was about people dealing with their problems, some of the problems you can relate to, some you can't. The impetus for dealing with their personal problems was the discovery of a 10,000 year old body found frozen in a glacier. I guess being a gay man I could relate most to the young boy who found the body. He had been abandoned by his family and living in a small town had no gay friends. So he became emotionality attached to the frozen body as it was a comfort to him, he saw it as somebody who could understand him, someone who could not reject him, someone able to love him unconditionally. It sounds sad but I can assure you growing up gay in a small town is hard, perhaps not harder than a large city but in a sense you feel more isolated and more alone as you never see people like yourself. I liked the play a great deal and expect it will do well where ever or when ever it is produced and kudos to the playwright, a great job! I aspire to write a piece such as this someday but I am still lacking the discipline to just sit down and do it. I was speaking with my friend FD yesterday who was questioning me on my work to date, thank you FD for the gentle reminder.

And today I am going to indulge in a bit more culture as I go to the opera, The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. I am hoping it does not disappoint and that I do not fall asleep. Before the performance there is a talk about the piece which I will try to attend as when it comes to opera, I find the more you know about it before hand, the easier it is to understand. I will let you know what I think of the production.

I was suppopsed to meet a couple of friends this week, but have not heard from them. Perhaps they are busy? Or perhaps they weren't sincere whey they said they wanted to get together. Oh well, I will see what the rest of the week brings.

PASSIONS-AMBITIONS

I have never had a passion in life that has been socially acceptable, my passions for food or sex are considered addictions because they don't fit into the notion of normal in society. Addictions are also passions out of control, well might some say my passion for food is out of control because I am over weight or I use it as a means to make me feel better...but it does not control my life and I can survive when on a diet, I don't get suicidal or depressed or emotionally enraged. And the same thing can be said for sex, certainly not addicted to it in the sense that it controls my life and I certainly can go some time without having it...but again it is how it fits in with the norms of society. I could easily blame my parents for my lacks of a passion, for not encouraging my interests as a child, but in all honesty they were children raising children and had more pressing matters like making sure we had a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs and clothes to wear. It is easy to look back and make judgments but realistically my parents did everything they thought they could do. They certainly encouraged my brothers in their passion and love of sports but I suppose they could understand those passions. My interests were always different and something they could not relate to so did not know how to deal with them. But what is stopping me from developing passions in life now? Fear of failure, fear of looking like a newbie to a subject, but in honesty I know people who have a real passion in life love to share their knowledge of their personal passions so that is merely an excuse. Perhaps it is the the thought of appearing ignorant but in all honesty, I am ignorant of many things and am not afraid to admit those of which I am ignorant. Perhaps it is just laziness?

I have many friends with many passions and have been lucky to have those friends share their passions with me. Friends into music, opera, writing, film etc., Perhaps I don't want to develop a passion because I feel I will bore people with it or I may lose their interest if they only wish to follow their own passions. There are so many things in life I would love to learn more about but stop myself from doing it. Why.....as in a famous advertising slogan, "Just Do It". And right now my passion should be to find employment but I consider this my current job..and while a few are lucky to have work as a passion, for me at the moment it isn't my passion. I think I'll try and get tickets to the new opera this week, "The Handmaiden's Tale", by Margaret Atwood, I enjoy modern opera even though I know very little about it. Just got to take a chance and experiment.

THINKING!!

Yesterday I was on a bus to Toronto for two hours. Again too much time to think, wish I could read on the bus but the motion makes me sick. I am trying to be positive about my thoughts these days but it is not always easy. Sunday I just couldn't stop thinking that I don't have a job! I expected it to take at least six months to find a job and quite possibly longer but over a year it is not good. Am I just unqualified for all the jobs, or over-qualified or too old. This out of work things does a real number on your self esteem. I guess when I do find something and I look back, I may be able to see the positive character building aspect of such an ordeal?

When I got into Toronto, I decided to go to a movie. Of course I picked a mushy love story and got a bit teary eyed a few times. Movie wasn't great but it was entertaining...in case you wondering "Wimbledon" was the name of the movie. I seem to be so emotional in my middle years..I don't know why, perhaps because at this age you beg to appreciate the true value of relationships with others more. When you are young it seems easier to have friends that come and go quickly, but I seem to want to hang on to friends more now. Maybe it is not an age issue just me, I do try and make an effort to keep in contact with friends.

