Life-stuff

2006-03-21T07:09:00.000-05:00

SPRING????

Cold as hell here but spring is still in the air. I got phone calls from three good friends yesterday. Two from London, England, one of them the friend I am going to attend a wedding with in Brazil. And two propositions from fuck-buddies, one via e-mail and one by phone..a.nd and email from the guy I met last week...I like him, but he is not so interested in me...so perhaps I leave that alone. Off to work...

2006-01-01T01:14:00.000-05:00

2005

Well 2005 is over. It has been a year with a lot of changes for me. I got a job in March, great news, but it is a job I dislike and pays very little. My year will be up soon and I hope I can find something more appropriate. I moved to Toronto, a nice city if a lonely place. I had a very short lived relationship. I met some new friends. I started a new life. But I still find it hard to forget the past. I am still in love with my ex. I should be mad as hell at him, but I can't make myself hate him no matter how hard he hurt me. I am an emotional wreck sometimes because of the past or is it because of my near death illness a few years ago. Ever since then I am very emotional and hold onto the past perhaps in the same way I held onto life and won't let go.

I had no plans for this New Years Eve as I have had only one memorable time (The millennium). It is usually a time to be made to feel you don't have enough friends and you pay four times the price for a meal in a restaurant. So hence I made no plans except for a quiet night in alone.

I had made plans to meet a couple of friends to play with at 3PM. I decided to go see a movie first, " Memoirs of a Geisha"..then I went to their place at three expecting to play for a couple of hours come home and pop a frozen pizza in the oven. Instead after we finished playing, they asked me to stay for supper as they had no plans. I accepted although I felt a bit weird saying yes, as they would think, " this sad guy has no plans!" But I have enjoyed their company many times in bed and out as we go to dinner and the theatre regularly. Dinner was a hearty beef stew perfect for the sudden cold of New Years Eve. We finished a leisurely dinner with wine, then went to the living room to relax, shorlty ending up in the bedroom for another round of play. Then we sat down to watch a movie and to watch the New Year enter. Shortly after midnight I said my good nights and left. It was a nice evening and totally unexpected...a great surprise.

Only two friends called me on New Year's Eve. I had hoped others would think to call but I guess they could say the same about me calling them.

2006 can only be better than 2005 and I look forward to the changes! Happy New Year!!!

2005-12-23T01:03:00.000-05:00

ENOUGH?
It just seems like enough. The time of the year when you are supposed to be happiest. But here I am single, alone, broke, working a job I detest, living in a city that I don't want to live in, few friends and not much going for life now. Is it just anotther mid-life crisis or am I to be alone the rest of my life. I suppose I should accept the fact that I will be alone and just move on. After three failed relationships one of which I thought was "the" relationship, it seems I don't have what it takes to be in a relationship. I somehow make people hate me, perhaps becuase I can't possibly believe I am a good person. I never have liked myself and I haven't figured out how I can learn to like myself and how can I possibly think anyone will want to be with me, if I don't believe it myself?. So the answer is to become celibate and just enjoy life for what ever it can offer, even if it seems insignificant at the moment. IUp to this poine I have destroyed relationships, I have ended the only career I found that I had enjoyed. And I can't even stick to a diet because if I am thin ,people might find me attrative. I wish I was intelligent, I wish I was creative, I wish I was a nice person, I wish I could believe in myself, I wish a lot but that will never get me anywhere, but how can I make myself a nice person, make myself believe in me, make myself creative, I guess the only thing I can't change is my intelligence...that is limited by genetics.

Sorry you had to read this but writing it down is the only way that seems to help me.

I miss so much right now...distant friends....lost loves.......but I can never have that back so accept it, accept it, accept it!

2005-12-15T07:58:00.000-05:00

NICE EVENING

I had a nice evening last night...a threesome...dinner...and the theatre...with the same guys...does that make me shallow?

2005-12-11T08:38:00.000-05:00

ENOUGH?

When do you say no, when do you stop trying? I like the guy, he likes me, we see each other regularly, but our goals differ. Do I stop wasting time or do I just enjoy the moment. Will he change or will I change? Will we naturally drift apart, or will the relationship change to friendship. I need friends, I want friends, but I am bad at friendship! I scare people away with my insecurities, I push away those I have feelings for, why? Because I am afraid and insecure! How do I become secure and unafraid? I need this to survive, survive my career and my personal life! How! Help!

2005-12-06T18:52:00.000-05:00

COLDNESS
It's cold here...very cold tonight. Nothing worse than a dark cold lonely night in winter. I guess I try to hard to find someone to share time with....I only seem to end up by myself. And crazy me has to go out to a friends place tonight....thank goodness it is only a few blocks away and warmth will soon be realized. I try to hard, that I mess up. I must learn to relax and just accept things as they are. Last night I started talking to P on line, it had been a few weeks and I wanted to talk forever but a friend was coming over. I hope he would be online tonight so I could call, but alas he must have made it an early night. Probably just as well as I would have bothered him with my woes.
Just put on a happy face, think positive thoughts, don't expect too much and relax! My moto for the season.
Not sure why I haven't been writing lately but probably because I would start moaning again and I said I wouldn't do that...oh well...not many read this anyway..it is my attempt at therapy. I will try to write more and not so much moaning.

2005-11-14T22:36:00.000-05:00

CONTINUES

I've decided I should still write here...why should I let ohters stop me. But perhaps instead of bitching about my life, I'll talk more about life now, good and bad. I am even trying to take a few photos. I've been hanging on to people and things from the past, I can't make them stay so I must let them go, it was meant to be that way I guess. The past is past. So to the future...let it begin.

2005-10-12T21:23:00.000-04:00

THE END

I think this is the end of this blog. Not a place to vent anymore. I think the man just left my place for the last time...not sure why I think that..but I do. Sad, sad, sad.

2005-10-09T19:56:00.000-04:00

MOVING ALONG

Things seem to be moving along with the new man. It has been over a month. There was a rough patch last week. It was a Tuesday night and he was getting back late so I thought I wouldn't see him so I invited a friend from work over. Then the man calls and I wanted to see him so I invited him over. He seemed OK at first but soon became defensive at the questions my work friend was asking and left after 30 minutes in quite a huff. My work friend left a few minutes later saying, " I don't think he likes me!" I tried to call the man on his cell but he did not answer, which is unusual from him. I didn't hear from him the next day, then finally I caught him on line and he said he was just in a really strange mood and didn't want to see anyone. I was so concerned he was upset at me that for the 24 hours we had no contact ,my stomach was in knots the entire time. He said he was finally ready to see me again after two days. He was still in a bit of a mood and was worried about his mood, saying " I should seek professional help." The first reunion was a bit strange, probably due to the fact that I was questioning him about his mood and if he was upset with me. But the next day things seemed to be back to normal. My personal opinion is he is homesick, having only been in the city for a few months and suffering the frustration of a new job, a new city and new friends. Anyway my insecurities kicked in again, I was convinced he didn't want to see me...but as usual I seem to have over-reacted.

It is a long weekend here, Thanksgiving. Yesterday I cooked him a nice meal, which I think surprised him as I haven't cooked much lately and he was surprised at the skill of my cooking. Today we woke up, and I cooked a big breakfast/brunch....shagged again and then went to a movie followed by lunch, a little shopping and then parting ways. He just called now and we will meet later for a late supper and perhaps go out or stay in and watch a movie. I like the guy and am trying to enjoy it. I must not react again hastily.

My ex started talking to me online yesterday...shock of horrors...as he hasn't initiated a conversation in six months. Why I am not sure, I answered his questions and didn't ask him too many questions. He asked for my address but I am sure he only did that to seem proper..after all he hates me and has not kept in contact so why would he begin now???? Time to let him out of my heart...time to move on...time to forgive...time to forget.

2005-10-02T18:56:00.000-04:00

RELATIONSHIP?

I haven't written much lately which in my books usually means things are going well. Well personally anyway as work is a disaster at the moment through no fault of my own but I digress. I have been seeing a guy for the last three weeks. Well I guess we are seeing each other...every day he is in town we see each other...he is a flight attendant so is often away. And I guess my insecurity is that I want some definition to the relationship, but I must learn to live without that. Are we dating? Yes we are, but I want him to say that and he hasn't and won't, so why does that upset me...well it doesn't really upset me but it does make me insecure...oh that ugly word raises it head again. It is simply because I can not believe someone so smart, so sexy, so funny, so good looking and so young would want to spend time with me. Why can I not believe in myself??? I know I have never had a lot of self confidence and I thought I was getting some of it back, but this relationship makes me even feel more secure at times, I must learn to put these thoughts out of my mind.

I love having someone to hang out with again, we go to movies, we go shopping, we go out for meals, we talk and we play. So all seems fine...it's just my nagging doubts. Why am I the only person in the world to have such doubts. You know I was visiting a good friend this weekend and she said something that kind of shocked me, she said " why would anyone not like you?" I never thought about that before but its true while I may not be friends with everyone, I do tend to get along with people...and I have been told numerous times that I am a likeable guy....yet I still don't quite believe it.

I must learn to trust myself and believe in myself and not to question myself or everyone else so much.

Sorry I must go, I have a dinner date....and hopefully dessert!!!

2005-09-18T22:30:00.000-04:00

MOVING FAST

Yes it finally happened I got a high speed internet connection, so hopefully if anyone out there is interested, I may be making more frequent entries. Except I usually write when I feel down or things are on my mind. Lately, aside from the job, life has been good...so good in fact I don't know if I believe it.

The man is away this weekend and I miss him a great deal, but he has called me twice. This is such a great feeling knowing someone wants to talk to you and be with you. I like this man very much, I am not sure where it will go or how it will turn out but for the moment I am on the high you get when you first enter a relationship(If I can use that term?). He even told me he thinks he really, really likes me tonight!!!! Oh how great it was to hear those words. Of course I have concerns about the 17 year age difference, but everyone else is telling me not to worry about that, but I do, but I am also trying to be positive and enjoy what is happening. I have the biggest grin and when I finally see him again on Tuesday, I will be walking on a cloud!

PS Sorry Chameleon that I did not call tonight, I got home late and thought you might be in bed. But I do want to talk soon. Thank you for your enduring support and love. I love you!

2005-09-14T20:57:00.000-04:00

A GOOD WEEK

Finally a good week...well not at work but everywhere else. I met a guy on line Saturday that I had actually met a year ago and we had a hot session. I sent him a message and within an hour he was at my door. Well, I saw him Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday...we've even beetn to a movie(almost) and out for dinner. Is this going to go anywhere? I am just taking it a day at a time. I really like the guy, but I am not sure what he really wants...and after all he is 17 years younger than me...and I guess I worry about that, but should I? We are not seeing each other tonight because he is a flight attendant and is working today and tonight...but tomorrow when he gets back he said he wants to get together. Guess I'll keep taking it one day at a time.

Also I have been getting quite chummy with the new guy at work. I have been training him the last couple of days and we have been having far too much fun, joking and talking. I think we are going to become good friends. Well at least I hope so, cause I can use some good friends.

So all in all it has been a good week. I know have some positive things to look forward to. Maybe my life is about to turn around?

2005-09-07T21:25:00.000-04:00

IT TAKES TIME

It takes some time to get a high speed internet connection as I am finding out...guess it doesn't pay to work for the company that installs it all the time. It also takes time to get over things..but slowly I am getting there. At first in this city I felt lonely and alone. Now I am gradually fitting in. I still haven't met many real friends but perhaps that is because I don't know how to be a friend so I don't know hot to find friends or cultivate friends.

Not a lot has happened since my last entry. I guess you could say I have a crush on the new guy in the office...but I haven't pursued it at all...office romances can get messy...although I don't even think I am his type...so I will just see what happens naturally.

The office has discovered they like my cheesecake and I have been in demand to bake cakes for all occassions in the office. I hope to suprise them with something different soon to show them my versatility.

I haven't felt the urge to write so often lately...perhaps because I don't need the outlet so much now. But I do still have moments. I know they say you can't look back, but I do. I think I have made so many mistakes in my life...but I must forget them or learn from them and make new goals. I have never been good at goals but perhaps it is time I tried harder.

Well if there is anyone out there...look for entries more often.

2005-08-23T22:10:00.000-04:00

I'M BACK!

