THE TRIGGER


How can one such simple email trigger such a response? The email today was from my ex and his polite and political correct way of wishing me a Happy New Year. FUCK HIM!!! Why does he want to stay in touch? When he said he was leaving me, he said things to me that were so hurtful why would he want to remain friends if he believed what he said? He was also well aware of my problem with low self esteem...but with his words he made sure my self esteem would remain low, perhaps for the rest of my life. Perhaps he doesn’t care about me…he is just conditioned to do such politically correct things. But the bigger question is why do I still care so much for him? Why can’t I just be so angry with him that I want him out of my life forever? Because I still love him??? I can’t seem to let go of those feelings and the emotional attachment. Would it be easier to deal with all this if I had a job, if I had a life, if there was someone still in my life? Who knows…perhaps I am just hanging on to a past that was good despite ending in such a hurtful way because it is better than my present situation? How do I move on?

I wanted to eat all day today…not because of hunger…but because eating makes me feel good…it reminds me of the meals my Grandmother made...it reminds me of the special times spent over a meal with friends. Typically dinning has been a time when I am having fun. I eat to try to regain that feeling but what I am really doing is feeding my body with empty calories. But momentarily I feel good although that is replaced with guilt. I understand why people turn to drugs or alcohol, they can take them to get to another place or another set of feelings. If someone offered me drugs know I would be tempted to say yes, despite my fear of losing control of myself or fears of becoming addicted. The possibility of escaping from this bad mental place right now is very appealing.

I have been asked to go to a New Year’s Day Levee by a fairly new friend I have known for several months. But again I hesitate, I am afraid. But why am I afraid. I know the reasons why…self esteem issues. Why do I want to go to a party where people are intelligent, creative, interesting and successful? In the banter of the party, I would reveal that, I am unemployed, not creative, not so interesting, that I have an average IQ and that I am unsuccessful. The celebration would not be a celebration in my eyes…just more reasons to feel down about myself. But I suppose there are positive aspects I should consider such as meeting intelligent, creative, interesting and successful people and perhaps even some useful contacts. But can I get over that fear of it all making me feel bad?

To move forward do I just blank out the last 12 years? Surely that cannot be the right answer. How do I stop letting such trivial things trigger these debilitating reactions? Closet shrinks; step up to the table with your advice.

I want friends I can speak to about all these thoughts, but who. They would have to be very patient to put up with my shit. Most people have enough problems of their own….I am merely being selfish expecting friends to be so understanding. So here I am alone again. Trying not to let my thoughts eat away at me.