SPRING????

Cold as hell here but spring is still in the air. I got phone calls from three good friends yesterday. Two from London, England, one of them the friend I am going to attend a wedding with in Brazil. And two propositions from fuck-buddies, one via e-mail and one by phone..a.nd and email from the guy I met last week...I like him, but he is not so interested in me...so perhaps I leave that alone. Off to work...

2005

Well 2005 is over. It has been a year with a lot of changes for me. I got a job in March, great news, but it is a job I dislike and pays very little. My year will be up soon and I hope I can find something more appropriate. I moved to Toronto, a nice city if a lonely place. I had a very short lived relationship. I met some new friends. I started a new life. But I still find it hard to forget the past. I am still in love with my ex. I should be mad as hell at him, but I can't make myself hate him no matter how hard he hurt me. I am an emotional wreck sometimes because of the past or is it because of my near death illness a few years ago. Ever since then I am very emotional and hold onto the past perhaps in the same way I held onto life and won't let go.

I had no plans for this New Years Eve as I have had only one memorable time (The millennium). It is usually a time to be made to feel you don't have enough friends and you pay four times the price for a meal in a restaurant. So hence I made no plans except for a quiet night in alone.

I had made plans to meet a couple of friends to play with at 3PM. I decided to go see a movie first, " Memoirs of a Geisha"..then I went to their place at three expecting to play for a couple of hours come home and pop a frozen pizza in the oven. Instead after we finished playing, they asked me to stay for supper as they had no plans. I accepted although I felt a bit weird saying yes, as they would think, " this sad guy has no plans!" But I have enjoyed their company many times in bed and out as we go to dinner and the theatre regularly. Dinner was a hearty beef stew perfect for the sudden cold of New Years Eve. We finished a leisurely dinner with wine, then went to the living room to relax, shorlty ending up in the bedroom for another round of play. Then we sat down to watch a movie and to watch the New Year enter. Shortly after midnight I said my good nights and left. It was a nice evening and totally unexpected...a great surprise.

Only two friends called me on New Year's Eve. I had hoped others would think to call but I guess they could say the same about me calling them.

2006 can only be better than 2005 and I look forward to the changes! Happy New Year!!!

ENOUGH?
It just seems like enough. The time of the year when you are supposed to be happiest. But here I am single, alone, broke, working a job I detest, living in a city that I don't want to live in, few friends and not much going for life now. Is it just anotther mid-life crisis or am I to be alone the rest of my life. I suppose I should accept the fact that I will be alone and just move on. After three failed relationships one of which I thought was "the" relationship, it seems I don't have what it takes to be in a relationship. I somehow make people hate me, perhaps becuase I can't possibly believe I am a good person. I never have liked myself and I haven't figured out how I can learn to like myself and how can I possibly think anyone will want to be with me, if I don't believe it myself?. So the answer is to become celibate and just enjoy life for what ever it can offer, even if it seems insignificant at the moment. IUp to this poine I have destroyed relationships, I have ended the only career I found that I had enjoyed. And I can't even stick to a diet because if I am thin ,people might find me attrative. I wish I was intelligent, I wish I was creative, I wish I was a nice person, I wish I could believe in myself, I wish a lot but that will never get me anywhere, but how can I make myself a nice person, make myself believe in me, make myself creative, I guess the only thing I can't change is my intelligence...that is limited by genetics.

Sorry you had to read this but writing it down is the only way that seems to help me.

I miss so much right now...distant friends....lost loves.......but I can never have that back so accept it, accept it, accept it!

NICE EVENING

I had a nice evening last night...a threesome...dinner...and the theatre...with the same guys...does that make me shallow?

ENOUGH?

