Rambling!

I checked my friend F.D.'s blog today. I just returned from Toronto and finally have great access to the internet again. I was so impressed with F.D.'s postings. She is an amazing writer and although I have known her for about 11 years, I am learning so much more about her through her blog. It feels a bit personal but I guess I am just learning all the details that we seemed to omit in the past.

My blog on the other hand tends to be quite rambling. I write in the manner which I speak or think. Not exactly perfect English!
But I do hope it is serving a purpose and giving me an outlet for my thoughts.

Have been quite down lately about the whole job thing. It is bad enough I have self-esteem issues and this aint helping! Maybe my ex S.M. was right, I am a waste of space! I guess I just have to prove him wrong, but will I have the strength to do it...can I make it...do I have any other choice? It seems I have never been able to be myself all of my life and it is the same again. I find I omit things on my Resume or C.V. as I think I am over educated for the type of job I want or that I lack the experience for the type of education. Will I ever be able to be myself....maybe if I just am myself people will accept me?

I got a call from P.M. today, what a great way to start my day. I always enjoy our talks. He helped me make it through some very difficult times and I wish that fate would have allowed us to live in the same city for a bit longer so that we could have further developed our friendship. I jokingly said to him that he was my Prozac, but in all honesty he probably is!

Is my problem that I don't know when to let go? I had a hard time letting go of my ex. While I am over him, I do feel that I could easily fall for him again. And P.M., while I am over him to a certain extent but the dreamer in me still hopes! Is that why I have a difficult time making friends because I scare them away because I get involved too quickly and hold on? Maybe.

Yes a serious of rambles tonight, but then this is what makes this blog cathartic for me. I guess you have to be a member of blogger to be able to find my blog or have me tell you the address. I guess there are so many blogs on the net that mine has not attracted any attention...oh well...for me it serves a purpose!

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The Ring!

No I don't mean Wagner's Ring Cycle or Tolkein's Lord of the Ring trilogy. It was Monday May 17th at about 4:30PM on the westbound line of the Bloor-Danforth subway line. I was sitting in the last carriage of the train on my way to High Park, the stop where I was staying. There was a young guy in his early twenties, blonde, very English school-boy look, grey flannel trousers, blue blazer with a white shirt, very wrinkled, not quite white anymore...a bit grey and dingy, untucked hanging over his trousers and he was playing with a silver ring on his left hand. He wore it on his index finger.
He seemed quite anxious and kept checking his mobile phone, perhaps for a signal or a missed call, a text message or waiting impatiently for a phone call. He was sitting, then standing then sitting when he took of the ring and tossed it on the seat beside him then picked it up and threw it under his seat and onto the floor.

What was going through this guy's head? Had he just broken up with someone or had someone just dumped him? A ring can be a symbol of commitment, friendship, marriage or token of how much someone means to us. But now for this young man this relationship was over! But throwing away the ring...an inexpensive silver ring was his way of admitting it was the end of something!

My boyfriend did the same to me. S.M. and I had exchanged rings twice. Once in San Francisco in the Paris Cafe, I gave him a simple gold band and bought one for myself. It was a symbol of our relationship. He lost that ring a few years later when he was visiting a rest stop in BXL looking for sex with a guy. He removed it because he thought they might think he was married and straight and not interested in a blow job. He dropped the ring and searched for it...but could not find it. I was in a class at the time. He told me about it that evening. I was not too upset...I was more upset about the fact he thought he had to take off the ring! As if a man who is giving a blow job cares if you are married or not! The second time we bought rings was in Greece on the island of Mykonos. We bought very nice silver rings from a local artist in a nice jewelry store. I did not wear mine all the time as it was quite thick and I was always catching it on things. S.M. wore his constantly. That is until he decided our relationship was over..and he removed it...and he probably threw it away as well...I was out of his life!

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Self esteem again!

Have been having fun with my friend S.B., showing him a bit of Toronto and just catching up on things. We have been out every night. Last night we went to a baseball game, I had never been to a professional game and he had never seen baseball played before. We only stayed for half the game and then went out to dinner. Afterwards we went to Woody's for a drink.

Saturday we went out and he met a guy he went home with. Sunday we went out and had a great time dancing, but as we decided to leave S.B. got all down because he felt no guys had noticed him...he said he just wanted to kiss someone. But he really was down. All of it tied to self-esteem I guess. The thought that if no one notices you...you must not be good enough. He will have to wait until he is my age when people start noticing you s less frequently or so it seems. But S.B. already has a sort of boyfriend back in London,UK and is just having some fun here...but the minute he didn't get paid attention he got down. Of course I can relate to this but I guess with age we learn to shrug off such things. After all you can't meet someone everyday! Or can you? I guess we all have self-esteem issues...it just manifests itself differently in each of us...God knows I have enough self-esteem issues to fill a stadium!

