EXPECTATIONS


I haven’t’ written in some time…writers block again…perhaps, but more likely due to not making the time. Its now 2005, will this be the year? The year for what? The year I get a job? The year I start to live again? Of course I am living, it is just not the life I want, are my expectations too high? It seems strange but I seem to have lived my whole life not being who I am and not doing what I want. But I still don’t seem to know who I am or what I want. Everything I think I want, I never seem to be able to achieve. I have lived all my years never fitting in, not feeling part of anything.

I have yet to find my passion in life, I have never known what I really wanted to do for a living and have never found it. That is not to say I haven’t had some interesting jobs or that I haven’t enjoyed any of them. It’s just that I always wanted to be one of those people who loved what they did and actually looked forward to going to work. But that expectation is too high now, I can't get a job period, for the moment.

Yes my expectations are too high. I can’t even live up to my own expectations. And it is not just about a job, but everything else in my life. I am not the kind of person I want to be, I can’t be friends with the type of people that I would like to know. I don’t do the kinds of things I always dreamed of. I don’t live the kind of life that I always dreamed. Why do I set my standards so high, is it because I want to fail at everything?

This is a new year; I must take a more pro-active approach. I must learn to appreciate the little things in life. And I certainly must accept all the blame for all the failures in my life, whether professionally, for my personal life, or of my friendships. I have to learn to be grateful and thankful for the smallest things, that way I won’t be disappointed.

Perhaps it is simply my fear of rejection that holds me back. I am probably dwelling in the negative for the moment, as I think of everything in negative terms. I see my life as failed relationships, a failed professional life and failed friendships, rejected in relationships, rejected professionally and rejected by friends…but I suppose it only looks failed or seems like rejection because what I need now most is some positive signs of encouragement, signs of acceptance and I don’t see them or they are not obvious to me. LOOK HARDER!

So for 2005 and beyond I must learn to appreciate the small things in life, the little signs and not worry about things so much, enjoy what comes my way.