Panic and Fear

Yes it has set in again. I had two interviews last week. One interview was horrible with the interviewer telling me to be successful as sales person I would have to lie, cheat and steal. The other went well but they were concerned I was too experienced and qualified...does that mean too old and they were worried I would leave if something better came along? This whole job hunting thing has got me so confused. I took a course but I guess I am not following their suggestions or I should be working now. Basically the course said that you will have more luck by who you know then what you know. I guess that is the unfair part of life , unless of course it works in your favour. In a year of job hunting I have had five interviews and two because someone I know had recommended me to the company. So I guess it is true, "it's not what you know but who you know" but then haven't I always known that?

Still struggling with my chat room addiction...well I guess it never was an addiction, but I have been avoiding it more lately, probably because I am the type that wants to believe everyone is honest and good, but that has not been my experience. There are some strange people out there that seem to get off on misleading people, but for what purpose? Guess I just have to be much more sceptical.

I haven't started to write my play yet even though I have noted the basic premise and I got some excellent feedback, suggestions and encouragement from my friend FD. She is a very loyal friend. Hey people send me your experiences or thoughts of sex in public toilets!!!

Had a call from PM Sunday. I was surprised as I had called him on Saturday. Sunday's talk was gentle and serious. It's nice knowing that someone actually wants to talk to me. I still have mixed feelings for him even though I know he just wants to be friends. I would love to go and visit him, but am not sure it is a good idea for me or that he even actually wants to see me, even if he did say I should come see his apartment in Bruxelles. It would be so sweet if I could arrive for his birthday on the 26th of this month. But would he be pleasantly surprised? Or am I just being insecure again. Is there a cure for insecurity? I read one place that you should make a list of your good qualities and read them out loud. But it is hard to think of good qualities when your ex tells you you are useless and a whole list of other negative things, you don't have a job, you can't make new friends, you don't have much money and your own friends and family are beginning to doubt you. And the more insecure I believe I am the more insecure I become. It seems to be a vicious circle.

My friend FD just gave me the site of another blog to check out. I just briefly looked at it tonight and it was written by a 26 year old female and the subject was male balls. And as gay man some of her questions are just as confusing to me. Do I like them big or small...I like variety. Smooth or hairy...hmmmm I like both. And do I like the feel of them banging various parts of my body...definitely yes. And if I was a runner...well yes I'd wear a jock or some of those spandex pants to keep everything in place. And yes girls when you get hit in the nuts, balls or bullocks it hurts like hell so that is why we treat them nicely..not because they are beautiful...because they're not! But right now I would love to be holding someone's in my hand now. Sweet dreams!