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Friends!
Friday, my friend S.B. arrived and it was great to see him again. He arrived quite late but wanted to go out for a drink. so at about 12:45 we went to Woody's on Church St., in Toronto. Friday I also got a call from P.M., he seemed to be "en forme" and it was like talking to the old P.M. We flirted and got caught up on things he even asked for a picture of my cock???? Will I ever understand him? The phone call sure put me in a good mood! I hope to talk to him again later today!
Saturday I took S.B. to St.Lawrence Market and the Eaton Centre until he got a phone call from his cousin where he was to stay. We had to go off to meet him to pick up the keys to the apartment and S.B. got all the tips of Toronto from his Brazilian cousin. We then had lunch at a Portuguese/Brazilian restaurant in Little Portugal. It was a modest place called Star Restaurant but the food was good and hearty and the dessert a type of creme caramel was great. Last night we went out to several bars on Church Street and ended up at Zippers which has a dance floor. We did quite a bit of dancing and S.B. met a nice guy called Steve. They drove me home despite me saying I could take a taxi. Still have not heard from S.B. yet but I am sure he must be having fun! Looks like he might have a playmate for his visit. I am hoping to find some fun today as well and will shortly be calling a guy who is interested in hooking-up. It started out a grey, wet and foggy morning but the sun is starting to shine and will soon be become very muggy. I imagine we will be going out again this evening as Monday is a holiday so no excuse for people not to have an extra day of fun for the weekend. Maybe I can meet a nice guy this evening! Details to follow!

Questions or comments? lifestuffblog@yahoo.ca

Anyone Home?

I was hoping to get some feedback on my thoughts...but I guess no one has discovered my blog yet! Yesterday was a down day. I am really disappointed with P.M. He is the guy I met before I left BXL and I fell in love with him but he did not fall in love with me although he was physically and mentally attracted to me. We have talked on the telephone for hours about everything. But several weeks ago he met a new guy, Olivier. Olivier is in love with P.M. but P.M. sees him as a guy with similar interests, a fun guy to be with and a good friend...although they do occasionally sleep together P.M. says he is not sexually attracted to the guy. But the way P.M. talks to me about him, I believe P.M. will fall in love.

I just wanted P.M. to be a good friend but lately I feel he is ignoring me and that I was just a passing thing for him. I have a hard time making friends, either I rush into something with people because I really like them and scare them away or the other person seems to tire of me and move on. I am a nice guy, a smart guy, good natured, fun loving...perhpas not the most handsome man but a very loyal friend. And perhaps that is my downfall as I expect friends to have the same loyalty for me but they don't always seem to and that disappoints me. I guess perhaps I expect too much, need to lower my expectations and accept people as they are.

On a good note a friend from London, UK, S.B. arrives today. It will be great to see him especially as he seems to really want to see me. We had a brief thing and became quite good friends. He is a smart, hardworking, handsome man and I admire him very much. And he is always encouraging but practical when we speak, he is much wiser than his years. Unfortunately the weekend ahead is forecast to be a bit wet, but I am sure we can pass the time with lots of conversation. It should be a great week!

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Disheartening!

I am really getting down about not finding a job...if I had a self esteem issue before it is getting worse and rapidly. Whey you apply for jobs online you get no response and when you go in person to fill out an application they say, "we're not hiring." Is it just the economy, is it my age, is it because I have no recent local work experience or is it because I have had no permanent jobs in the last 10 years. Probably a combination of all these things. Ever since I arrived back in Canada I have had a knot in my stomach. I am over educated and under experienced. Yes I have all these transferable skills but companies also want experience. Maybe the dream of living and working in Toronto will not be realized immediately. The market is competitive and I don't have the necessary skills and experience to get my foot in the door. Perhaps I should start in London, Ontario. Although it is not what I want...but perhaps a place to start. At least I have enjoyed my life thus far...I have had a good life and if I never get a good job again and never have money to do any of the things I dream about, I will have my memories. Do I need to re-evaluate my dreams. Surely you should not give up on your dreams!