When do you say no, when do you stop trying? I like the guy, he likes me, we see each other regularly, but our goals differ. Do I stop wasting time or do I just enjoy the moment. Will he change or will I change? Will we naturally drift apart, or will the relationship change to friendship. I need friends, I want friends, but I am bad at friendship! I scare people away with my insecurities, I push away those I have feelings for, why? Because I am afraid and insecure! How do I become secure and unafraid? I need this to survive, survive my career and my personal life! How! Help!

COLDNESS
It's cold here...very cold tonight. Nothing worse than a dark cold lonely night in winter. I guess I try to hard to find someone to share time with....I only seem to end up by myself. And crazy me has to go out to a friends place tonight....thank goodness it is only a few blocks away and warmth will soon be realized. I try to hard, that I mess up. I must learn to relax and just accept things as they are. Last night I started talking to P on line, it had been a few weeks and I wanted to talk forever but a friend was coming over. I hope he would be online tonight so I could call, but alas he must have made it an early night. Probably just as well as I would have bothered him with my woes.
Just put on a happy face, think positive thoughts, don't expect too much and relax! My moto for the season.
Not sure why I haven't been writing lately but probably because I would start moaning again and I said I wouldn't do that...oh well...not many read this anyway..it is my attempt at therapy. I will try to write more and not so much moaning.

CONTINUES


I've decided I should still write here...why should I let ohters stop me. But perhaps instead of bitching about my life, I'll talk more about life now, good and bad. I am even trying to take a few photos. I've been hanging on to people and things from the past, I can't make them stay so I must let them go, it was meant to be that way I guess. The past is past. So to the future...let it begin.

THE END

I think this is the end of this blog. Not a place to vent anymore. I think the man just left my place for the last time...not sure why I think that..but I do. Sad, sad, sad.

MOVING ALONG

Things seem to be moving along with the new man. It has been over a month. There was a rough patch last week. It was a Tuesday night and he was getting back late so I thought I wouldn't see him so I invited a friend from work over. Then the man calls and I wanted to see him so I invited him over. He seemed OK at first but soon became defensive at the questions my work friend was asking and left after 30 minutes in quite a huff. My work friend left a few minutes later saying, " I don't think he likes me!" I tried to call the man on his cell but he did not answer, which is unusual from him. I didn't hear from him the next day, then finally I caught him on line and he said he was just in a really strange mood and didn't want to see anyone. I was so concerned he was upset at me that for the 24 hours we had no contact ,my stomach was in knots the entire time. He said he was finally ready to see me again after two days. He was still in a bit of a mood and was worried about his mood, saying " I should seek professional help." The first reunion was a bit strange, probably due to the fact that I was questioning him about his mood and if he was upset with me. But the next day things seemed to be back to normal. My personal opinion is he is homesick, having only been in the city for a few months and suffering the frustration of a new job, a new city and new friends. Anyway my insecurities kicked in again, I was convinced he didn't want to see me...but as usual I seem to have over-reacted.

It is a long weekend here, Thanksgiving. Yesterday I cooked him a nice meal, which I think surprised him as I haven't cooked much lately and he was surprised at the skill of my cooking. Today we woke up, and I cooked a big breakfast/brunch....shagged again and then went to a movie followed by lunch, a little shopping and then parting ways. He just called now and we will meet later for a late supper and perhaps go out or stay in and watch a movie. I like the guy and am trying to enjoy it. I must not react again hastily.

My ex started talking to me online yesterday...shock of horrors...as he hasn't initiated a conversation in six months. Why I am not sure, I answered his questions and didn't ask him too many questions. He asked for my address but I am sure he only did that to seem proper..after all he hates me and has not kept in contact so why would he begin now???? Time to let him out of my heart...time to move on...time to forgive...time to forget.

RELATIONSHIP?

