ANGRY!

I am so angry today with my ex, but I should be over that. It has occupied my mind all day today. Why does he ignore me, why does he not want anything to do with me? Of course I could better accept this if he told me this is what he wants no more contact but he said he wanted to maintain contact and stay friends. But a year and a half on…a handful of emails, two postcards…that I asked for and one phone call…I guess I must accept the fact that the person I once considered my best friend and lover wants nothing more to do with me. He made it all seem as if it was my fault when in reality it was both of us. At least I face most of my problems, he ignores them or runs away from them.

He has become the person he hates most his stepmother. I am sorry his mother died when he was so young and I am sorry he had a horrible stepmother, but instead of admitting he resents her he pretends all is fine and just ignores her as much as possible except on her birthday and Christmas. He used to deal with her more when his Father was alive but now that he has died, he can ignore her more often. He has never dealt with his past and is not doing it now. Of course he is not the only one responsible for the break-up of our relationship but he chose not to deal with the issues and problems at the time but instead to run away from them. He only told me to leave once he knew he was being transferred to another city with his job. His previous relationship, he walked out and rented another apartment in the same city to avoid him. He does not believe broken things can be fixed. If an appliance or automobile was not working properly his first reaction was to get a new car or TV or stereo. And in relationships, while perhaps he did not look for a new partner he walked away because he believed they could not be fixed.

While with him I let my self-esteem fall to an all time low and I have not got my self-esteem back. I never felt he believed in me or that he defended me. He agreed with all his friends that I was an opinionated, ignorant person from the backward colonies. I desperately wanted his help to do my job search, but all he saw was a lazy ass…sponging off him. I became a liability that had no value to him at all. Even in sex he demanded I service him, he said it was a joke, but it never felt that way to me. He accused me of dominating him but he controlled almost everything. Yes I was verbal and he came from a family that never raised their voices or argued so I can understand why he may have found my behaviour in that regard different. He accused me of causing his weight gain, his depression, and his high blood pressure but today he still has those problems so he will have to take some of the blame for those conditions himself.

Yes I did betray him, but he shut me out of his life emotionally…I turned to others for the emotional side of the relationship he did not want to give me. I suppose he was protecting himself from getting hurt. That is probably why he never showed emotion when he ended the relationship and he said there was to be no discussion about it! Unemployed and with no money I had no choice but to accept his orders. But he assured me we would remain friends…well I doubt that will ever be the case.

I am so angry, I want to call and tell him all of this, but what good would it do, it would only upset him and push him further away. He chooses not to deal with the difficult situations of life but I hope he finds what he wants, but he must learn, that it is not easy you have to work for a good relationship and for a good life!