LISTEN TO THE WISE

I had a restless night last night. I tossed and turned for hours, not the first time in the last few years but certainly the first time in the last few months I could not sleep. Yesterday I was quite down after having gotten back from Toronto. Then I spoke to Am, PM and SM. All are concerned about me but SM is afraid to say anything. PM on the other hand has this ability to say things to me that if from a stranger I would become defensive but he has this manner in which he can say the truth and yet it does not feels like criticism. He told me that I hadn't really been living life for the last few years even begininig in BXL which is true and that I should be out of my parent's house, which is true and that I need to take some chances which is also true. I guess wisdom does not always come with age. The man is ten years younger than me and ten years wiser. I guess he went through some turbulent times a number of years ago and unlike me has gained a great deal of knowledge and wisdom from the experience. I guess the only difference is that I do not have a job or have had a permanent full time job in several years where he has had employment continually. And as I am older I guess I am conditioned to lessen my risks not take more, but what do I really have to lose? I am in a situation I hate, I am embarassed for myself, I have no self esteem and I am not enjoying life, could it get any worse? PM of course you are right, but will I find the courage to do what I need to do? PM your friends are lucky, you are an understanding and caring individual. Someone who respects his friends, supports his friends and is their for them. How lucky your friends are PM.

I feel all alone here, of course physically I am not but mentally I don't have any such connection with my friends. Perhaps they are treating me cautiously as they are afraid to hurt my feelings or are unsure of my sometimes fragile state(although I can hide fragility well). But I guess I need to hear the truth, it will probabaly make me a stronger and better person. For some reason it seems easy for me to see other people's strengths but when it comes to myself I only see weaknesses. Have I always been this way or did I let myself slip into this hole? The downward slide started when I got fired from the job at E&Y. SM practically accused me of purpusely trying to get fired. In fact I tried every avenue not to get fired, but as he was away on business for two months when this was occuring he never new my real anguish and the sleepless nights that business caused. Losing the job was very bad for my self esteem and being in a city surrounded by very intelligent people or at least people who felt they were intellictually superior made me feel even worse. Yes perhaps I could only speak one language and they could speak several, yes perhaps I did not attend schools of the same calibre as them, and I didn't know anythig about opera or lierature, and they thought I was the ignorant North American, but at least I had common sense, could balance a check book, I new more about financial matters and I have great taste and I did not work for the great bureacracy's in which it was easy to slip into the no need to strive to be the best to get ahead mode. But at the time I let my self feel inferior to them and my slide down into the hole continued quickly. In a land where I could not speak the official languages searching for work became difficult and in fact I was not even sure how to go about the search or who to turn to for help. So to make myself feel better I believed I was important being the perfect partner, host and household manager but in reality that was all a facade. And perhaps that is my greatest weakness presenting a facade to fool all but the closest of friends and I am probably still doing that. Afraid to admit my real situation and my real feelings. There are so many things I would like to do if I had the money but now I let the fear of failure, my age phobia and fear of the unknown stop me. I wish knewing the problem was enough to overcome the problem!