Yes, I finally got a PC! I am temporarily on dial up until I get a high speed connection so I am trying not to let the hassle keep me away. Things are going better for the moment. I've kind of settled into the job, it is not my kind of job, but I like the people, despite working for one of the worst managers ever! And I have relaxed a bit about money so I am not so stressed. I am learing to live on less and finally decided to withdraw some savings to get my PC, so while I now have less retirment funds, I am living in the moment. My self esteem is still very low, but I let someone and someplace suck that out of me, I guess I didn't see it happening and it is taking a long time to get it back. I know my standards are high and I should not measure myself agains others and every day I try hard not to, I guess it will get easier and my self confidence and sef esteem will come back.... I just have to keep working on that.

On the more interesting side, a new guy started a work. I like him and that is the problem. I am jealous because he seems to chat to everyone else more than me. I want to get to know him better but he is a loner in the sense he prefers to lunch alone. I think he is gay and yes I do find him sexually attractive but my first priority is to make friends. I don't even know if he is single or not? I hope that eventually we can become friends although his behaviour seems to indicate he prefers not to make friends at work. Perhaps I can change his mind as I have made some good friends in the past through work, some I have know for 25 years.

Meeting people is still proving to be hard and I haven't actually made any friends. I have had some great conversations with people who say they want to be friends, they ask for your number and say they will call, but they never do. I must admit I have stopped chasing such people, but maybe I should be a bit more aggresssive and call them...perhaps they are shy like myself.

I like living in the big city...and although it can be extremely lonely at times....there is always something to do, you never have to be bored. I guess I just don't have the confidence to make friends as I still find it hard to believe people would want to be friends with me as really, what can I offer them? Of course I know this is nonsense, but I fight that thought each and every day. I guess it is made worse by the fact that my ex has simply stopped all communcitation....I must truly be a horrible person to make someone hate me that much.

And one last thing. Thank you Chamelon for all your support. I only wish we had had more opportunity to talk and to see each other. I took your friendship for granted for too many years...but you are a great friend and thank you for your friendship...I shall cherish it for the rest of my life.

2005-08-05T10:26:00.000-04:00

UPDATE!

Thank you Chameleon for your reply to my eamil, always a pleasure to hear from you, we must talk soon on the phone, I miss our conversations. Have a great time visiting your Dad and at the opera, I wish I could join you.

Feeling kind of guilty as I have been off work all week and no excuse not to write...just this terrible heat and all lack of ambition because of it! I think I finally came up with a solution to get my self back into the wired age..so hopefully soon I will have more frequent entries.

I have been a bit of a tourist in Toronto this week , I took the opportunity of free time to do a few of the things I have never done.

Women you are right, men are jerks! I have met a few guys recently, had some really great conversation and then they ask for my phone number....but they never call? I could understand if I gave them my number unsolicited but when they specifically ask for it and then never call, that I don't understand!!!!

I am meeting a couple of friends from Waffle Land today. They are in town visiting family. We are doing dinner and a movie. I am looking forward to the evening, it will be great to catch up.

I am still as confused as ever, and seem to be a ship floating at sea with no destination....I don't like the feeling. But I must try to believe in myself and start being more positive and optimistic. Why would anyone be interested in me, in my present state???? For me to find someone, I first have to learn to like myself! I have to realize that despite all that has happened, I am genuinely a nice person who has a lot to offer to another person. It is the only way I will ever move on...and I must move on. The past holds terrific memories, good and bad, but I can not dwell in the past. I must plan for the future. I have to set some goals. Chameleon watch out...I want to visit so we can go to the mundane Pizza Hut and a movie...awith a box of Leonidas Chocolates! Look out world cause I am going to start making it again!

Any fellow bloggers from Toronto...interested in meeting a new friend...showing a newbie around the town????

2005-07-19T07:54:00.000-04:00

GET A GRIP!

Yesterday...was a really bad day emotionally. I left work frustrated and down. I just wanted to chuck it all in. Yes I should be happy I have a job, even though I knew I wouldn't love this job. And even though the pay is terrible, only yesterday did I realize what it is about the job that really bothers me. In this job you only get negative feedback, you only hear about what goes wrong or what you did wrong. No one tells you when you do a great job or things go well. I guess because this department works with so many other departments and we have rules about deadlines etc., no one perceives us as doing good but only stopping them from doing what they want and consequently we only get negative feedback. This is crushing my spirtit. I already feel bad enough about myself. My life has been one big failure. I've messed up great relationships. I've screwed up several careers and here I am with nothing. I have a pokey little studio flat. I have a very low paying job. I have not made any new friends. I can't even afford the computer I want so that I can keep in contact with friends on the other side of the ocean. I can't even afford to take someone I fancy on a date! I am one big loser. I've realized I won't make new friends or even have a chance at finding a partner because I don't like myself so how can I expect anyone else to like me! In my eyes, I have failed at it all. And what do I have to show for my time on earth....nothing. I hope the struggle gets easier, but some days, it is hard to even want to fight.

2005-07-18T08:02:00.000-04:00

PERFECT SEX?

Is there such a thing as perfect sex? I came close to it yesterday - no pun intended. It was hot as hell in the big city yesterday...so like all males....I think of sex!. I decided to go to the air conditioned comfort of a local bath house which is air conditioned so I could keep cool and get hot and sweaty! No sooner had I checked in and was approaching the door to my room when another guy approached...our eyes locked. Was he really interested in me...he was much younger, very fit and very hot. I opened the door to my room and stood at the door and looked at him. He entered right away. I didn't even have time to get undressed we were all over each other. He dropped his towel and I began taking off my clothes between the kissing and caressing. It just kept getting better as we both seemed to be into each other and we seemed to be a perfect match sexually. What a great time was had by both of us! We both got hot and sweaty and had fantastic fun. It was as close as I have ever gotten to perfect sex..with a stranger! But oh my what fun! I only wish I had asked for his name and contact details!

2005-07-11T08:18:00.000-04:00

DARK CLOUDS

Just when you think you have learned to deal with the past....come the depressing thoughts....that I fight to keep at bay. It puts me in a strange mood as things swirl in my mind...all those questions...what if? But it is a waste of energy.....I must learn to switch to other thoughts before I get sucked into all those depressing thoughts. Things maybe a bit tough at the moment but eventually they will get better...it can only get better.

PS.
Thanks to the guy at Zipperz who flirted with me, I know you weren't serious but it helped make my evening.

2005-07-05T08:01:00.000-04:00

THREE MONTHS ALREADY:

Wow, I can't believe it has been almost three months since my last entry. I know have a job and live in the big city. Still single but will be that way until I learn to like myself again. Last night as I walked home from a friends house, the City amazed me. On a warm summer eve, I first cut through a park, where all kinds of people where sitting in the park talking and trying to find a cool place....even the street people! Then I walked down the main street of the upscale area and it was beautiful, people out walking and even the shop windows with all their expensive goods somehow seemed magical last night..then I came upon the intersection of the two main streets which historically define the city central...not as pleasant but full of life! I went home and had a great nights sleep only to have a bad dream early this morning...I must leat go of the past....and move on...I am letting the past hold me back! Is anyone out there??????

PS I hope to have the technology soon to make more frequent entries!!!

2005-04-09T22:07:00.000-04:00

BLOGGER WITHDRAWL

Wow so little has happened yet so much has happened. It is awlful being without a PC at home!! I am losing contact with my friends! Thanks to S and P who both called today but unfortunately I could not talk very long as I was in the car driving....can't wait to have a nice long chat with P...there is a lot we need to catch up with.

The job is going OK....not sure what to make of it yet...I know it will not become a career, but parts of it are quite interesting and parts are quite boring and tedious but it is an interesting field and I hope it opens other opportunities.

I seem not to have a lot of time to do things lately...yes some overtime at work..but not real excuses except laziness...hopefully the arrival of spring will give me some ambition to get out there and meet people. I need to make new friends in this big city. I hope to have my own place by the first of May and will then begin to feel like I have a home again and a real life.

Last weekend I had a rendezvous with the man in Niagara Falls. He was there working for the weekend so I went down and stayed with him on the Saturday night. I had a great time...too great...it was lovely to see him after four weeks, but I know it is not real so I try to keep mentally a bit distant although really I would like more.

I am back in the small town this weekend, to give the friend I am staying with some of his personal space back...I thank him for his kindness and genorosity letting me stay with him for a while and I hope to be out of his way soon.

Well I guess I could go on and on about stuff, but not a lot of time right now.....so it will have to wait until I have a PC again. P....lets talk soon!

2005-03-19T09:58:00.000-05:00

TWO WEEKS!

Two weeks at work....learning so much new stuff, information overload! This broadcast business is all new to me and it has been a while since I done so much administrative work. The people I work with are all nice but I feel so old!!!!! But being around the young keeps you young. Two weeks since I last saw the man, some phone calls and emails but no meetings....guess I have to accept the fact that it is over. Yete again I begin a new life!
Hope to get a PC soon so I can keep this blog more up to date.

2005-03-10T18:28:00.000-05:00

YIKES!

At work for four days, its going ok, but I have no access to a computer after work hours...what a horror story. I got to see the man the night before I left...that was sweet...but who knows if we will ever meet again?????

2005-03-03T08:47:00.000-05:00

THE GOODBYE

Well tonight will be the last time I see the man. I leave for the city for my new job on Sunday, and his boyfriend comes on Friday so tonight, Thursday, will be the last time I see him, perhaps our paths will cross again but who knows. It has been a fabulous five weeks. I know I should not have been seeing him knowing that he has a partner, but there was some sort of very strong attraction drawing me to him. “A friend told me that in the beginning it is always love” and I suppose we all know what he means. Because of the situation I do admit I have not let my feelings get out of control which will make the goodbye somewhat easier but at the same time I will never have expressed or tried to express some of my real feelings to him. And that old enemy of mine, the self-esteem issue always rears its head. It says to me, that to him it was only sex…but in all honesty it wasn’t, would he have wasted time just sitting talking to me, going out for dinner with me and making all those sweet phone calls??? I guess it was just fate that we met that night and immediately hit it off, I told him I wanted to see him again that first night. And while I honestly thought I would never see him, he did send an email and asked to meet the next night…and it became a regular thing him four to five times a week. Aside from the initial physical attraction it was his intellect and personality that really made me want to see him again and again. He is a man I admire for going after his dreams. Of course as usual I am looking forward to seeing him tonight but on the other hand, it will be bitter/sweet and I will try to hold back my tears. But I will be thankful that I at least knew him for a short while and for the time being I will live in hope that sometime, somewhere we will be able to meet again.

2005-02-28T00:49:00.000-05:00

HAPPENINGS

Seems like ages since I last saw the man, seems like ages since I last wrote. So much has happened. I have a new job, I start next week…hurray…it has been far too long and far too hard. I am excited, anxious, nervous and worried. Mostly worried because the job pays a lot less than my last job in Canada some 10 years ago and the new job is in Toronto, a much more expensive city then where I lived before, so will I be able to a smaller income...I have no choice...of course I will. But I am scared at the thought.

I saw the man tonight after a week of not seeing him because of work that took him away. He called me at least twice a day the whole time he was away…so sweet and thoughtful. But he does still have a boyfriend and I should know better but something keeps drawing me to him. Tonight was a fantastic night, first talk, then a nice dinner at a local Italian restaurant and then fun and more talk. Tonight at dinner we actually talked about our feelings for each other and the complications, namely his boyfriend and my new job in a different city. What is it that draws us together despite both of us knowing better? I think I have played it pretty cool, not losing my head or my heart, but I do want to! We plan on seeing each other every night this week until I have to leave for my new job in the big city. I am not looking forward to our last day together. But the kind man says he still wants to see me and that somehow we will find a way to be together!!! All I can do is take it one day at a time.

Tonight my father called to say he and Mom will be back home tomorrow after two months away. I was hoping for a few more days of privacy...but I soon leave for the big city and will be away from them again, so I must enjoy the next few days with them. It looks like my life may be finally back on track again.