I haven't written much lately which in my books usually means things are going well. Well personally anyway as work is a disaster at the moment through no fault of my own but I digress. I have been seeing a guy for the last three weeks. Well I guess we are seeing each other...every day he is in town we see each other...he is a flight attendant so is often away. And I guess my insecurity is that I want some definition to the relationship, but I must learn to live without that. Are we dating? Yes we are, but I want him to say that and he hasn't and won't, so why does that upset me...well it doesn't really upset me but it does make me insecure...oh that ugly word raises it head again. It is simply because I can not believe someone so smart, so sexy, so funny, so good looking and so young would want to spend time with me. Why can I not believe in myself??? I know I have never had a lot of self confidence and I thought I was getting some of it back, but this relationship makes me even feel more secure at times, I must learn to put these thoughts out of my mind.

I love having someone to hang out with again, we go to movies, we go shopping, we go out for meals, we talk and we play. So all seems fine...it's just my nagging doubts. Why am I the only person in the world to have such doubts. You know I was visiting a good friend this weekend and she said something that kind of shocked me, she said " why would anyone not like you?" I never thought about that before but its true while I may not be friends with everyone, I do tend to get along with people...and I have been told numerous times that I am a likeable guy....yet I still don't quite believe it.

I must learn to trust myself and believe in myself and not to question myself or everyone else so much.

Sorry I must go, I have a dinner date....and hopefully dessert!!!

MOVING FAST

Yes it finally happened I got a high speed internet connection, so hopefully if anyone out there is interested, I may be making more frequent entries. Except I usually write when I feel down or things are on my mind. Lately, aside from the job, life has been good...so good in fact I don't know if I believe it.

The man is away this weekend and I miss him a great deal, but he has called me twice. This is such a great feeling knowing someone wants to talk to you and be with you. I like this man very much, I am not sure where it will go or how it will turn out but for the moment I am on the high you get when you first enter a relationship(If I can use that term?). He even told me he thinks he really, really likes me tonight!!!! Oh how great it was to hear those words. Of course I have concerns about the 17 year age difference, but everyone else is telling me not to worry about that, but I do, but I am also trying to be positive and enjoy what is happening. I have the biggest grin and when I finally see him again on Tuesday, I will be walking on a cloud!

PS Sorry Chameleon that I did not call tonight, I got home late and thought you might be in bed. But I do want to talk soon. Thank you for your enduring support and love. I love you!

A GOOD WEEK

Finally a good week...well not at work but everywhere else. I met a guy on line Saturday that I had actually met a year ago and we had a hot session. I sent him a message and within an hour he was at my door. Well, I saw him Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday...we've even beetn to a movie(almost) and out for dinner. Is this going to go anywhere? I am just taking it a day at a time. I really like the guy, but I am not sure what he really wants...and after all he is 17 years younger than me...and I guess I worry about that, but should I? We are not seeing each other tonight because he is a flight attendant and is working today and tonight...but tomorrow when he gets back he said he wants to get together. Guess I'll keep taking it one day at a time.

Also I have been getting quite chummy with the new guy at work. I have been training him the last couple of days and we have been having far too much fun, joking and talking. I think we are going to become good friends. Well at least I hope so, cause I can use some good friends.

So all in all it has been a good week. I know have some positive things to look forward to. Maybe my life is about to turn around?

IT TAKES TIME

It takes some time to get a high speed internet connection as I am finding out...guess it doesn't pay to work for the company that installs it all the time. It also takes time to get over things..but slowly I am getting there. At first in this city I felt lonely and alone. Now I am gradually fitting in. I still haven't met many real friends but perhaps that is because I don't know how to be a friend so I don't know hot to find friends or cultivate friends.

Not a lot has happened since my last entry. I guess you could say I have a crush on the new guy in the office...but I haven't pursued it at all...office romances can get messy...although I don't even think I am his type...so I will just see what happens naturally.

The office has discovered they like my cheesecake and I have been in demand to bake cakes for all occassions in the office. I hope to suprise them with something different soon to show them my versatility.

I haven't felt the urge to write so often lately...perhaps because I don't need the outlet so much now. But I do still have moments. I know they say you can't look back, but I do. I think I have made so many mistakes in my life...but I must forget them or learn from them and make new goals. I have never been good at goals but perhaps it is time I tried harder.

