PATHETIC


Yes, that is me today…pathetic! I am sitting in front of the PC and suddenly I start feeling sorry for myself. I was talking to a friend in London and I find myself trying to get him to feel sorry for me…how sad is that? I do it because I am so lonely…but not lonely because I am alone..it is more my state of mind. I am just in a bad place at the moment and either I am not trying hard enough or I have to believe all those things people said about me that were unkind and hurtful. Maybe I really am of no use to anyone, perhaps I am not capable of holding down a job, perhaps I do not treat others correctly, perhaps I am manipulative and perhaps I am selfish. Unfortunately I am too intelligent to really believe all that...but there are moments like right now when I sit in front of the PC with tears running down my cheeks…that I just feel so helpless and hopeless. I do know that eventually my time will come but perhaps it is me that is holding it all back; delaying it or stopping it from happening. Perhaps I do control my own destiny…and for some reason my subconscious wants me to waste away alone? Perhaps I do need professional help? But in all likelihood, tomorrow will be a new day and I will feel completely different. A good bitch and a good cry can be therapeutic…or so I must believe!