2005-02-21T23:47:00.000-05:00

TEARS

I guess noone likes rejection, but most people move on. I seem not to move on or I do it very slowly. I guess the ultimate rejection was by S.M. I loved him and in many ways still love him. I desperately wanted to hold onto him, but I didn’t fight because I knew he doesn’t like a fight. I hope we could be friends and I tried to maintain contact, but it hasn’t worked. Once in a while we have very pleasant, polite conversation but it is not the talk of friends but of mere acquaintances that for whatever reason, perhaps because of common friends, feel they should maintain contact. I hate this…I just want to be able to talk to him again…laugh with him again...feel comfortable with him again. But I must realize that is not going to happen, I have to let him go…if he does not want to know me that is his loss…I am a nice person. But sometimes I still cry.

P.M…you came into my life at a turbulent time….you taught me so much….and I held you too tightly. You always kept your distance, you always knew what you wanted…and I was not it. But thank you for being my friend. I know I don’t always get to talk to you as much as I want..but at least you keep the lines of communication open..and we have a genuine friendship. I’d love to see you again some day…I just hope we can maintain the friendship. But sometimes I still cry.

F.D….we have our periods of close times. Before I left BXL we had some of the best quality times. When you were posted in Italy for a year…we talked often on the phone and confided in each other. Now you are back home and have a family, a job, and a career and research so we speak less frequently. But I know when we get together or when we talk, it will be like old times. And lets go to the cinema….I’ll pick-up the Leonidias, and we’ll meet at the Pizza Hut first for dinner! And you never made me cry…but you did let me cry when I needed to.

J.C…..what can I say?…I have known you for 25 years. We didn’t start out as best friends..but I have to say you soon became my best female friend. We can go long periods of time without speaking…but when we do finally connect, we just seem to pick-up where we last left off and I know I can always call you when I need to unload. You only made me cry once, on your wedding day…cause I was selfish and knew I no longer was your best male friend….but I soon realized you would still have room for me in your life.

C.B….the newest person to enter my life…and at the moment the most confusing. Should I give him up…something I am not good at…I hate saying goodbye especially when a person becomes important to me. You’ve made me feel good about myself after a long period where I only felt rejection. I don’t know where our relationship will go or if it will even go anywhere? I probably shouldn’t even see you at all except as a friend…but I find you simply irresistible at the moment. I am trying to maintain some distance..but it is hard…and sometimes I cry because I know it will probably never be.

2005-02-20T23:27:00.000-05:00

BEING BAD

Am I bad because I am seeing someone who is involved with someone else? Should I end it now? What can I gain from such a relationship? Is it a one-sided affair? Even if he were single would a relationship work? It feels great to have someone like you and want to spend time with you but at the same time I get angry, as I know I am not part of his life. I can’t meet his friends; I can’t introduce him to my friends. And even if he was single, does he really have time for a relationship. At the present his partner lives in another city from Monday to Friday and is here on weekends. Is their relationship based on love or has it just become convenient? Who would want me as a partner at the present, I don’t have much to offer anyone. Even if he were single, I probably wouldn’t have him, so perhaps I should end it. But I am too insecure to end it...instead I will probably wait until he doesn’t want to see me anymore. I am letting him have all the control. He decides when he has time to see me. I can’t see him when I want, I can’t call him when I want. So what do I get from this relationship? Do I do it just because it feels good to be wanted? That seems like the wrong reason. I should know better. What I really need now is friends...but those seem hard to find. I guess I have to keep looking.

2005-02-14T15:42:00.000-05:00

THE AFFAIR

Yes the affair continues. Some friends tell me what a good mood I have been in lately…a result of frequent sex??? While others tell me I should end it before I get hurt! Yes I know I am probably setting myself up for hurt…but I try to take it one day at a time. To love is to hurt…not that I am in love...but every relationship I have ever had, has had a sad ending. So what is so different this time..that it will be a shorter affair…then therefore the hurt should be not as painful? Is it just our Christian-Judaic attitudes that make affairs so unacceptable? I have had them before…will I never learn? But for the moment, can’t I enjoy that great feeling being with someone who wants to be with you if even for only a few hours a day and with whom you want to be with equally as much. Perhaps affairs cater to our societies attitude for quick solutions…our desire to satisfy our urges…both primal and not so primal. We did discuss the situation yesterday evening. And to be honest I don’t even know if we could have a real relationship…at the moment we are on different paths…but for a little while we find ourselves in this situation which seems to solve both our immediate needs. I suppose I may become jealous of not being able to be with him more often...but in all honesty he doesn’t want a lover 24/7…he is focusing on his career at the moment...as I am in my search for employment. Is there a right answer...am I really a horrible person for having an affair? One friend says it would be OK the other partner knows…and while I understand the logic...at least this way he is spared it being,
” in his face.” And yes I am meeting him tonight on Valentine’s Day but isn’t this what the day is about…romance? Am I fooling myself?

2005-02-08T11:59:00.000-05:00

ANOTHER BIRTHDAY

I never really celebrated my birthday….never seemed a big deal...but if I have to be honest…I guess I just hoped others would remember my birthday…how childish. I had a pleasant birthday this year; first lunch with an old friend, then a movie with another friend this evening…and finally a visit with the man tonight. A few friends also called today with birthday greetings… and it sure did make me feel good….it counteracts the fright I feel when I think how old I am.

The man…..I am enjoying my time with him immensely. I must admit I know I shouldn’t be seeing him as he has a b/f (He has been honest about that.)….but something keeps pulling me to him. I hope it is not just the fact that he is the first guy in a very long time to pay attention to me..but I fear that may be the cause…my insecurities haunting me again. But in all honesty I must say I could be great friends with this man…. our relationship is not just sex as is so often the case with affairs. The relationship is about sharing time together and talking as much as sex. I am also aware I maybe setting myself up to get hurt big time...but I am hoping because I am aware of that possibility, I may be able to create enough distance that my hurt will be minimized.

2005-02-07T10:26:00.000-05:00

KINK TO VANILLA (or SHOPPING AND FUCKING)

Saturday I went to Detroit with a friend to D.A.R.K the Detroit Area Rough and Kink Fest. Why? Well because my friend was interested in it and I like to think I am broad minded so why not. The event itself on Saturday was both disappointing and interesting. The day began with lectures on such topics as Dom/Sub relationships, CBT, electro-play, Dom/Sub play and leather play. Nothing I am really interested in, but it was interesting to see those who are into it (gay, straight, single married, trans gender etc). the turnout of people was disappointing but as it was the first such event that could be the explanation. I do admit I am pretty naive when you consider some peoples very specific interests! They highlight of the day for me was to be the Mr. Leather Cowboy Detroit contest Saturday evening. But again, I was let down as there were only two entrants..although there were some nice cowboys in the audience! The highlight of the weekend for me was bargain shopping at Saks Fifth Avenue on Sunday where I indulged in a few designer clothing items at an 80% discount. Can a gay man have too many two-ply cashmere sweaters at $30???? Well apparently yes, as I passed on the cashmere…but I regret it now!

Sunday when I got home I was smiling as I received an email from the man asking if he could see me Sunday evening…like he has to ask! Talk about being confused, I really like the man but he is already involved. I like him not only physically but mentally, I find the mental connection as stimulating as the physical part of the attraction.(I had written relationship..but replaced it with attraction as I am confused!) We shared a bottle of wine followed by an extended session of very hot vanilla play! (Sorry FD, still not many details.) I was quite pleased when he said he wished I could be his! What to do? Do I have time for a boyfriend when my life is still a mess…don’t I need a job more than a man? And does he really want me or is it just a game to him? He seems sincere and I like to think I am a good judge of character..we even have our first sleepover planned for next Saturday… just I have to accept the fact that life is a constant state of confusion. I am confused, but I am confused with a big smile!

2005-02-04T20:24:00.000-05:00

LUST

A third meeting with the new man last night; fun as always, sorry FD, not too many details. We had a G&T how civilized, some nice conversation. He said he was sweaty and dirty and needed a shower so he went off to the shower...he came out naked and said, “I don’t think it makes sense to put my clothes back on, do you?” Of course I agreed and followed him to the bedroom and striped. The next few hours involved playing and talking. As always I enjoyed the talk very much, but he did reveal he has a partner who lives in another city who he sees every other weekend. Well that was a bit of a disappointment but he gets points for honesty. I guess most of you will think I am horrible because I still want to see him, but I do! I just find both the physical and mental attraction very strong and I love that feeling of lust you get when you first start seeing someone. Before I left, he even played the piano for me, Debussy his favourite composer. As I was leaving he asked when he could see me again? Sunday was the earliest because of each other’s mutual commitments. I can’t wait to see him again and on Sunday we will have more time to spend together. I am guarding my heart, as I know he is involved with someone else and I will talk to him more about it, no topics see off-limits at present and there are other things that need further discussion. But the attraction for me is so great at the moment…is that a bad thing?

2005-02-03T08:04:00.000-05:00

ENCORE

Well I saw the man yesterday evening. It was really, really nice and I enjoyed myself immensely. Sorry FD….not many details..guess I am getting shy! I woke up this morning to find an email from him saying he would like to get together again tonight. It feels great that someone I really like wants to see me again...so why am I so worried. Must be my self-esteem issues kicking in again or perhaps it is some intuitive sense? Anyway I have just decided to live for the moment and enjoy what happens. I still have to sort myself out…perhaps that’s why I am concerned….a b/f is not what I need at the moment…I need to channel my energy elsewhere! So here I am confused again!

2005-02-01T23:30:00.000-05:00

EMAIL-YES!!!

The man and I exchanged several emails today. We are planning to meet tomorrow night. I'm trying to remain calm and enjoy it for what it is....but I have a big smile on my face!

2005-02-01T01:24:00.000-05:00

BAD AND GOOD

Today started out badly. I had agreed to meet someone form the internet..he sounded interesting..he sounded my type….lets give it a shot….I should never agree to meet people without a picture. He said he was 45…if he was 45..I am 37. Well perhaps I exaggerate a bit but he was definitely older. I now think I must look pretty good for my age! Well he drove 30 minutes to meet me and I felt guilty just saying no thanks go home but I should have. I let him play with me for a while but he didn’t seem to get that I was not interested in him at all sexually. There was no chemistry. OK…so I admit I am shallow…looks do count! I more or less lay there like a wet dishrag while he played with my body. I just kept lying there and thinking of dear old England. Would he ever get the message that I was not interested? Finally I just had to say, I am sorry, I don’t think this will work. He left and was quite a gentleman. I will never meet anyone without a picture again…well maybe! I should have learned a lesson!

Tonight..still being sexually frustrated, I went to the local gay sauna. I thought I had made another huge mistake, as it was very quiet being a Monday. I was about to give up hope and go home still frustrated when this handsome man arrived. At first he seemed not to notice me, but then he stopped by the door to my room and entered. We had some very nice sex (Okay not the best ever, but very good!) But after the sex was over, we just laid in each others arms and talked for an hour, then went to the whirlpool and soaked and talked some more then back to the room for some more sex followed by more talk. The talk was free flowing with out any awkward pauses..and we seemed to have similar interests and outlooks on life. He is a very handsome man, and I must admit our paths had crossed before some 15+ years ago with a one-night stand, which he did not recall. It was his birthday today and he decided to treat himself to a visit to the sauna. Luckily for me...what a great evening. Bur already I think I am not good enough for him, not handsome enough for him, not intelligent enough for him….I did give him all my contact details and he said he would be in touch…and I hope he does contact me. I would love to see him again. I hope to see him again. I want to see him again. Now all I can do is wait…..

2005-01-27T22:37:00.000-05:00

REVELATION

I started to cry again tonight…but for the first time in over two years it was because I realized I was OK. I had spoken to several friends on MSN in London and to PM (Thanks for believing in me PM!) on the phone today and I had lunch with two of my brothers. I also chatted with a couple friends on MSN who actually enjoy my company and spending some time with me. I have spent so much of the last eight years feeling bad about myself. Society had made me feel worthless, as I was unable to find work and my partner at the time only re-enforced those ideas and I let myself believe I was worthless, ignorant and lazy. When my partner dumped me I was devastated because once again it just re-enforced the fact that I was worthless and a waste of space. And the strange thing was my partner had told me he knew I had a self-esteem problem and that he even thought I was clinically depressed yet his solution was to tell me to leave..get out of his life...stop wasting his time! He thought I was using him just staying with him for economic reasons. How wrong he was. I am still trying to hate him today as I feel I could move on more quickly if I learned to hate him and leave him behind. But part of my heart will always belong to him even though l once had hopes we might reconcile or even manage to be friends. Now I realize he doesn’t want to be friends with me and the best I can ever hope is that he will be civil to me. I say what a shame, he knows I am a great friend and although I made some terrible mistakes I truly am a great person, I make a great friend and I am a very loyal friend. It is his loss!