Questions or comments/ lifestuffblog@yahoo.ca

Toronto,
Arrived yesterday in Toronto. Had a nice meal and chat with C.S. the friend I am staying with. He is a great guy and a great cook. Last night I met a guy called Paul, a very nice guy and great in the sack too. Have been job hunting today but very discouraging...no one seems to be hiring now...but they accept applications. They expect to hire in three months time...can I wait? Very discouraging news...what to do now? More details later when I can get proper internet access. P.M. is not in much contact, I think he is in love dispite what he says!

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Unrequited Love!

Had a phone conversation with P.M. of BXL, he is a guy I fell in love with before I left to return to Canada. He is the nicest guy but he had no romantic feelings for me although I think he just would not admit to them as he knew I was leaving BXL. We used to talk almost everyday on the phone, but he is seeing someone at the moment. That person O is in love with him, but he does not feel the same way. They spend all there time together and sleep with each other but P.M. says O does nothing for him sexually. At least P.M. enjoyed sex with me. But I really do believe P.M. is in love with O, he just won't let himself admit it. It is his built in defense mechanism and I truly believe he used that with me as well. If I lived in the same country I would be fighting for P.M. But as I realize there will be nothing between us I hope he finds love. He is a super guy and he deserves it.

Packed tonight as I leave for Toronto tomorrow. A combination of pleasure and job seeking. S.B. a friend I met in London,U.K. is coming to Toronto on Friday. It will be great to see him again. I miss my friends from Europe. He is a fun loving guy and the visit will be great. In fact tonight he asked me to go with him to Brazil at Christmas as he is originally from Brazil. I really would love to go but will have to see what transpires in the job department. While off to bed now and Toronto tomorrow.

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SEX!
Did that get your attention? Tonight I went to a gay bath house in London, Ontario. Between, 10:OOPM and 10:15PM I met a young guy called Chad, all of about 23. Does that make me a father figure? Anyway we had sex and it was fantastic, the best most passionate I have had in some time. And Chad was a very handsome, fit and talented guy, not to mention extremely polite. I don't know why Chad chose me but thank you Chad...it was his first visit to a bath house. I didn't ask for his contact details but it would be nice to run into him again and have another session and this time Chad we can reverse the roles!!! Chad if you read this blog...send me an email, please!!!

For a person with self-esteem issues...when a hot young guy wants to have sex with you...it is a real ego boost. But I guess that just perpetuates the problem. I want sex not only because it feels fantastic but because to find someone you are attracted to and that is attracted to you...it makes you feel very good about yourself.

About gay bath houses or saunas, I don't know if you know what they are; so I shall explain. They exist in almost ever city of any size in the entire world. It is a place where men who want to have sex with men go. There are locker rooms where you put your clothes and then wear a towel around your waste. Most have a sauna, steam room and a hot tub. Some have bars, restaurants, gyms, swimming pools, an internet lounge and TV lounges. And all have cubicles or rooms that are just big enough for a mattress for the purpose of having sex. A very convenient place to find a partner if only temporarily and it it does satisfy a basic human need. Some guys have never been and some will never admit to going, but I don't think there is any shame in the concept and in fact in some countries such as Holland and Belgium, to mention but two, include heterosexual clubs for the same purpose. It is a practical and convenient solution.

That was my evening...fun but not significant.

Questions or Comments? lifestuffblog@yahoo.ca

Today...I sent off a birthday card to my ex S.M. I don't think I am angry anymore...I just want to be friends again...but is that possible being some 3,000 miles apart or does he even want that? I guess the distance thing can be handled it depends on what S.M. wants? He thinks I am trying to make him feel guilty for dumping me but what good would that do..there is not a hope in hell he would ever want me back as a lover. He sees me as manipulative, dominating and a user. Of course I dispute all those names. I became the same person as his first ex in his eyes...but then again that ex did not want to leave and S.M. actually moved out into another apartment in BXL until his ex decided S.M. was serious and the guy returned to England. I at least left without mush of a fight..I wanted to fight but S.M. asked me not to because he said I would break him down until he agreed to let me stay. He also offered me some money to leave...money I could have really used and still could as my search for a job approaches a year, but I wanted him to know I wasn't with him because of the money...it was because I loved him and if I took the money he would never believe that. Oh what a mess I got myself into.

On a lighter note, today it was almost 90'F or 32'C here today, unusually warm for May. I just finished eating half a pint of Hagen Daz ice cream...very good but watch out diet...tomorrow only water!!!