Met a guy Sunday night, we had been chatting for a while he is from Chicago but in Toronto on work occasionally. Last night we were finally able to meet. Wow.....talk about a passionate evening, while physically the meeting was A+++ (especially the 3:30AM wake up!!)I don't think mentally we connected a whole lot, possible because being the same age, we realize the problems of long distance relationships and the complications involved. But he is a nice guy and if we meet again it would be terrific.!

While what else will Toronto hold for me this week. It certainly is more adventurous than the small town I call home for the moment.

DOWN DAY

Today has been a very down day, I am feeling sorry for myself. I feel all alone today. I feel I have no friends. To console myself I eat, not because I am hungry but because it makes me feel good. I have a very hard time making friends. I seem to find it difficult becoming friends with people. I guess I feel an attraction to people very quickly and if that is not reciprocated I feel that the other person does not like me. But in reality I know friendships take time to develop. I would love to have a few friends I could call when I feel like talking or someone I could call to go to a movie or out for a drink. But I am so insecure I feel I can't do that, I feel that people should phone and ask me, if I do, I fear rejection. Even if the rejection is for a legitimate reason such as prior plans. I guess I am afraid that people won't or don't like me which is silly as everyone is not going to like me, I don't like every person I meet and I certainly don't bond or connect with people on the first meeting all the time! I feel like I am 14 again. When I was in high school living in the country, a time when I knew I was different from all my other friends and their was no one else like me around, a very lonely time in my life. Here I am today feeling exactly the same. I am a middle age man, I should have a career, I should have some good friends around me, I should have a nest egg for my future, I should have a home of my own, and I should have a significant other in my life. I have none of this. Because of my situation I feel others are laughing at me, I feel like a failure, I am an outsider! It makes me more insecure. I wonder why anyone would want to be around me, what could I possibly offer others? I know making friends takes time and effort, but I get so frustrated when I make the effort and nothing evolves from it. Perhaps my social skills are poor or perhaps people sense my insecurity and my negative energy so they prefer not to spend time with me? At my age I should have this all figured out...my life seems such a disaster....will I ever get back on track....I only seem to be able to make a mess of things.....

I had my dose of Prozac tonight with a few minutes of chat with P tonight on MSN messenger. Why do I feel so at ease with him, do we see life in a similar way or do we share common feelings and experiences? Don't analyze it just accept it as a very special friendship, one to enjoy and hold on to!

A SLUT!!!

Am I a slut? I have been talking to a guy, D ,in one of the chat rooms for quite some monhts. He and his parnter P have been together a long time, this seems a considerable feet today and even more so in the gay world. I was invited down to their place today knowing they have a open type of relationship. I was not sure what to expect but wanted to meet them. I nervously made the drive and when I arrived was even more nervous as I rang the doorbell and pleasantly suprised as a tall handsome man opened the door...his pictures and web cam did not do him justice. We hugged and kissed and he invited me in. We went to the porch and sat and talked. D was amazingly easy to talk to and a very wise man. After a while I had sat beside him and we hugged and touched and kissed and cuddled. We then went to his office and checked out the chat rooms, one of their friends knew I was coming to visit that day and was asking about me. D asked the guy if he wanted to come and play with me, the guy said yes he would be there in 20 minutes. D and I then made our way to the bedroom for some serious kissing and full body contact...it was great. Then the doorbell rang announcing the friends arrival. D told me to stay in the bedroom and wait. Next thing this other guy G walks in, a very handsome distinguished man and begins to kiss me. G and I then proceed to have some very physical sex for the next 45 minutes to an hour. I made G come but I did not come. G then left and I showered. D then asked me to stay for lunch and prepared lunch, we ate chatted and then made our way to the bedroom again, where we continued our heavy kissing, cuddling and rubbing sesssion. D made me cum twice within 20 minutes he had me so turned on and he then came big time. I showered again got dressed and we chatted a bit and decided to go to the shop D's boyfriend, P ran, to say hi before I set off home. I got a tour of the shop and met P, he was also a very handsome man. He asked me if I was in a hurry to go and asked if I would like to stay for a glass of wine and dinner. I said yes. We then had dinner and went back to their place for a glass of wine and chat. One thing lead to another and soon the three of us were naked and in bed. It was a very hot three way, but D left after a while and P and I finished jerking each other off to two huge big cum loads! Then P and I took a shower together to clean up. The three of us then chatted for a few minutes before I set off on the trip home. Those were and are two of the nicest guys I have ever met and both very handsome and intelligent. I really enjoyed their company both the mental and physical aspects. And they both seemed to have their lives so together. I need more friends like them. Even if the sex never happens again I think these guys are great. But...and their always is a but...why does society make me feel like I should feel guilty about sharing and enjoying sex with other people. It was fun, between consenting adults and no one was hurt...should that be wrong...no...it was fun!!! I am not a Slut!!