I am a great person. Once again very soon my life will be on track again. I will regain my self worth, confidence and faith in myself. I have let myself be dragged down by a false hope of something that will never be again but I still have the memories and most of them are good that will stay with me for the rest of my life. So I must focus on the positive and ignore the negative and begin to live again. I am a great person who deserves great things.

2005-01-24T22:21:00.000-05:00

SUICIDE

Have you ever thought about it? I bet most people have at some time in their life. Yes I have thought about it too, but not too seriously and not for long. I used to think about it a lot as a teenager in high school. I knew I was so different and that I didn’t fit in with the others. I felt like an outsider, I felt like I didn’t belong. I didn’t have anyone to talk about how I felt or who where similar. But for whatever reasons, I didn’t do anything about it and I am glad. I’ve had a pretty good life thus far. I do admit I though about it again after my break-up two years ago. Why I am not sure, because I was devastated or was it simply the only way I could get back at my ex? In any case the thoughts weren’t very serious or continuous. I admit my life still isn’t where I want it...but I guess I am to blame for that. I am the one who can change it or so they say...but it sure seems difficult and a struggle every day. But most of the time I still enjoy life and hope that I will be happy with myself again soon. I even know a few people that have tried to commit suicide. But even I am still uneasy about discussing such things even though it should be talked about.

The real reason I brought up the subject of suicide is because of my Grandfather. It is my Dad’s Dad and I never new him, he died before I was born or so I believed until one day I asked what my Grandfather had died of, the reply was he “killed himself”. Wow, the family never talks about it. I guess 55 years ago when he committed suicide it would have been very hard for the family, not that it is any easier today, but I think people feel more compassion towards the families of suicide victims today and there is a better chance to get councilling. My Dad wouldn’t talk much about his Dad’s suicide, just to say that his Dad hung himself in the barn. It must have been a shock for the family, finding the body and wondering why? He was a quite well to do farmer, happy husband, father and an outstanding citizen, as he had even been Reeve of our township at one time. So why did he commit suicide, what could have been troubling a man in his early 50’s so much that he felt the only way out was suicide. Was he just very depressed? Was it because his wife had diabetes and numerous complications including amputation of both legs below the knees? Or could he just not deal with the life he had? I have often wondered if he might have decided he was gay. I am sure it must have been very difficult in those days...you got married regardless and tried to live a straight life...but it must have been very lonely and frustrating. I guess I’ll never know the reasons for his suicide, but it makes me wonder…why?

2005-01-23T01:00:00.000-05:00

MEMORIES

Today I went to see the movie Polar Express. The movie was quite good...a Christmas feel good movie... I've not read the book but plan to so I can compare it to the movie. The think about the movie for me was that it brought back some memories of my childhood. The movie looked like it was set sometime in the 50's or 60's. I was born in the late 50's so the whole atmosphere triggered some memories. There is a scene where wolves chase the train in the movie, we used to see wolves, fox, deer and occasionaly other wild animals at the farm where I was raised. The farm I grew up on had a railway going through it about 3/4 of the way back in the farm. I used to go for walks back to the woods and would have to cross the rail tracks. We were told not to play on the tracks, but we did. We would walk down the tracks a bit, I guess it was fun because it was forbidden as we were warned we could get a foot caught between the tracks and be hit by a train. We also used to put pennies on the tracks so that they would be flattened by passing trains...we were told not to do this as it could cause a derailment. Funny what you remember.

The whole feel of the movie brought back strange memories of Christmas at my Grandmother's as the style of the living room was similar. And how at the age of 5 to 10 you really love Christmas. How I got the Dr. Ben Casey doll I wanted and how toys were much simpler then, train sets, farm sets, building blocks etc. And I was the strange son for wanting dolls because I was a boy. I had my GI Joe and Ben Casey dolls.

It also brought back some strange memories...the day JFK was killed; I was in grade one and watching educational TV, which was interrupted. I also remembered my earliest memory of my mother coming home from the hospital after the birth of my youngest brother. But she came home alone as my brother was premature and had to stay in the hospital for several months. Funny how something can bring back such memories but so sweet.

Vince Edwards who played Dr. Ben Casey on the TV series...was it really an interest in dolls or just men?

2005-01-20T21:14:00.000-05:00

FRIENDS

Yesterday and today were both good days as I had long talks with two very good friends. Although both of them live thousands of miles away, after a long talk it feels like we have reconnected. I am one of those people who when I become good friends with someone I try to maintain that friendship. When you are lucky enough to meet great people I think it is worth making the effort to keep the friendship alive. Perhaps sometimes I can be annoying in my attempt to keep the friendship working, but to me it is worth the effort. I would just like to thank S.B. and P.M. Thank you for letting me be your friend and you for being my friends. Sometimes I can be demanding of friends, but please know that I am here for you if you need me for any reason, don’t be afraid to be demanding of me, I will help you in anyway I can. I thank you for your love, support and honesty. And the same goes for my friend F.D., lets speak soon and catch up on all the news. I miss you all. You are in my thoughts often and I dream of once again seeing you in person.

2005-01-19T22:10:00.000-05:00

EXCUSES

I haven’t written a lot hear lately, firstly because I have been tormented by what I have been writing lately and how it may have been subconsciously manipulative but also as I have been away for the past few days and away from my PC…just excuses really. I have wanted to write but find myself thinking too much about what I want to say.…which is goes against my purpose for writing a blog. It was supposed to be a venue for me to air feelings off the top of my head. But lately I have worried that my words might be misconstrued by some people I do not want to hurt and that if I have concerns with them, I should discuss them personally with the person not via a blog..that would be cowardly. So I shall try to stick to my personal thoughts.

BYE BYE BAMBI

The other night I was driving home and was approaching a car pulled over to the other side of the road...as I approached I realized the car had hit a deer. It scares you because you suddenly realize it could happen to you, it can be dangerous for both the deer and the car and its passengers. I feel sorry for the deer, as men have taken over their natural habitat...but we have also gotten rid of the deer’s natural predator…now their enemies are automobiles. The local authorities want to deplete the deer population as it is growing uncontrolled but others do not want a cull. I guess it is hard for some to see the benefits of hunting deer purely for the purpose of decreasing their numbers…but is it natural for them to live in a world with out natural predators? Surely it must be easier for a deer to die by a single well-aimed bullet then becoming road-kill mangled by an automobile trying to cross a highway? I guess both sides have their reasons and opinions, but who is right? Seeing a dead deer is sad…as we associate deer with being friendly and harmless…and Bambi. But they do destroy farmers’ crops as well. Is there a right answer?

2005-01-13T23:38:00.000-05:00

LOVE

I went to see a movie today…I actually went to see Polar Express..but when I got to the theatre, it didn’t begin until tomorrow so I decided to go see a movie called Amor Silencioso or Silent Love. I knew nothing about the movie…but it turns out to be a Mexican/French Canadian movie. It is about a Montreal Anglophone who finds a mail order bride from Mexico…he meets they decide to get married but she wants her mother to come with them to Montreal. While the couple never fall in love and the Mother seems to prevent love blossoming just by virtue of the fact of being there. The mother decides to go back to Mexico to give the newlyweds a chance at love, but the husband realizes it is the mother he loves not his wife and leaves for Mexico to tell the mother of his love. Of course the movie doesn’t have a happy ending...the newlyweds divorce and the mother rejects her daughter’s husband’s love…it’s a real love story! Do love stories have a happy ending? I know very few fairytale love stories with happily-ever-after endings. Yes, my parents have been married almost 50 years, but it has not always been happy and it didn’t start out as a love story but as a gunshot wedding as my mother was pregnant and in the late 50’s you got married or went away had the kid and gave it up for adoption. Well they chose marriage and I arrived five months after the wedding. They are still together but probably not because of love but because of hard work, respect and financial reasons, I am sure in their case, romantic love existed but it didn’t start that way and I don’t think it is the case now, but more of a convenient friendship.

But perhaps it is because we all know few real love stories with happy endings that we keep searching for it and in this day and age give up easily relationships we have because we feel that the true love story does exist and we will find it.

And lets face it the hunt for love can be fun. Who doesn’t remember seeing someone you have an immediate attraction to whether it is physical, mental or spiritual or a combination of two of these factors or all threes. Who can’t relate to the first time we have sex with someone for the first time we feel attracted to? The brain rush of endorphins…tasting that first kiss, be it slow and passionate or wild and forceful. Of exploring a new body for the first time of the attempt we make to ensure our partner enjoys that first physical experience. Because we are so attracted to them we want to impress them with what we feel is our best attempts at sex or making love. We want them to want more, to come back, we want to win their heart, their respect, we want them to like us and this is usually all before romantic love. So perhaps when we don’t find love or we are rejected in love those physical relationships stay in our mind longer, because we never got what we wanted...even though the sex could be awesome. And when we finally do win someone’s heart, respect and love we forget to work hard at the relationship to keep it alive and well…..perhaps because we want that hormone filled, endorphin laced, rush of being with someone you are seriously attracted to again and again, but can it be that sensation with the same person over and over again???….maybe….I’ll keep looking for now.

2005-01-11T23:31:00.000-05:00

MANIPULATIVE

Am I manipulative? I wrote an entry hear last night. I had gone to bed but could not sleep as my mind was working overtime. So I got up and wrote an entry about what was bothering me. But I removed it as soon as I got up this morning. I was worried that someone would read it and it might make them feel bad…and perhaps subconsciously that is what I intended to do? It was not very nice of me. If I don’t have the guts to say to the person what I am thinking I should not use the blog as cowards way of telling them something. But I guess I have been doing that, except most the people I write about do not even know this blog exists. I am a horrible person...grow up!

2005-01-08T07:30:00.000-05:00

EXPECTATIONS

I haven’t’ written in some time…writers block again…perhaps, but more likely due to not making the time. Its now 2005, will this be the year? The year for what? The year I get a job? The year I start to live again? Of course I am living, it is just not the life I want, are my expectations too high? It seems strange but I seem to have lived my whole life not being who I am and not doing what I want. But I still don’t seem to know who I am or what I want. Everything I think I want, I never seem to be able to achieve. I have lived all my years never fitting in, not feeling part of anything.

I have yet to find my passion in life, I have never known what I really wanted to do for a living and have never found it. That is not to say I haven’t had some interesting jobs or that I haven’t enjoyed any of them. It’s just that I always wanted to be one of those people who loved what they did and actually looked forward to going to work. But that expectation is too high now, I can't get a job period, for the moment.

Yes my expectations are too high. I can’t even live up to my own expectations. And it is not just about a job, but everything else in my life. I am not the kind of person I want to be, I can’t be friends with the type of people that I would like to know. I don’t do the kinds of things I always dreamed of. I don’t live the kind of life that I always dreamed. Why do I set my standards so high, is it because I want to fail at everything?

This is a new year; I must take a more pro-active approach. I must learn to appreciate the little things in life. And I certainly must accept all the blame for all the failures in my life, whether professionally, for my personal life, or of my friendships. I have to learn to be grateful and thankful for the smallest things, that way I won’t be disappointed.

Perhaps it is simply my fear of rejection that holds me back. I am probably dwelling in the negative for the moment, as I think of everything in negative terms. I see my life as failed relationships, a failed professional life and failed friendships, rejected in relationships, rejected professionally and rejected by friends…but I suppose it only looks failed or seems like rejection because what I need now most is some positive signs of encouragement, signs of acceptance and I don’t see them or they are not obvious to me. LOOK HARDER!

So for 2005 and beyond I must learn to appreciate the small things in life, the little signs and not worry about things so much, enjoy what comes my way.

