DOWN DAY

Today has been a very down day, I am feeling sorry for myself. I feel all alone today. I feel I have no friends. To console myself I eat, not because I am hungry but because it makes me feel good. I have a very hard time making friends. I seem to find it difficult becoming friends with people. I guess I feel an attraction to people very quickly and if that is not reciprocated I feel that the other person does not like me. But in reality I know friendships take time to develop. I would love to have a few friends I could call when I feel like talking or someone I could call to go to a movie or out for a drink. But I am so insecure I feel I can't do that, I feel that people should phone and ask me, if I do, I fear rejection. Even if the rejection is for a legitimate reason such as prior plans. I guess I am afraid that people won't or don't like me which is silly as everyone is not going to like me, I don't like every person I meet and I certainly don't bond or connect with people on the first meeting all the time! I feel like I am 14 again. When I was in high school living in the country, a time when I knew I was different from all my other friends and their was no one else like me around, a very lonely time in my life. Here I am today feeling exactly the same. I am a middle age man, I should have a career, I should have some good friends around me, I should have a nest egg for my future, I should have a home of my own, and I should have a significant other in my life. I have none of this. Because of my situation I feel others are laughing at me, I feel like a failure, I am an outsider! It makes me more insecure. I wonder why anyone would want to be around me, what could I possibly offer others? I know making friends takes time and effort, but I get so frustrated when I make the effort and nothing evolves from it. Perhaps my social skills are poor or perhaps people sense my insecurity and my negative energy so they prefer not to spend time with me? At my age I should have this all figured out...my life seems such a disaster....will I ever get back on track....I only seem to be able to make a mess of things.....

I had my dose of Prozac tonight with a few minutes of chat with P tonight on MSN messenger. Why do I feel so at ease with him, do we see life in a similar way or do we share common feelings and experiences? Don't analyze it just accept it as a very special friendship, one to enjoy and hold on to!