SUICIDE


Have you ever thought about it? I bet most people have at some time in their life. Yes I have thought about it too, but not too seriously and not for long. I used to think about it a lot as a teenager in high school. I knew I was so different and that I didn’t fit in with the others. I felt like an outsider, I felt like I didn’t belong. I didn’t have anyone to talk about how I felt or who where similar. But for whatever reasons, I didn’t do anything about it and I am glad. I’ve had a pretty good life thus far. I do admit I though about it again after my break-up two years ago. Why I am not sure, because I was devastated or was it simply the only way I could get back at my ex? In any case the thoughts weren’t very serious or continuous. I admit my life still isn’t where I want it...but I guess I am to blame for that. I am the one who can change it or so they say...but it sure seems difficult and a struggle every day. But most of the time I still enjoy life and hope that I will be happy with myself again soon. I even know a few people that have tried to commit suicide. But even I am still uneasy about discussing such things even though it should be talked about.

The real reason I brought up the subject of suicide is because of my Grandfather. It is my Dad’s Dad and I never new him, he died before I was born or so I believed until one day I asked what my Grandfather had died of, the reply was he “killed himself”. Wow, the family never talks about it. I guess 55 years ago when he committed suicide it would have been very hard for the family, not that it is any easier today, but I think people feel more compassion towards the families of suicide victims today and there is a better chance to get councilling. My Dad wouldn’t talk much about his Dad’s suicide, just to say that his Dad hung himself in the barn. It must have been a shock for the family, finding the body and wondering why? He was a quite well to do farmer, happy husband, father and an outstanding citizen, as he had even been Reeve of our township at one time. So why did he commit suicide, what could have been troubling a man in his early 50’s so much that he felt the only way out was suicide. Was he just very depressed? Was it because his wife had diabetes and numerous complications including amputation of both legs below the knees? Or could he just not deal with the life he had? I have often wondered if he might have decided he was gay. I am sure it must have been very difficult in those days...you got married regardless and tried to live a straight life...but it must have been very lonely and frustrating. I guess I’ll never know the reasons for his suicide, but it makes me wonder…why?