2004-12-31T01:10:00.000-05:00

FADING

Its fading and I don’t want it to! I knew it would but I don’t want it to! I looked forward to all our talks, the sound of his voice, someone to talk with, and someone to listen. We started out as strangers and grew to know each other quite well. I knew he would meet others but I secretly hoped he wouldn’t, how selfish could I be? We used to speak every few days, but now it’s every few weeks. I miss the sound of his voice. I am selfish. We still chat on MSN, but I don’t always have his attention and I am jealous of those who have gained his attention but they have more in common and share more interests, I should be happy he has found them. I know he is busier than he has been in the past and I should be more understanding. I am jealous. Jealousy is not a good thing! I knew it would eventually fade, he wants someone close, close physically and close mentally neither of which I could be. I want him to be happy, he deserves the best and I wish him happiness and love. But I still hate the fact it has faded and I hate the fact I am jealous. But I still hope I can hold onto our relationship somehow even if it takes on a new form. He has meant far too much to forget, he has helped me more than he could ever possibly know and I still hope one day to have a face to face conversation and share our intimate thoughts, to share a bottle of wine again, to dance again and to laugh again and even possibly more although that is not what I want most. I have been selfish, wanting him to myself although I never had him to myself, I never won his love and I knew I never would. He has always been honest with me and for that I thank him, he has never lead me on, but always told me the truth…I was the one with wishful thinking and false hopes. It is strange how he came into my life and now it seems stange that it is fading, perhaps I am just paranoid..but at the very least I will always have the best memories of the sweetest times. Thank you. Merci.

2004-12-29T17:21:00.000-05:00

THE TRIGGER

How can one such simple email trigger such a response? The email today was from my ex and his polite and political correct way of wishing me a Happy New Year. FUCK HIM!!! Why does he want to stay in touch? When he said he was leaving me, he said things to me that were so hurtful why would he want to remain friends if he believed what he said? He was also well aware of my problem with low self esteem...but with his words he made sure my self esteem would remain low, perhaps for the rest of my life. Perhaps he doesn’t care about me…he is just conditioned to do such politically correct things. But the bigger question is why do I still care so much for him? Why can’t I just be so angry with him that I want him out of my life forever? Because I still love him??? I can’t seem to let go of those feelings and the emotional attachment. Would it be easier to deal with all this if I had a job, if I had a life, if there was someone still in my life? Who knows…perhaps I am just hanging on to a past that was good despite ending in such a hurtful way because it is better than my present situation? How do I move on?

I wanted to eat all day today…not because of hunger…but because eating makes me feel good…it reminds me of the meals my Grandmother made...it reminds me of the special times spent over a meal with friends. Typically dinning has been a time when I am having fun. I eat to try to regain that feeling but what I am really doing is feeding my body with empty calories. But momentarily I feel good although that is replaced with guilt. I understand why people turn to drugs or alcohol, they can take them to get to another place or another set of feelings. If someone offered me drugs know I would be tempted to say yes, despite my fear of losing control of myself or fears of becoming addicted. The possibility of escaping from this bad mental place right now is very appealing.

I have been asked to go to a New Year’s Day Levee by a fairly new friend I have known for several months. But again I hesitate, I am afraid. But why am I afraid. I know the reasons why…self esteem issues. Why do I want to go to a party where people are intelligent, creative, interesting and successful? In the banter of the party, I would reveal that, I am unemployed, not creative, not so interesting, that I have an average IQ and that I am unsuccessful. The celebration would not be a celebration in my eyes…just more reasons to feel down about myself. But I suppose there are positive aspects I should consider such as meeting intelligent, creative, interesting and successful people and perhaps even some useful contacts. But can I get over that fear of it all making me feel bad?

To move forward do I just blank out the last 12 years? Surely that cannot be the right answer. How do I stop letting such trivial things trigger these debilitating reactions? Closet shrinks; step up to the table with your advice.

I want friends I can speak to about all these thoughts, but who. They would have to be very patient to put up with my shit. Most people have enough problems of their own….I am merely being selfish expecting friends to be so understanding. So here I am alone again. Trying not to let my thoughts eat away at me.

2004-12-21T19:52:00.000-05:00

PATHETIC

Yes, that is me today…pathetic! I am sitting in front of the PC and suddenly I start feeling sorry for myself. I was talking to a friend in London and I find myself trying to get him to feel sorry for me…how sad is that? I do it because I am so lonely…but not lonely because I am alone..it is more my state of mind. I am just in a bad place at the moment and either I am not trying hard enough or I have to believe all those things people said about me that were unkind and hurtful. Maybe I really am of no use to anyone, perhaps I am not capable of holding down a job, perhaps I do not treat others correctly, perhaps I am manipulative and perhaps I am selfish. Unfortunately I am too intelligent to really believe all that...but there are moments like right now when I sit in front of the PC with tears running down my cheeks…that I just feel so helpless and hopeless. I do know that eventually my time will come but perhaps it is me that is holding it all back; delaying it or stopping it from happening. Perhaps I do control my own destiny…and for some reason my subconscious wants me to waste away alone? Perhaps I do need professional help? But in all likelihood, tomorrow will be a new day and I will feel completely different. A good bitch and a good cry can be therapeutic…or so I must believe!

2004-12-20T23:12:00.000-05:00

COLD AND BEAUTIFUL

Yesterday it snowed all day. I hate the snow, I had to clean the driveway twice yesterday. It is very cold at the present, -13 Celsius. But it was beautiful this morning...the sun was shining and the glare off the white snow was blinding. Now it all seems beautiful.

2004-12-19T23:45:00.000-05:00

REALITY!

Back to reality today as I returned from the big city yesterday and to start the day off…a snowstorm…I’ve shoveled the laneway twice today…winter can be a drag! It was strange being in the city again…it seemed like I hadn’t been there for ages. The weather was really cold well I was there and as the daylight hours are so short for the moment it was hard to make myself go out at night...in fact I only went out a couple of nights…preferring instead to stay in and watch TV.

But I do love the energy of the city and the fact that there is always something to do if you want and the other plus is that being gay is much easier in a big city. There are more people with similar interests and it is easier to meet people and there are actually lots of places where gays meet. People don’t always understand my desire to live in the big city and perhaps after I am there for a while I may grow tired of it but I really would like to live there. When that dream might happen gets foggier every day and that it might become a reality…more distant.

There were times in the past when I felt frustrated and well never truly unhappy I don’t think I was happy…but the present has to be the most frustrating time of my life so far and while I do have many things to be thankful for if someone asked me if I was happy…I would not quickly respond yes. But they say life is what you make it so…I should just get over with thinking like that and concentrate on the positive.

Hey you all want to hear about the juicy bits of the city! And that would be sex! Unfortunately because of the time of year my playmates were busy. Although I did manage to find fun..too much some would say. I met a really nice guy one night, well if you call it meeting. A very powerful physical attraction followed by some rather intense sex. And he wanted to meet the next night for an encore. We met for drinks first..he was a charming younger man…not to mention handsome and sexy! As neither of us had a place to play we decided to go to the bathhouse. We played for quite sometime, but for some reason the sex did not seem to live up to his expectations..I think he expected me to be more passive and I was more aggressive…don’t get me wrong we both had fun…then after a rest we had a ménage a trois …which was also good..but I felt we lost our initial connection. I was hoping he might send an email, but he hasn’t and I don’t know if I will call him when I am in the city again..but I would like to meet him again. I seem to have this desire to build friendships and if that is all we have I would be more than happy. But I seem to scare people off and few friendships seem to develop, perhaps I am just too shy and give up after the initial contact perhaps because of fear of rejection. I know just get over it!!!

I also invited a friend down to the city for Friday and Saturday. Strange situation as the guy is really nice and although we have played I don’t think we are in sync sexually. But I know he is happy with friendship, as am I. We did the shopping thing, dinning thing and even went to see a Christmas concert by the local gay men’s choir….which made me appreciate the 12 Days of Christmas especially the last verse….12 lusty hockey players!

Yes I need more photos..trying to come up with some shots that might be of interest…until then….please be patient or send your suggestions!

2004-12-15T11:36:00.000-05:00

NIGHTMARES!

Two nights ago I had a nightmare....just a symbol perhaps of how I see my life at the moment? The nightmare took place in the house where I grew up. The nightmare involved some sort of military invasion. The house is in the country and although not isolated it is about a quarter of a mile to the nearest house. There were planes flying overhead and men parachuting out of the planes..the men were all in uniform and all carrying weapons. Was Canada under invasion...and by whom..was it the Americans or the Russians? What could they possibly want from our house in a small rural area? I was at home with the family, it was night, we were awoken by the noiose of the planes. We did not turn on any lights so that the house would not attract any attention. There was fear in the house of the bad guys coming to get us; would they take us as hostage or kill us? We began to cover the windows with the dark green/black plastic garbage bags so no one could see in the house and if we turned on the lights they would not be visible from the outside. Then we all went to the basement to hide...and that is all I remember...what happened???? It brought back memories of when I was a kid...I had three recurring type of dreams...one that I was flying...love those...and even got a thrill when I feel from the sky only to realize I had landed with a jerk of my body on the mattress. The other type of dream was that I was always trying to go somewhere or dial a phone number and I was always late or could never complete the call. Things kept happening to keep me from getting somewhere or I could never dial the phone number correctly, I would constantly make mistakes and get no where( Perhaps my life at the moment?). And finally the third type of dream was of the threat of military invasions brought on by the nuclear war threats of the early 60's and the practice drills in grade one of taking protection under our school desks...like that would protect anyone????

Today my dreams seem more varied and while I remember them first thing in the morning, if I don't make note of it or write it down...they soon disappear from my memory. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to dream about nice things such as flying when I wanted or being with someone special?
Is there anyone out there to analyze my dreams??

Why do I write here...no one but two people read this site regularly. Do I offer people anything on this site besides a look into my somewhat strange life and thoughts? I suppose it is all for my personal benefit...an outlet of sorts.

Two nice things happened recently...last night I got a call from PM, it seemed so long since we last talked...it was wonderful...I enjoyed it..and I treasure it. Today my brother sent me an email as he heard I had a job interview yesterday. This was nice as I am not particularity close to my family emotionally and it was so sweet to get his words of encouragement...perhaps we all mellow a bit with age?

If anyone out there reads this site, please post a comment, you can do it anonymously..just interested in what you might think.

2004-12-07T23:41:00.000-05:00

CHRISTMAS...COMMERCIAL?

How commercial can Christmas get? My niece and nephew gave my parents a Christmas tree for the computer...yes you heard right...it is a fiber optic tree that plugs into a USB slot! I suppose it is designed for those people in the work place that like to adorn their workstations or cubicles with all kinds of shit. A tree at Christmas...a pumpkin for Halloween, a bunny for Easter, a heart for Valentines..Etc, etc, decorating for the holidays has got out of hand or maybe it has become just too tacky...it must be a huge business. It is not bad enough that for Christmas people go overboard and buy their family gifts they can't afford or give them things they never wanted or would use. Time to stop the nonsense! I'd rather receive a very personal gift when least expected sometime during the year..then something, someone has picked up at the last moment with no thought just because they have to give me a Christmas present, what do I do with a banana tree???..just put it in the closet with the other two!!! OK OK you caught me, this is just my way of telling all my friends not to expect a present for Christmas!!!

Is this tacky or what????

2004-12-05T23:28:00.000-05:00

BON SAMEDI!

Saturday turned out to be a great day. I went to a movie with a friend and saw I Huckabees. It was an interesting movie, not your typical Hollywood fare. I quite enjoyed it but it is the kind of movie that deserves at least a second viewing perhaps more as it was about existentialism. I was downtown and missed a phone call from PM. I decided to call him back, unfortunately I could not talk to him very long as I was calling from my cell phone (Only 12 minutes, thanks to the last call timer!). But it was one of those calls were the conversation flowed easily; I could have talked for hours. But the best part was that I felt that I was growing distant from PM over the last few weeks as we haven’t spoken much and although we say hello on MSN Messenger, the conversation are not serious and often short as PM would say” n’important qwa”. I felt I was losing touch, but I knew I had to let him drift. He said he had been having problems with friends needing his advice and counseling for the last few weeks and I also know he has lots of friends on MSN to talk to, some en francais, which must be so much easier for him, so I did understand the decrease in contact with me…although I did not like it, I had to accept it! So Saturday’s call was a pleasant surprise, I only wish I had been at home so we could have talked for hours. It once again made me feel connected to him. I suppose this makes me sound silly and dependent. But I place a lot of emphasis on friendship; I tend to find it difficult to make friends so maintaining friendships for me is important. Thank you friends!

