POST TORONTO

Today has been a tough day. I am suffering the affects of post Toronto blues. From being in Toronto as my own person enjoying life to coming home to a small town living with my parents. I made the wrong decision to move back home after leaving Europe but I did it out of fear. I had no job and only savings to survive. I knew I would not be happy in this small town but chose the safe option. My instinct was to move directly to Toronto but how do you do that afte rliving in another country for eight years. I have no credit rating here, which you need to sign a lease, I had very little savings to pay for rent while I job hunt or to pay for food and necessities. Perhaps it is my age, the older you get, you become more cautious or is that just me. I guess I have to do something soon, but what? I guess find any job I can in the neighbouring larger city. But then I still have to worry about how I can commute there while I save money for the lease on an apartment. Shit I seem to keep myself in this hole with negative thoughts. Help, help, help, someone help me! But perhaps this is my test in life, to get myself out of this place mentally and physically. It is a struggle that seems to never end and one I thought I would never have to face. In this western society we are so brainwashed about saving for the future and your retirement. But at what expense; by not enjoying life for the moment. And who knows how long we have here on earth? Yes I did/do have some savings, my emergency back to Canada fund is gone, the down payment for my own place is gone, next will be my retirement savings, them my very small pension savings and then my stocks etc. Gosh when I put it on paper I don't seem so bad but it is the unkown that is scarey. But at the sake of worrying about the future I am not living the present. JUST FUCKING DO IT!!!!

I had an MSN Messenger conversation with both PM and SM today. PM is such a wise man, the more I know him the more I respect and admire him. He lives life for the moment but at the same time is kind and considerate towards his family and friends. He is enjoying life. And although considerably younger than me seems to have his shit together. PM thank you for all your support, I miss you. SM was politely saying hi today out of guilt for neglecting me I suspect. But at least he said hello. It still hurts like hell to have lost my best friend. I even tried to ask him some personal questions today without appearing rude but with a sense of genuine interests which is the reason I did ask. My mother was asking about using his flat in London so I cautiously asked SM if she could use his flat if it was empty. He said yes and seemed very sincere. Maybe we have both got passed the stage of blaming each other? I do hope that at some stage in the future we can again be good friends.

OK JOE, now get your fucking shit together...change tactics....do something....take a risk...start living...don't be afraid to fail...become stronger...become a better person....become something, anything....