REVELATION

I started to cry again tonight…but for the first time in over two years it was because I realized I was OK. I had spoken to several friends on MSN in London and to PM (Thanks for believing in me PM!) on the phone today and I had lunch with two of my brothers. I also chatted with a couple friends on MSN who actually enjoy my company and spending some time with me. I have spent so much of the last eight years feeling bad about myself. Society had made me feel worthless, as I was unable to find work and my partner at the time only re-enforced those ideas and I let myself believe I was worthless, ignorant and lazy. When my partner dumped me I was devastated because once again it just re-enforced the fact that I was worthless and a waste of space. And the strange thing was my partner had told me he knew I had a self-esteem problem and that he even thought I was clinically depressed yet his solution was to tell me to leave..get out of his life...stop wasting his time! He thought I was using him just staying with him for economic reasons. How wrong he was. I am still trying to hate him today as I feel I could move on more quickly if I learned to hate him and leave him behind. But part of my heart will always belong to him even though l once had hopes we might reconcile or even manage to be friends. Now I realize he doesn’t want to be friends with me and the best I can ever hope is that he will be civil to me. I say what a shame, he knows I am a great friend and although I made some terrible mistakes I truly am a great person, I make a great friend and I am a very loyal friend. It is his loss!

I am a great person. Once again very soon my life will be on track again. I will regain my self worth, confidence and faith in myself. I have let myself be dragged down by a false hope of something that will never be again but I still have the memories and most of them are good that will stay with me for the rest of my life. So I must focus on the positive and ignore the negative and begin to live again. I am a great person who deserves great things.