On the job front this week, some encouraging news. I had gone for an interview in Toronot but did not get the job although the company called back and said they liked me and that I should apply for some of the other positions available with the company, which I have done, perhaps they will see me as a candidate for one of
these positions. The lady who interviewed me also passed on a copy of my resume to a friend of hers who works for a rival company. So obvioulsy she believes I would be good in the business. I am going to follow-up with the person she passed my resume to and see what develops. Maybe someone is hearing my wishes?

Panic and Fear

Yes it has set in again. I had two interviews last week. One interview was horrible with the interviewer telling me to be successful as sales person I would have to lie, cheat and steal. The other went well but they were concerned I was too experienced and qualified...does that mean too old and they were worried I would leave if something better came along? This whole job hunting thing has got me so confused. I took a course but I guess I am not following their suggestions or I should be working now. Basically the course said that you will have more luck by who you know then what you know. I guess that is the unfair part of life , unless of course it works in your favour. In a year of job hunting I have had five interviews and two because someone I know had recommended me to the company. So I guess it is true, "it's not what you know but who you know" but then haven't I always known that?

Still struggling with my chat room addiction...well I guess it never was an addiction, but I have been avoiding it more lately, probably because I am the type that wants to believe everyone is honest and good, but that has not been my experience. There are some strange people out there that seem to get off on misleading people, but for what purpose? Guess I just have to be much more sceptical.

I haven't started to write my play yet even though I have noted the basic premise and I got some excellent feedback, suggestions and encouragement from my friend FD. She is a very loyal friend. Hey people send me your experiences or thoughts of sex in public toilets!!!

Had a call from PM Sunday. I was surprised as I had called him on Saturday. Sunday's talk was gentle and serious. It's nice knowing that someone actually wants to talk to me. I still have mixed feelings for him even though I know he just wants to be friends. I would love to go and visit him, but am not sure it is a good idea for me or that he even actually wants to see me, even if he did say I should come see his apartment in Bruxelles. It would be so sweet if I could arrive for his birthday on the 26th of this month. But would he be pleasantly surprised? Or am I just being insecure again. Is there a cure for insecurity? I read one place that you should make a list of your good qualities and read them out loud. But it is hard to think of good qualities when your ex tells you you are useless and a whole list of other negative things, you don't have a job, you can't make new friends, you don't have much money and your own friends and family are beginning to doubt you. And the more insecure I believe I am the more insecure I become. It seems to be a vicious circle.

My friend FD just gave me the site of another blog to check out. I just briefly looked at it tonight and it was written by a 26 year old female and the subject was male balls. And as gay man some of her questions are just as confusing to me. Do I like them big or small...I like variety. Smooth or hairy...hmmmm I like both. And do I like the feel of them banging various parts of my body...definitely yes. And if I was a runner...well yes I'd wear a jock or some of those spandex pants to keep everything in place. And yes girls when you get hit in the nuts, balls or bullocks it hurts like hell so that is why we treat them nicely..not because they are beautiful...because they're not! But right now I would love to be holding someone's in my hand now. Sweet dreams!

Panic and Fear

PANIC AND FEAR

Yes it has set in again. I had two interviews last week. One interview was horrible with the interviewer telling me to be successful as sales person I would have to lie, cheat and steal. The other went well but they were concerned I was too experienced and qualified...does that mean too old and they were worried I would leave if something better came along? This whole job hunting thing has got me so confused. I took a course but I guess I am not following their suggestions or I should be working now. Basically the course said that you will have more luck by who you know then what you know. I guess that is the unfair part of life , unless of course it works in your favour. In a year of job hunting I have had five interviews and two because someone I know had recommended me to the company. So I guess it is true, "it's not what you know but who you know" but then haven't I always known that?

