FEAR!

I think this evening I just came to the realization that fear is holding me back..specifically fear of failure. When I got fired from my job at E&Y in BXL, it was very devastating for me. And to make matters worse, my partner S.M. practically accused me of getting fired on purpose but nothing could have been further from the truth. I was hired for the job on the spot on the basis that I had done an internship for E&Y while in school in BXL. The internship was a six month temporary position. They wanted me to stay on but I was not allowed to because of my immigration status. One of the manager's even tried to recruit me for the Paris office but again I was not eligible to work. For the internship it was more an administrative job and I got along well with everyone. When I was hired again it was doing tax returns specifically which I knew I would not like very much but took the job as I needed work and S.M. expected me to be working. I really did try to do well in the job but a number of circumstances were working against me. Firstly a temporary manager from the U.S. took an instant dislike to me, I was one of the last hired for the tax season and Belgian law allows anyone to be fired for no reason within six months of beginning a new job and finally because of my age, the union required me to be paid more than younger employees. All of these circumstances resulted in me being let go as well as the person hired after me, as extra help was not needed in the off season. S.M. was not supportive at all, he did not realize how devastated I was about losing the job. Even though I knew it was not the career for me, I wanted to work for a year or so to get a good reference and look for other work or to get transferred to a different department within E&Y. S.M. simply assumed I had got fired on purpose so I could mooch off him. How wrong he was.

And only today have I realized how much that incident has affected me. I am afraid to try for jobs that I don't feel I have 100% of the qualifications for, in case I might fail again. But would failing be so bad, the important thing is to try. I am a good worker, hard working, loyal, interested in learning new things, interested in looking at new methods of doing things, good at working with people and being innovative. I could be an asset to so many companies. I am a great employee. People like working with me, so I must project that. I must try for jobs I know I could do well even if I do not meet 100% of the posted requirements.

A boss once told me that I am my own worst enemy. He said it in reference to not being able to promote myself, not being confident in knowing or showing that I can do things. I must overcome that, I must "blow my own horn." Any company should consider hiring me an asset of immense proportions for their company. I should not be afraid to go out on a limb and try new things. I can succeed. I can do a great job. I can be an excellent company asset. I will succeed.

This thought process must also be employed in my social life. I put myself down. I tend to emphasis my negative traits. And while it is important to be aware of those negative traits so that I can effectively deal with them and make compensation, I must project my positive traits. I am a good person. I am a nice person. I am a kind person. I am a good friend. I am a loyal friend. I am a thoughtful person. I am an interesting person. I am honest and sincere. Anyone would be privileged to call me a friend. Yes I am a terrific person!

PS. Yesterday I was very down, probably because I haven't heard from P.M. in almost a week, no e-mails, no phone calls. I just don't understand it, perhaps he is busy, but he could find time to write or make a brief phone call. Perhaps I still confuse him as much as he confuses me?