Questions or comments? lifestuffblog@yahoo.ca
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So where did I leave off? Oh yes S.M. had come to visit me in London, Ontario Canada. We had a super week together and I fell in love! We wrote letters (Yes only 12 years ago email was not so common!) and phoned each other frequently. We soon planned another meeting...and the long distance affair began. We managed to see each other about every 6 to 8 weeks. Sometimes we would meet in other places such as Miami, New York or San Fanciso, but S.M. came to London, Canada quite oftenas he had more vacation time. Of course I visited Brussels as well. After a few years of this we decided it would be better to live together. I applied to school in BXL as a means of getting into the country. I studied for an MBA in BXL over two years and by the time the course was finished it was possible for S.M. to sponsor me as his partner.

But I had difficulty finding work because I only spoke English and then I got very sick..so sick they thought I might not make it but I did and that was another whole year gone. I had a few jobs but only six month stints. I guess S.M. was really frustrated at me for not finding work but I did not realize how much as he tended to keep his feelings to himself. Sometime over our relationship he had bought an apartment in BXL and a small flat in London. We used to travel often and visitied London often as we had a flat where we could stay. Because I wasn't working I usually went to London a few days earlier and stayed a few days later(Someone had to clean, take care of odd jobs and stock the fidge!)...I spent about a week a month in London. S.M. thought I was enjoying his money at his expense. But I really did want to work...I was just lost about how to go about it and every time I asked for his help (Because of language issues involved in looking for work.) he got so frustrated and went on about how busy he was...I got frustrated as well. Well, anyway I met this guy in London, UK and we hooked-up about six times in six months. He was a nice guy and he paid attention to me. He wouldn't have sex all the time and sometimes we just met for a drink or dinner. This guy S.B. eventually found a boyfriend in London, UK. But we still exchanged emails and text messages and phone calls.

In the past S.M. and I had created an email address to stay in contact with friends and family while traveling, we both shared the password. While as email became more common I took over this account but never changed the password. You guessed it... S.M. started reading my emails but because he was afraid I would try to log on...never seemed to read whole emails and extracted from them what he wanted. Any way he used to read messages from S.B. who being Latin and very friendly always addressed his letters as "hello darling!" This caused S.M. to suspect me and S.B. of having an affair, but it was long over by the time he found out. He confronted me about it via text messages while I was with a visiting Canadian friend in Amsterdam for a few days. He called me back to BXL. We had a long discussion and agreed to work on things. But I had a trip scheduled back to Canada for holidays with my family. He asked me to postpone it but because my mother had planned a big family get together, I said no. What a fool I was!

Questions, comments? funguy4others@yahoo.com

So more about myself(J.M.). I am 47 years old, unemployed and single and living at home with my parents...how sad is that? How did I get myself into this mess...well it all started with love! I met a guy almost 12 years ago while I was visiting London, England....I lived in London, Ontario, Canada at the time, London to London! We met walking in Covent Garden. We glanced at each other as we passed then we both looked back. He followed me into the Covent Garden General Store (no longer there now M&S). Finally we talked and decided to go for coffee at Cranks in Leicester Square (no longer there). We had a nice chat and exchanged phone numbers, as I had to meet a friend soon. His name was S.M. S.M. called the next day and we arranged to meet for dinner the next night. We went to a place called the Pasta House or something on Brompton Road in Kennsington (now I think it is a coffee bar now, Cafe Nero)! We had a nice meal, some wine and great conversation. We talked as we left the bar, he was involved with someone casually,and I lived with someone who was terminally ill. We talked about sex and how gays could just have sex without it meaning too much. We went back to my friend’s (P.P.) flat where I was staying in Earl's Court and had a really nice time. So nice I did not hear the doorbell ring and it was my friend wondering if it was safe to come in, when I did not answer he went away and came back later. S.M. lived in Brussels but was English, he was going back to Brussels the next day and called, we met to say goodbye. We went for a walk in Brompton Cemetery. We found a secluded bench and held hands and had sweet talk. He was dressed in this suit he had bought at M&S, which would have looked great on a foxhunt, but he was still sexy! He called me the next day from Brussels and said he would like to come visit me in Canada when I returned. Wow, that was fast. It was the beginning of an 11-year relationship.

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Blog Beginnings

Today I created a blog and this is my first entry. Why am I doing this? Because I sometimes like to write when things are on my mind and this seems a good option. Perhaps I will meet similar people with similar interests or other people with different interest, or just intereting people. Perhaps by writing I can work through my personal issues. And perhaps this format will make me more disciplined and encourage me to write. I guess I should talk about myself but I will do that in the next entry. Just trying to make it through the initial process for the moment!