Well if there is anyone out there...look for entries more often.

I'M BACK!

Yes, I finally got a PC! I am temporarily on dial up until I get a high speed connection so I am trying not to let the hassle keep me away. Things are going better for the moment. I've kind of settled into the job, it is not my kind of job, but I like the people, despite working for one of the worst managers ever! And I have relaxed a bit about money so I am not so stressed. I am learing to live on less and finally decided to withdraw some savings to get my PC, so while I now have less retirment funds, I am living in the moment. My self esteem is still very low, but I let someone and someplace suck that out of me, I guess I didn't see it happening and it is taking a long time to get it back. I know my standards are high and I should not measure myself agains others and every day I try hard not to, I guess it will get easier and my self confidence and sef esteem will come back.... I just have to keep working on that.

On the more interesting side, a new guy started a work. I like him and that is the problem. I am jealous because he seems to chat to everyone else more than me. I want to get to know him better but he is a loner in the sense he prefers to lunch alone. I think he is gay and yes I do find him sexually attractive but my first priority is to make friends. I don't even know if he is single or not? I hope that eventually we can become friends although his behaviour seems to indicate he prefers not to make friends at work. Perhaps I can change his mind as I have made some good friends in the past through work, some I have know for 25 years.

Meeting people is still proving to be hard and I haven't actually made any friends. I have had some great conversations with people who say they want to be friends, they ask for your number and say they will call, but they never do. I must admit I have stopped chasing such people, but maybe I should be a bit more aggresssive and call them...perhaps they are shy like myself.

I like living in the big city...and although it can be extremely lonely at times....there is always something to do, you never have to be bored. I guess I just don't have the confidence to make friends as I still find it hard to believe people would want to be friends with me as really, what can I offer them? Of course I know this is nonsense, but I fight that thought each and every day. I guess it is made worse by the fact that my ex has simply stopped all communcitation....I must truly be a horrible person to make someone hate me that much.

And one last thing. Thank you Chamelon for all your support. I only wish we had had more opportunity to talk and to see each other. I took your friendship for granted for too many years...but you are a great friend and thank you for your friendship...I shall cherish it for the rest of my life.

UPDATE!

Thank you Chameleon for your reply to my eamil, always a pleasure to hear from you, we must talk soon on the phone, I miss our conversations. Have a great time visiting your Dad and at the opera, I wish I could join you.

Feeling kind of guilty as I have been off work all week and no excuse not to write...just this terrible heat and all lack of ambition because of it! I think I finally came up with a solution to get my self back into the wired age..so hopefully soon I will have more frequent entries.

I have been a bit of a tourist in Toronto this week , I took the opportunity of free time to do a few of the things I have never done.

Women you are right, men are jerks! I have met a few guys recently, had some really great conversation and then they ask for my phone number....but they never call? I could understand if I gave them my number unsolicited but when they specifically ask for it and then never call, that I don't understand!!!!

I am meeting a couple of friends from Waffle Land today. They are in town visiting family. We are doing dinner and a movie. I am looking forward to the evening, it will be great to catch up.

I am still as confused as ever, and seem to be a ship floating at sea with no destination....I don't like the feeling. But I must try to believe in myself and start being more positive and optimistic. Why would anyone be interested in me, in my present state???? For me to find someone, I first have to learn to like myself! I have to realize that despite all that has happened, I am genuinely a nice person who has a lot to offer to another person. It is the only way I will ever move on...and I must move on. The past holds terrific memories, good and bad, but I can not dwell in the past. I must plan for the future. I have to set some goals. Chameleon watch out...I want to visit so we can go to the mundane Pizza Hut and a movie...awith a box of Leonidas Chocolates! Look out world cause I am going to start making it again!

Any fellow bloggers from Toronto...interested in meeting a new friend...showing a newbie around the town????