Still struggling with my chat room addiction...well I guess it never was an addiction, but I have been avoiding it more lately, probably because I am the type that wants to believe everyone is honest and good, but that has not been my experience. There are some strange people out there that seem to get off on misleading people, but for what purpose? Guess I just have to be much more sceptical.

I haven't started to write my play yet even though I have noted the basic premise and I got some excellent feedback, suggestions and encouragement from my friend FD. She is a very loyal friend. Hey people send me your experiences or thoughts of sex in public toilets!!!

Had a call from PM Sunday. I was surprised as I had called him on Saturday. Sunday's talk was gentle and serious. It's nice knowing that someone actually wants to talk to me. I still have mixed feelings for him even though I know he just wants to be friends. I would love to go and visit him, but am not sure it is a good idea for me or that he even actually wants to see me, even if he did say I should come see his apartment in Bruxelles. It would be so sweet if I could arrive for his birthday on the 26th of this month. But would he be pleasantly surprised? Or am I just being insecure again. Is there a cure for insecurity? I read one place that you should make a list of your good qualities and read them out loud. But it is hard to think of good qualities when your ex tells you you are useless and a whole list of other negative things, you don't have a job, you can't make new friends, you don't have much money and your own friends and family are beginning to doubt you. And the more insecure I believe I am the more insecure I become. It seems to be a vicious circle.

My friend FD just gave me the site of another blog to check out. I just briefly looked at it tonight and it was written by a 26 year old female and the subject was male balls. And as gay man some of her questions are just as confusing to me. Do I like them big or small...I like variety. Smooth or hairy...hmmmm I like both. And do I like the feel of them banging various parts of my body...definitely yes. And if I was a runner...well yes I'd wear a jock or some of those spandex pants to keep everything in place. And yes girls when you get hit in the nuts, balls or bullocks it hurts like hell so that is why we treat them nicely..not because they are beautiful...because they're not! But right now I would love to be holding someone's in my hand now. Sweet dreams!

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GAY TOILET SEX AGAIN?

Hey guys and girls, don't you have any stories about sex in public toilets? I need some ideas for the play I am attempting to write. I sent my friend FD some of my preliminary ideas, she liked my initial ideas and made some valuable comments and suggestions. FD has a great imagination is an excellent writer and a good friend...I only wish distance didn't seperate us but that is life!

I had two interviews this week. The first one was absolutely horrible. It was local and was for a commisioned sales person with a national chain of stores. I came out of the interview feeling as if I had been physically assaulted. The guy interviewing me kept suggesting to be successful I would have to lie, cheat and steal and I am not ready for that! His line of questioning was very bizzare. I had read the company website before the interview and was bombarded with lines about trust, honour and fairness. Somewhere between the website and the interview all that was lost. I actually wrote a letter telling the guy to go shove his job, that I would not sink that low. I also sent a copy to the CEO of the company. I have heard back from the guy who interviewed me, basically saying he did all that to show me how tough commission sales is...but really...to go against my morals and ethics...that was too much. I will be curious to hear if the CEO responds to my comments.

The second interview was much better and more traditional. I first met with the Vice President who was concerned I was too qualified and expecting too much, but I told him I understood that the position was entry level and that I was looking for growth and opportunities. The actual interview with the supervisor was quite good and I hope to hear from the company in a few weeks. I got the interview as a friend of mine heard about the job through one of the salesmen she deals with. It seems to be a very good company to work for and is a highly respected and well known company. But I still have to deal with several issues including my age, apparently being over qualified and the fact that my recent references are out of the country which some people perceive as a problem. I will just have to keep my fingers crossed and wait.

My brother with MS had another episode of losing his cool again but this time on the phone. His ex wife phoned about something and he began threatening her that he would kidnap his own daughter so he could see her more often. But does he not realize that would only be a losing proposition. Of course all this upset my mother who is concerned not only for the welfare of my brother but of her granddaughter as well. My brother goes for another counciling session tomorrow, but what he actually discusses in these sessions may have nothing to do with these problems. I have come to the conclusion that all of this is not merely about the MS he is dealing with but that he has problems dealing with authority and believes he is always right. I feel the MS only adds to these problems.