2004-12-02T17:29:00.000-05:00

ANGRY!

I am so angry today with my ex, but I should be over that. It has occupied my mind all day today. Why does he ignore me, why does he not want anything to do with me? Of course I could better accept this if he told me this is what he wants no more contact but he said he wanted to maintain contact and stay friends. But a year and a half on…a handful of emails, two postcards…that I asked for and one phone call…I guess I must accept the fact that the person I once considered my best friend and lover wants nothing more to do with me. He made it all seem as if it was my fault when in reality it was both of us. At least I face most of my problems, he ignores them or runs away from them.

He has become the person he hates most his stepmother. I am sorry his mother died when he was so young and I am sorry he had a horrible stepmother, but instead of admitting he resents her he pretends all is fine and just ignores her as much as possible except on her birthday and Christmas. He used to deal with her more when his Father was alive but now that he has died, he can ignore her more often. He has never dealt with his past and is not doing it now. Of course he is not the only one responsible for the break-up of our relationship but he chose not to deal with the issues and problems at the time but instead to run away from them. He only told me to leave once he knew he was being transferred to another city with his job. His previous relationship, he walked out and rented another apartment in the same city to avoid him. He does not believe broken things can be fixed. If an appliance or automobile was not working properly his first reaction was to get a new car or TV or stereo. And in relationships, while perhaps he did not look for a new partner he walked away because he believed they could not be fixed.

While with him I let my self-esteem fall to an all time low and I have not got my self-esteem back. I never felt he believed in me or that he defended me. He agreed with all his friends that I was an opinionated, ignorant person from the backward colonies. I desperately wanted his help to do my job search, but all he saw was a lazy ass…sponging off him. I became a liability that had no value to him at all. Even in sex he demanded I service him, he said it was a joke, but it never felt that way to me. He accused me of dominating him but he controlled almost everything. Yes I was verbal and he came from a family that never raised their voices or argued so I can understand why he may have found my behaviour in that regard different. He accused me of causing his weight gain, his depression, and his high blood pressure but today he still has those problems so he will have to take some of the blame for those conditions himself.

Yes I did betray him, but he shut me out of his life emotionally…I turned to others for the emotional side of the relationship he did not want to give me. I suppose he was protecting himself from getting hurt. That is probably why he never showed emotion when he ended the relationship and he said there was to be no discussion about it! Unemployed and with no money I had no choice but to accept his orders. But he assured me we would remain friends…well I doubt that will ever be the case.

I am so angry, I want to call and tell him all of this, but what good would it do, it would only upset him and push him further away. He chooses not to deal with the difficult situations of life but I hope he finds what he wants, but he must learn, that it is not easy you have to work for a good relationship and for a good life!

2004-11-28T23:19:00.001-05:00

PARANOID?

I have several friends listed on MSN messenger or Yahoo messenger, some are really good friends some are mere acquaintances. Why do I panic when I log in and one of my really good friends ignores me? There could be a million reasons why they don’t talk to me…they could be away from their PC but forgotten to change their status. They could be busy playing a game or video and not notice that I have come on-line. They could be chatting with several other people and missed me coming on-line. Yes there could be a lot of reasons why they don’t talk to me but I am still paranoid. I feel they may be ignoring me on purpose and yet I am afraid to say hello because I don’t want to interrupt them…maybe they are thinking the same way? It seems the more the world becomes connected…the more I worry people are purposely ignoring me. I can be reached via email or on-line, real-time messaging, by cell or mobile phone with sms or text capability, by a landline phone, by snail mail or even by airplane.. I can be contacted 24/7! But why should I expect friends to notice me every time I am on-line…if I lived in the same city would I expect to talk to them every day? I guess that would depend on our relationship and how we had defined it. Some people I would want to talk with daily while others perhaps only once a week or even less. And yet I have one really, really good friend that I speak to perhaps once a month and yet somehow we seem to maintain the relationship. Others friends if I don’t speak to them within a week…I seem to miss a large part of their lives. In a global world where everyone seems to have friends or families scattered around the world, it is more important than ever to use good communication techniques to stay in touch and somehow we can easily forget to do this. I value my friends greatly, perhaps because I don’t have a lot of what I consider really good friends and also perhaps because for me it is hard to make good friends, so those I have, I tend to hold onto tightly. I guess this tightness can scare some people and perhaps I scare off others because of my desire to maintain contact. Right now on my messenger list is a very good friend, an ex, a good friend and an acquaintance…and none of them are talking to me…I guess I should initiate the conversation…but I don’t want to bother them…I know, I know, I am just paranoid!

Oppps….I just received an online message from one of my friends….perhaps they were really away from their PC, and they really do want to talk to me!

2004-11-24T19:22:00.000-05:00

Novmeber 22/04 on the beautiful beach of Lake Erie...not alone that day but it sure feels like it now...loneliness is one of the worst feelings.

2004-11-23T18:51:00.000-05:00

JEALOUSY

I have let jealousy rule me. I have let my weakness hurt people. I am so insecure that I feel jealous and then I say things I do not mean and I hurt people I do not want to hurt. I am so ashamed of myself that I am now afraid to speak to the person I hurt and offended. Now I am a jealous coward. Perhaps that is why I cannot make friends easily….I let my emotions rule…I let them get out of control…and then I lose. At my age I should have learned this lesson by now. Maybe the people who said things about me that I thought were mean and hurtful were the truth? I must try and change to be a better person the kind of person others will want to know and befriend. But where do I start? I guess I must just try and think about the consequences of what I am about to do and then try to think of the reason I am doing it. But it is hard to remain so calm when the emotions take over. I must try really, really hard. I must be a better person.

2004-11-21T20:39:00.000-05:00

FOR RENT?

The strangest thing happened last night. I was meeting a friend for coffee at 6:30 PM and then going to the theatre at 8:00 PM. I decided to park between the theatre and the coffee shop, which are only two blocks away. I parked beside a park. The park is known for being somewhat cruisy but this is usually later in the evening. As I was parking the car a guy walked past my car and towards a big spruce tree. As I got out of the car and started to walk through the park to the coffee shop, he proceeded to take a piss facing the tree. I was naturally a bit surprised as this is unusual behavior, especially so early in the evening. As I walked by him he said something like,” it sure is wet tonight”, as it had been raining for most of the day. I said “yes”, looked at him and started to walk away. He sat on a picnic table and as I looked back he said, “So how is it going?” For some reason I decided to go back and talk, he said, ”Hi, my name is Brandon” and stuck out his hand to shake my hand. We had a bit of a chat. I asked what he was doing sitting in the park. He said I am looking for a warm place, that he was visiting the city and needed a place to stay. He certainly did not look like a homeless kid, too well dressed and groomed. Perhaps he was a runaway, I couldn’t tell. I asked him what he was looking for and he said oh sucking and fucking. I said sorry but I am meeting someone in 15 minutes. I said you seem like a nice guy and I wish I could help but I have to go. As I left he said do you have 25-cents for a phone call. At first I hesitated but thought all of that for a phone call, he must be legit so I gave him a 25-cent coin said good night and left. Was this guy a hustler trying to make a few bucks or did he really need a warm place to sleep. As I walked away he left the park, so he was not continuing to cruise for clients. Am I a fool to believe this guy was not for rent that he was a legit guy just looking for a place to sleep instead of some homeless shelter? I wish I could have helped him but would I have been trusting enough to give him a place to sleep, just so I could have sex with a hot young guy and would I be able to relax and sleep or would I be away all night wondering if he was going to rob me of anything and everything of value? I will never know, but an unusual way to start a very nice evening.

2004-11-19T23:22:00.000-05:00

FETISH or FANTASY?

What is a fetish? The most common definition is something that most of us would consider unusual giving someone sexual excitement or satisfaction and in extreme cases their sexual satisfaction is ultimately linked to their fetish. What is a fantasy? Well I think we all know what a fantasy is and we all have them but most of the time fantasies stay within our minds although certainly I wouldn't mind some of mine becoming realities! But we can use our fantasies to help our sexual satisfaction without ever the fantasy ever actually happening. While someone with a fetish makes that happen to give them their sexual satisfaction. The topic of fetishes became closer to me when I met a guy the other day for a coffee. We had chatted on line a few times and seemed to hit it off so we decided to meet. He had warned me in advance about his fetishes but I said they didn't really interest me, but I found him an interesting person. His particular interest is diving gear...wet suits, dry suits etc. To him wearing one of these while engaging in sexual activities gives him his ultimate satisfaction. Now to me the though of being in cased head to toe and I do mean the diving mask etc. doesn't seem very erotic...I mean it is like wearing an extra strong condom from head to toe! But believe it or not there are groups that meet to engage in such activities. He wants to try it with me but I told him it is not my thing. Now apparently this guy was married and his wife let him dress in such gear and then make love to her...it doesn't sound so romantic to me to have some guy in neoprene lying on top of you...I mean...wouldn,t it pinch and pull all your hair and skin?? But I like to think I am open-minded so perhaps if we do hit it off well, I may try it. But I did state if we do move on to a physical relation..first we do it the old fashioned way! Then we can discuss things. I thought I had heard it all, but I guess you keep learning everyday.

Does this shout sexy to you?

2004-11-16T23:23:00.000-05:00

PROZAC?

I have been a bit down these last few days. Once again I am feeling desperate and hopeless and then Monday I had a telephone interview, which I looked forward to; a sign someone was potentially interested in hiring me. Only to hear the words... do not think we can offer you anything! So why did you call???? They all seem to imply I am too old by saying this is a junior position and I respond that I am changing careers and that I am willing to take a junior position to learn a new career. While society is aging and soon older people will be in the majority; society still seems to view middle age people as expendable in the mean time. How do I convince these people I am sincere about taking such positions? Do they not know I will be happy doing something I like even if it does not pay big bucks? I know I have to keep trying and perhaps I need to change the methods I am using; I wish I knew where to turn to for some advice on such matters. My situation and circumstances is one that seems to mystify the professionals.

But to combat my down feelings I got a dose of my Prozac today in the form of a nice long chat with PM...should I be worried that a talk can change my mood???

2004-11-10T22:32:00.000-05:00

MONEY FOR SEX?

Would you accept money to have sex with someone? If you are a woman you would probably say no pretty quickly as to accept cash would make you a whore in society's eyes. If you were a straight man you would say maybe, if I can get cash for something I would do for free, why not as long as she is not ugly, I must be a stud if women are willing to pay to have sex with me! And a gay man...not sure what their answer would be.... yes I enjoy sex anyway so why not get paid for it, but then gay men are shallow and would want the person paying to be attractive to them. And me....mmmmm actually someone in a chat room today proposed paying me to meet him at his hotel tomorrow. This offer of cash came after I told him he did not seem to be my type. He then said that he was married and he just wanted to have fun while in town on business and he did not have time to waste looking for a partner, he just wants to meet a guy and have some fun. Here I am unemployed and living off my savings, do I accept such an offer? He told me what he wanted and expected, basically he wants to touch and fondle a naked guy and expects me to do nothing in return, an interesting proposition. Was he really serious or was this just another guy playing head games? And should I do it if it is a serious offer? What would it make me desperate or just a rent boy? Well I guess I will have to see what happens tomorrow. And would I ever pay for sex? Yes I probably would if I had lots of money and it could buy me time with someone I really fancied and would save all the problems of dating etc., surely a sign of old age? Should prostitution be such a big deal? It is the world's oldest profession.

Cold hard cash for doing something I like, but can I do it with someone I don't like on demand?

2004-11-09T22:30:00.000-05:00

THINK ABOUT IT!

I have been in a down mood all week, just due mostly to my personal frustration, hence less entries. Today I met someone for a rendezvous and it did seem to change my mood. Why? Because you feel that someone is interested in you, someone wants to spend time with you. How silly is that? Sure people need to feel wanted, but a quick tryst, why should that make a person feel so much better? Is sex or intimate relations with another person my Prozac? Is this just another sign that my self-esteem is still low? I was talking to a friend today and I was asking if I was bothering them (chatting on MSN Messenger)? They told me to stop apologizing all the time and they are right, I do apologize all the time, I am so insecure I think that I am bothering people. If people didn’t want to talk to me they would let me know, he is absolutely right! I have to think of myself in more positive terms. I am an interesting person and most people seem to enjoy my company and I can't let my own insecurities hold me back. I have to learn to project myself in a positive manner, so others will respect me.

