I'M BACK!

Yes, I finally got a PC! I am temporarily on dial up until I get a high speed connection so I am trying not to let the hassle keep me away. Things are going better for the moment. I've kind of settled into the job, it is not my kind of job, but I like the people, despite working for one of the worst managers ever! And I have relaxed a bit about money so I am not so stressed. I am learing to live on less and finally decided to withdraw some savings to get my PC, so while I now have less retirment funds, I am living in the moment. My self esteem is still very low, but I let someone and someplace suck that out of me, I guess I didn't see it happening and it is taking a long time to get it back. I know my standards are high and I should not measure myself agains others and every day I try hard not to, I guess it will get easier and my self confidence and sef esteem will come back.... I just have to keep working on that.

On the more interesting side, a new guy started a work. I like him and that is the problem. I am jealous because he seems to chat to everyone else more than me. I want to get to know him better but he is a loner in the sense he prefers to lunch alone. I think he is gay and yes I do find him sexually attractive but my first priority is to make friends. I don't even know if he is single or not? I hope that eventually we can become friends although his behaviour seems to indicate he prefers not to make friends at work. Perhaps I can change his mind as I have made some good friends in the past through work, some I have know for 25 years.

Meeting people is still proving to be hard and I haven't actually made any friends. I have had some great conversations with people who say they want to be friends, they ask for your number and say they will call, but they never do. I must admit I have stopped chasing such people, but maybe I should be a bit more aggresssive and call them...perhaps they are shy like myself.

I like living in the big city...and although it can be extremely lonely at times....there is always something to do, you never have to be bored. I guess I just don't have the confidence to make friends as I still find it hard to believe people would want to be friends with me as really, what can I offer them? Of course I know this is nonsense, but I fight that thought each and every day. I guess it is made worse by the fact that my ex has simply stopped all communcitation....I must truly be a horrible person to make someone hate me that much.

And one last thing. Thank you Chamelon for all your support. I only wish we had had more opportunity to talk and to see each other. I took your friendship for granted for too many years...but you are a great friend and thank you for your friendship...I shall cherish it for the rest of my life.