TEARS

I guess noone likes rejection, but most people move on. I seem not to move on or I do it very slowly. I guess the ultimate rejection was by S.M. I loved him and in many ways still love him. I desperately wanted to hold onto him, but I didn’t fight because I knew he doesn’t like a fight. I hope we could be friends and I tried to maintain contact, but it hasn’t worked. Once in a while we have very pleasant, polite conversation but it is not the talk of friends but of mere acquaintances that for whatever reason, perhaps because of common friends, feel they should maintain contact. I hate this…I just want to be able to talk to him again…laugh with him again...feel comfortable with him again. But I must realize that is not going to happen, I have to let him go…if he does not want to know me that is his loss…I am a nice person. But sometimes I still cry.

P.M…you came into my life at a turbulent time….you taught me so much….and I held you too tightly. You always kept your distance, you always knew what you wanted…and I was not it. But thank you for being my friend. I know I don’t always get to talk to you as much as I want..but at least you keep the lines of communication open..and we have a genuine friendship. I’d love to see you again some day…I just hope we can maintain the friendship. But sometimes I still cry.

F.D….we have our periods of close times. Before I left BXL we had some of the best quality times. When you were posted in Italy for a year…we talked often on the phone and confided in each other. Now you are back home and have a family, a job, and a career and research so we speak less frequently. But I know when we get together or when we talk, it will be like old times. And lets go to the cinema….I’ll pick-up the Leonidias, and we’ll meet at the Pizza Hut first for dinner! And you never made me cry…but you did let me cry when I needed to.

J.C…..what can I say?…I have known you for 25 years. We didn’t start out as best friends..but I have to say you soon became my best female friend. We can go long periods of time without speaking…but when we do finally connect, we just seem to pick-up where we last left off and I know I can always call you when I need to unload. You only made me cry once, on your wedding day…cause I was selfish and knew I no longer was your best male friend….but I soon realized you would still have room for me in your life.

C.B….the newest person to enter my life…and at the moment the most confusing. Should I give him up…something I am not good at…I hate saying goodbye especially when a person becomes important to me. You’ve made me feel good about myself after a long period where I only felt rejection. I don’t know where our relationship will go or if it will even go anywhere? I probably shouldn’t even see you at all except as a friend…but I find you simply irresistible at the moment. I am trying to maintain some distance..but it is hard…and sometimes I cry because I know it will probably never be.