On another note the friend I was really worried about seems to have mended his rift with his friend and is in a much better state of mind. I am glad he and his friend were able to settle their differences. Friendships are important and as one becomes older I think friendships are even more important, especially to single people.

I had coffee with a friend on Saturday and he brought up a point about dealing with significant events in our lives. He was saying that in the animal world when an animal faces a crises or major event they have no choice but to move on with their life, unlike humans who keep thinking or reliving important events and when they are tragic the result is they keep reliving the pain and/or loss. And humans with the more highly developed brains waste time and energy worrying about past events…but I suppose on a positive note it also allows us to relive positive and pleasant memories again and again. The point of the conversation though was that to move forward in life after a major event such as a death or relationship break-up you have to look forward and keep moving forward not back, easier said than done!

2004-11-03T23:04:00.000-05:00

HELPLESSNESS

Tonight I saw a friend on MSN Messenger, I sent a message to say hello and I got a response saying that he was bad and was going to bed. I asked a few more questions and he told me he had had a fight with a very good friend of his that he has known for probably twenty years. He sounded absolutely devastated, he was very very upset and down on himself. He said good night and signed off MSN Messenger. I feel so helpless because I want to help him, I want to be there for him but I can't be with him and I am not sure how I can help. I know we are not best friends and he has many friends with which he is closer but he has been so supportive of me I feel I should be able to help him. I wrote him an email telling him I am sure he and his friend could work it out as they had been friends for so long and surely she could understand what he said or did was out of character for him and not reflective of his kind, loving and gentle nature. I even suggested he call a very close friend of the both of them for his suggestions on how to deal with the situation. I have never know this man to be so upset and there seems to be nothing I can do to help, I have a sense of helplessness and it is so frustrating. I know how much this friend means to him and I hope they can work things out. I just wish I could be there for him, to hold him and make him feel better. I just want him to know that if I can help in anyway even if just listening to him on the phone, I will.

2004-11-01T22:36:00.000-05:00

GOOD SPIRITS

After a rather uneventful weekend it was nice to start the week with a conversation with PM. He has been very busy the last few weeks and I haven't spoken to him a lot lately but we had a nice but short conversation this morning followed by some words on MSN messenger later this evening. He said it tonight that he is an enigma but then so am I. I can't figure him out so I just accept him, for who he is, a kind, gentle, loving person and a good friend. I wasn't sure we ever would be friends but we are and I hope we remain friends for a very long time. Unfortunately we have gotten to know each other better since living apart. It is a shame because the more I learn about him the more I wish I could spend some time with him, but perhaps if we still lived in the same city our friendship may not have developed as it has. I know he has many friends and many better friends than me but to me he is and always will be very special. I am a better person for knowing him. I do want to see him again, but when and on what terms I will never be sure, but I will enjoy it whatever way it happens. He always brightens a dull day.

I have also become closer to FD since moving away. She is also kind, gentle, loving and supportive. She is probably the most supportive person I know. When we lived in the same city I guess we took each other for granted and did not always make an effort to see each other regularly because you knew you could see them quite easily, but now that we are separated by an ocean we can not see each other as regularly and exchange frequent emails and follow each other's blogs. I miss you but I enjoyed the times we spent together and I do know that we will see each other again.

Tonight I also had a conversation with AH of London. He is another enigma. He was quite attached to me at one time and seems to want to be with me when no one else is in his life. A month ago he wanted me to come visit for Christmas but a few weeks ago he met someone and although not serious has been devoting his time to that person and made plans with that person for Christmas. I never did get mentally close to AH. He always seemed to keep his distance not really connecting mentally. Perhaps we were both afraid to connect on that level? I hope to see him again.

And I must not forget my oldest friend JC. Although we don't talk frequently, when we do it is like we left off from where we were the last time. I really cherish the time I get to spend with her. And I know if I need her support she is there.

I also got a nice long email from PP of London today. He was an ex many, many years ago. He was the first special guy I ever met and will always have a special place in my heart. We don't speak often but we exchange emails every so often and we do make an effort to meet when we are in the same town. He is a very loyal person and that makes him a good friend.

My friends are all enigmas but then so am I. No one has ever figured me out, not even myself so how could anyone else? I do know that since I was seriously ill a few years ago and almost died, I now hold on to friendships more tightly. I make an effort to stay in contact and I am sure for some of my friends it is strange, but friends you are worth the effort! Friends are precious and because I find it very difficult to make friends I tend to hang on to those I have! I get very emotional sometimes when I think of friends, perhaps because I came so close to losing them all once. That is probably why I find it hard to understand how someone I loved could just want to forget about me and yet mentally I understand that is how he or she deal with things, but it can still hurt.

But thank you to those friends who maintain contact; it can sure help me feel good when I sometimes feel a bit down. I also hope that I can help my friends, that I can be there for them, that I can make them feel good on a bad day. I love you all and wish I could make the world smaller so I could see you more often.

This is one of the local church steeples of my small town. The churches were and are a real centre of activity for the community.

2004-10-28T23:22:00.000-04:00

TIME HEALS

Last night was bad for me. I felt really lonely. I just wanted to be with friends to talk to friends but I didn't want to call anyone as I was in one of those down moods and I would not be pleasant to talk to. I doubted that I even had friends that cared, but of course I do. I thought that I could not have friends because I did not know how to be a friend. I thought my friends were letting me down but that is only because I have too many expectations and I realized that I should not expect anything and then I can't be disappointed.

I was also thinking about my ex and how he made me feel that the break-up was my entire fault. I was the one who was wrong and I was the reason for all his problems. But after agonizing I realize he has to take some responsibility as well. He could have stood up to me at any time; I had no control over him. The break-up was just as much his fault as mine. I know I was always supportive of him and still speak kindly of him to others. But he never really supported me mentally. He never gave me the help I needed or was searching for but then again I should not rely on others. I also began to think that he never loved me that he only thought he loved me because it was the right thing to do. And then I doubted my own love, have I ever loved anyone (apart from family) or has anyone ever loved me. Sometimes the words, " I love you" are said too easily. And in my relationships I have said them first 99% of the time. Perhaps I don't really know what love is or perhaps I am so afraid I will never find someone I truly love that truly loves me I said those words too quickly. I got myself in to a very bad state yesterday. I went for a walk and thought about all this, I cried on my walk but the solitude was good and I could think. And soon I was OK again, I still thought about it all, but we all have to take responsibility for ourselves. I have always tried to treat people well; I am a loyal person and for the most part honest. I never willing tried to hurt or harm anyone and I have respected for people. Even when my ex asked me to leave, I could have refused, but realized you can't make someone love you, so I left without a fight. I want to hate him but I can't. I have loved others before and I have loved another after and someday I will meet someone I love who loves me. I know in my heart I am a good person even if I have momentary doubts. It would be nice to have friends who could listen to me in such a state but it wouldn't be fair to them and it is better for me to go through this myself. The healing is taking a long time but I will heal and I will be a better person.

This is the clock tower of the old post office in my town, which is now a pseudo English pub.

2004-10-27T00:09:00.000-04:00

The grain elevators of my town are a reminder of the town's rural beginings. These elevators are next to the train tracks, but this mill recently closed and grains are now shipped further by truck.

2004-10-26T22:50:00.000-04:00

SMALL TOWN LIFE

For the moment I am living in a small town, I actually grew up and was raised in the country on a farm about three miles from this town. After living in cities for so many years, small town life is tough. Perhaps it is because I am gay or perhaps it is just because of who I am. Let me describe the town.
It was once a rural centre, where farmers would come to do their marketing. The town was founded on the basis of the railway so it became a stop where crops could be shipped via the trains. The town has all the basic necessities today, but if people want luxuries most drive the 20 miles to the city. This small town has no public transport, no cinema and two trains a day on the Windsor-Quebec corridor offer the only escape except for the automobiles everyone has. Small towns make a car a necessity. Living in a city with out a car you forget that in small towns everyone has a car. All the families I know have at least two cars most more. The town is not planned so you can easily walk to a shop or grocery store. Even kids get bussed to school if they live more than a mile from the school. Public transport is not feasible in a town so small and it makes the automobile king.

The town had its roots as an agriculture centre, but now is more of a suburb for the city near by and somewhat of a centre for automotive parts production for the big assembly plants easily accessible from Detroit/Windsor to Oakville via the highways. Ironic that a town so dependent on the car helps manufacture them.

Most people would say the town is a great place to raise a family. At first glance that seems like a good idea, in a small town you are more likely to know your neighbours, the community is still largely based on churches and the smaller schools seem like better places than the larger city schools for kids to be educated. But a small town also lacks the museums, galleries and complete sport facilities (Apart from the ice rink present in every small town in Canada!) of a larger urban centre. But a small town also lacks exposing people to different cultures. And the churches can also make people somewhat narrow minded and provincial.

The town was first settled by the British but after the Second World War came the Dutch and the Portuguese. Both communities are very strong in the town. While the majority of people are still of British roots, the newer immigrants have more traditions and cultural reasons for staying cohesive. I went to school with the first of the Canadian-born children of the Dutch and Portuguese. The town now has several Dutch Delis and several Portuguese Bakeries. But gradually through inter-marriage these groups are losing their uni-cultural identity and becoming a part of multi-cultural Canada.

For a gay man, small towns don’t offer much. Everyone stays in the closet for fear of rumours. While there certainly are gays in this town, they all go to the city where it is easier to be themselves. I want out!

2004-10-26T22:28:00.000-04:00

FAMILY
Tonight, my brother with MS came over, as we were finishing supper. He seemed all right but then the topic of access to his daughter was soon raised. He wants access to his daughter but his ex-wife has been denying him free access after he had a blow-up with her and verbally assaulted her. He has had numerous supervised visits at my parents and did manage an unsupervised visit last weekend. He says his separation agreement gives him access so he wants it. He said he was going over to demand access and if his ex-wife did not give him access he would call the police. Perhaps legally he is right, but he believes the terms of the separation agreement can never be changed, this is where he is wrong, she can contest his access and possibly has grounds for doing so after his verbal assault of her in front of witness or his deteriorating medical condition which might not make him suitable for long unsupervised visits with his daughter. Anyway his emotions erupted and then my father’s emotions erupted. I tried to play peacekeeper and did have a little success. My brother and father eventually calmed down. We are asking that my brother take someone with him when he next sees his legal council just to make sure he is hearing everything correctly as often he seems to only hear what he wants. I hope he will be OK. Just before he arrived my parent’s had been arguing/discussing their retirement finances and that was not a pretty picture either. My parents are stressed about my father’s retirement and about their baby son. I hope they can all weather these storms successfully. At their age I am sure they thought problems with children would be long gone, but it seems you never stop being a parent.

2004-10-25T23:02:00.000-04:00

NEEDED SUPPORT

It was wonderful to get such a positive comment from a dear friend on my last entry. Sometimes when we are down we forget that we do have true friends that care about us. I was feeling sorry for myself and chose to ignore friends that are kind, loving and supportive. I am sorry I assumed friends don’t care, they do and well they may not always be around when I want them most it is because they are not aware of my immediate need but surely would be if I asked for their help. To all my friends, thank you. Thanks for being there for me, thanks for being so supportive. I just hope you realize if you ever need my help or support I will be there to help in any way that I can. Friends are sacred to me and I go to great lengths to hang on to those people that have played an important part in my life. But there is always room in my life for more friends and I look forward to future friends I’ve yet to meet.

2004-10-25T22:52:00.000-04:00

A more modern tower, the water tower of my town.Although not clear in my picture, a communication tower has been added to the top for cellular phones. Even the more modern towers evolve.

2004-10-24T23:43:00.000-04:00

A residential tower once a symbol of wealth now used as a place to install a satellite dish, changing times!

