How Stupid?

How stupid can I be? Just because P.M. phoned several times last week I was expecting a call today. He has not called yet and probably won't if he hasn't called by now. I guess I should know better, he has moved on, it is time I moved on. I guess we can ever only be friends now and I guess that is OK. Was just hoping for more but I guess I am a dreamer, I should be more of a realist. But than if I was a realist I probably wouldn't still be living, I would have given up on this life long ago. But somehow I dream it will get better and while it may not always live up to my dreams, it turns out not too bad. Falling for P.M. may have been the result of me rebounding from S.M. but I would still want P.M. regardless. I'd like to think I was over S.M. as well, but then hope springs eternal...someday, somewhere, somehow, I'd like to think it might be possible to have a relationship with P.M. or S.M. again. In the mean time I guess I just need to concentrate on getting my life in order and then other things should fall in place. It just seems to take so long and the older you get, the longer it seems. Growing old is not fun. And living with your parents at this age just emphasis the aging process...and it isn't something to look forward to.

There is the funny side of growing old. I am bald, but hair keeps wanting to grow on parts of my body where there never was hair...what a cruel joke of nature. Nose hair, back hair...and all I want is a full head of hair. My parents seem to produce more body gases than natural...is that what I have to look forward to? Walking becomes more difficult, the bones creek and the joints get stiff. And for some the process of change becomes more difficult. Wednesday I go to the optometrist, because it is time to admit I may need reading glasses. I have managed this many years without them but now I have to admit despite my sense of vanity that reading glasses might make reading easier and more comfortable. And I've reached that age where my doctor has made the prostate exam part of the physical examination. I keep thinking I am losing my short term memory, but in actuality I think my mind is pretty much the same. It is merely the fear that I am losing my memory. And I am not even 50 yet. When you live by yourself or with someone your own age...I guess you don't notice the aging process the same, but living with your parents it makes aging a reality. Will I have to go through all of that? And looking for a job, the first thought is not what kind of job will I find exciting, stimulating and fulfilling but what kind of benefits does the company offer. Are these legitimate concerns? Or should I just follow my heart instead. Or is it just because my parents who are about to retire are worrying about money, benefits and their future? Being a gay man lets you live a pretty selfish life. I have no one that I am responsible for except myself. I work for my own benefit not for my children or family. Is that what being gay is all about living a hedonistic and selfish life. I must admit I have enjoyed my life very much.

And did my relationship with S.M. break up because he was too selfish to share his life with mine? No I think S.M. thought I was using him, and he didn't believe I still loved him. I guess I am not an affectionate person all the time. I can understand S.M. being frustrated at that because he and I were both insecure types...and nothing is nicer for a insecure person than to have another person demonstrating their love for you constantly. But he never demonstrated that love to me in ways I wanted in the last few years and I guess we both ignored that need for reassurance in each other. I really wish we could have gone to counciling and gotten the opinion or suggestions of an unbiased person. S.M.'s friends in whom he confided never really liked me and saw me as the person who prevented him from spending more time with them. They all agreed with him quickly about dumping me. My friends on the other hand, all said to try and work things out. S.M.'s friends are no longer in touch with me, but my friends are still in touch with S.M. Am I really that bad a person? No I am a nice person perhaps just misunderstood. Wow I have really mattered on today..time to take a break and think about all this stuff!