2004-10-24T23:33:00.000-04:00

PHOTO OPS

Not much to report this weekend. A rather quiet weekend I am afraid. I have been taking a few pics. I did a series on towers of the small town where I live. This is in response to a request by FD to write about the town where I live and I will do that soon. I then did a series of pics of the larger city nearby. It is of motels and restaurants that have been around for at least 50 years, they used to be on the main road into the city before the modern 4-6 lane expressways were built. I think the pictures capture the era quite while and although the restaurants and motels have not aged well they are a bit of our local history. I also took the picture for my Christmas card this year…yes I am planning ahead but if I don’t I will be rushing at the last minute trying to come up with an idea. As it is it would have been easier having someone behind the camera to take the picture but I did manage a few acceptable pics…..PM come help me take the perfect pic for my Christmas card!

I am getting really frustrated at trying to meet people in this town/city. I have tried bars and the Internet. I seem to meet people who seem interested and say lets meet, but then they never actually want to…why can’t they be honest! I have even been out with guys a few times and they say they want to go out again but make up excuses why they can’t…isn’t anyone honest these days. Tell me you just don’t see us going anywhere…I am a big boy I can take the truth. It seems no one cares for my company at the moment. Perhaps it is me, I know I am at a bad place right now, but I think I am handling it well and when I meet people I don’t go on about my problems. Or perhaps people just don’t want to get involved with an unemployed middle-aged man. Or perhaps as someone said maybe I am trying to hard, perhaps people sense my desperation. Who knows…time will tell…although I never have been good at making friends..perhaps a new approach is needed!
I

2004-10-21T23:23:00.000-04:00

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Last night a guy I have met at a bar and who I see in a chat room all the time offered to give me a massage. I am not interested in the guy sexually, but hey a massage is good. He said he would be naked (ah OK!) and did I have any limits…let me think…I’ll tell you when you cross the line. Anyway I took him up on his offer, I got off…and I got a massage…and I just got to lie there and think of England…and I guess he got off on touching my body..why, why? Well it was a nice massage.

Today I finished the painting job I was doing..so stayed in the city. I went to check out two art exhibits…one at the local gallery featuring local artists with the art for sale…one piece really attracted my attention…it was a piece of old baseboard that was covered in layers of paint, the artist had chipped away the paint to reveal a map of the world. Not sure why it caught my attention, perhaps because I have an interest in architecture, I love travel, and I can imagine looking at a chipped piece of wood and seeing the outline of North America or Africa. If I had the money I would have bought it! I also checked out an exhibit at the cities Anglican Church arranged by the Bishop’s wife. It is quite a well-known exhibit and has been going for years. A friend who is a sculptor entered several pieces to be shown in he exhibit. He was accepted and installed the pieces only to get a call from the Bishop’s wife to remove three of the pieces on the grounds that one had a badly sculpted hand, one was just bad and another reason for the third piece. My friend the artist said it was strange that each piece she asked to be removed showed some part of the “naughty bits”, a breast, a scrotum or some pubic hair, but the piece that remains is of two lesbians in bed but the covers pulled up to their chins. BF the artist was a bit upset saying he now realized the whole show was “living room” art designed for middle aged, middle class people to hang in their living rooms. He was right the art was all very amateurish and very twee.

I have been worrying about the quality of my writing on my blog..but I have decided not to worry any longer. I write what I think and how I think…so forgive me if the grammar is not perfect or if I miss some spelling errors as I have not proof read it several times. Its just me, just saying, what I think!

I saw the movie Spiderman 2 today. I wasn’t impressed. But he did loose his powers because he did not believe in himself and I feel the same way I have lost myself because I don’t believe in myself…but how do I learn to believe in myself again.

I called PM to wish him a good time in Berlin. I wish I was going with him, but I don’t think he would want me to go and I am jealous because he is going with O. O got PM for a while, I didn’t, hence the jealousy. Get over it guy!

2004-10-20T23:35:00.000-04:00

Fall has arrived.

2004-10-19T20:40:00.000-04:00

FALL OR AUTUMN

Today I had to drive into the city to do some painting for my brother’s mother-in-law. For a few days I am working…what a change! But the interesting part was the drive to and from the city. It is fall or autumn here in our hemisphere. The foliage on the trees is almost at its prime for its autumn display. So many shades of orange, yellow rust and red all mixed in with leaves still green and coniferous trees. My favourite trees in the fall are Sumac; they change to the most spectacular colour of red, sort of Burgundy or more of a Beaujolais colour. I suppose considering modern technology I should post a picture of the fall colours, but I have not done that yet and not being a techie….I am not sure how to do it. I could use bloggers own software but I am afraid it may come with unwanted things. I digress; I think this time of year can be so beautiful; I missed this time of year while living in Europe. Although I do not miss the snow that comes with winter and in Europe it did tended to be wet and grey in the areas where I lived which can be depressing. But the change of seasons in Brussels and London was less pronounced, it sort of sneaked up on you, while here in my part of the world, you can really tell when spring has arrived or fall has arrived. I love that sense you get when the seasons are changing…it is not so clear from spring to summer, but winter to spring or summer to fall is great. I wish everyone could see at least once a beautiful display of fall foliage. Perhaps I can master the technology to post a picture…keep checking this space!

PM thanks for the French lesson….I will try harder…but I need practice!!!!

2004-10-18T20:25:00.000-04:00

DISCONNECTED IN A CONNECTED WORLD

I love the Internet, I hate the Internet! It is great to so easily be able to stay in touch with people. You can speak to them in real time, you can see them on camera in real time and you can talk to them in real time. But is it real? It is so easy to stay in touch with people these days, we’ve got cheap long distance phone calls, and we’ve got cell/mobile/GSM’s so we are available 24/7 via voice or text. We can have a Blackberry or other handheld device to receive emails with us at all times. We have laptops with wireless Internet connections, we have emails on our home and office PCs and lest we forget, we even have mail yes good old-fashioned snail mail. But I find the more connected the world has become the more disconnected we have become. Ten years ago it was more of an effort to stay in touch with people. Email was still new, mobile/cell/GSM technology was not common and even ten years ago the art of letter writing had been lost. But now I can send an email, have an on-line, real-time conversation, send a text message…. how r u 2day? Lets meet l8r! ….call their cell/mobile/GSM or even pick up the telephone. Somehow though I feel as though I can lose touch more easily because less effort is involved and it is easier to forget to stay in touch. You can ignore a text message, you can let your phone calls go directly to voice mail or screen calls with call display, you can make your status show up as offline or not available on various messenger programs such as Yahoo or MSN. We can avoid or hide from those we do not wish to have contact with for the moment. Sometimes we can lose emails in our in basket or mistakenly/purposely delete it as we are afraid it is virus or an is an advert for a product guaranteed to make you a “real man in the bedroom.”

I try very hard to stay in contact with people, sometimes I think that I do it to the point of annoying people, some people would sooner forget or perhaps they just do not cherish their friends as I do. I guess for some people maintaining contact is not as important, but for me it is. Perhaps that is my burden holding on to people, but surely holding onto friendships cannot be a bad thing? So to all my friends out there, I will not forget you but if you prefer to let the memory of me fade, that is your loss. Just don’t be upset with me if occasionally I send an email, a post card, a text message or make a phone call. I will try to stay in touch with you because somehow, someplace, sometime you touched me, I feel you are worth the effort to maintain contact and someday I hope we can meet again to share a coffee or drink in a bar or café. Friendships can be cherished and saved despite distance!

2004-10-17T01:00:00.000-04:00

OH SHIT!

Oh shit, I was home tonight and logged into MSN Messenger, but my status was showing me as logged off. I did this because I was playing couch potato and watching a movie. I did think PM might be on later tonight but as he said he was going out to a bar tonight I thought he would be home quite late…but I missed him and he even sent an email saying he had hoped to speak with me tonight. Damn I missed him….and I love talking to him….if only he had called me I could have quickly logged on…the video I was watching was a rather boring epic called The Four Feathers…a conversation with PM would have been much more interesting! Sorry Monsieur P, but I am here if you really need to talk, just call me anytime!

This morning I was recruited to help my mother pick out some new eyeglasses. Being the opinionated gay soon, people around me tend to trust my sense of style and taste. PM don’t laugh! While I may not be as trendy or original as you I do have a good sense of style even if it is a bit common. After shopping for suitable glasses we met up with my father for lunch. He has been extremely stressed lately about his retirement at the end of the year. He has fears that he will not have enough money, fears that he will not live much longer, anger at the rising cost of travel medical insurance that may hinder his love of travel and the fear of how he will spend his days. It must be a big change as he has been working to support a family since he was 17 and now almost 65, that is 48 years of work. It will be a big change and I hope he can adjust.

This afternoon a friend called to see if I could meet for an afternoon tryst….that would be a praline to you MP! I have met the guy about four times in the last five months for such purposes. He has a partner with whom he is “happy” and has been with for many years. The partner apparently knows he plays around when he is away on business. I guess we both benefit from such a ‘fuck buddy” status, but I must admit I think he has been doing this for quite some time as the meetings are “strictly business” with no time for personal chit chat. But in my present situation it serves a useful purpose. For me it would be nice to see him more regularly, but I have to play by the rules!

2004-10-15T01:39:00.000-04:00

Nice Day

Today was a nice day. My niece EM who is five came for supper, after she said hello to her Dad and Grandma, she came running asking where I was. I was never very good with kids, always afraid of them and missed the childhood of my other nieces and nephews because I moved away, but it was nice to have EM come looking for me and I made her tacos for supper as she requested.

I had a talk with PM on MSN Messenger this evening as well. He was "en forme" and was sharing more of his music with me. He has exposed me to some very good music I would have never heard if I had not met him. He is just a really great guy and so easy to talk with.

I also had a talk with M of Toronto on Yahoo Messenger tonight. He saw my profile on a site and responded. Unfortunately when I was in Toronto we were not able to meet as he was going away that weekend but we did have a nice conversation on the phone. He is only 28 and only wants to meet for sex, but he is intelligent, interesting and funny so I am hoping at the very least a friendship may develop. I am looking forward to meeting him when I am next in Toronto.

I also put to paper the character outlines for "the play". Now the hard part is ahead as I have to begin to write the dialoge. The first draft should be quite easy as I have so many ideas in my mind. The next drafts will be more difficult as I will have to ensure the dialoge is interesting, intelligent and amusing well at the same time trying to make the story flow and be logical. But I have lots of time right now...so let the fun begin!

2004-10-13T16:23:00.000-04:00

Friends

Today was an interesting day. I got an encouraging and supportive email from FD about a comment I made on another Blog she follows; she is such a supportive and positive person. Then I talked to PM for quite a while and then continued our chat on MSN Messenger for several hours. He shared his latest project with me, his proposal for a new radio show. What makes PM so easy to talk to? I wish I felt as comfortable with others as I do with him. Then I had a talk with A of London, UK on MSN messenger. He is very supportive of me as well but he tries to get me to write what he likes. It is funny because he just did his Masters in Mediterranean Studies, and is writing a lot of articles for newspapers in his native Algeria as well as submitting articles to various other newspapers and journals in the UK, France, Italy and Algeria. He is fluent in several languages. I told him I was writing a play, but he thought I was writing porn and suggested I write political articles on immigrants in Canada. I know his intentions are good but he doesn’t really understand me. We have a strange relationship that is hard to explain and we haven’t seen each other in over a year. He did try to come to visit Canada this year but was insulted by the attitude of the Canadian consulate when he attempted to get a visa to visit Canada and changed his mind. He says he is supposed to be in NYC in January as he is working on a documentary with the BBC in some capacity, I think as an interpreter and we may try to meet there. He is also taking a TV and video production course, which sounds very interesting and is something I am very interested in, but I do not have the money to go back to school at the moment. The funny thing with A is he wants whatever I do to be highly intellectual and views my play as porn, which it is not. But then he wants me to call so he can hear my voice on the phone well he gets himself off. Isn’t that a bit hypocritical? Friends, I love them all, but I don’t always understand them.

2004-10-12T22:13:00.000-04:00

Doubt?

Why do I still doubt myself? Why do I believe I am not wanted? Because I haven’t found a job yet? Because I haven’t made any new friends yet? Because I feel sometimes that my old friends ignore me? The ironic thing is that I am intelligent enough to know that none of this is true. But it is still hard to fight these feelings. I can’t expect to have people telling me how great I am all the time. I can’t expect my friends to understand what I am going through. Do I go out of my way to help my friends? I am not sure about that, most friends don’t or haven’t made demands of me, but if they did I am sure I would do what I could to help them. And perhaps if I asked my friends for help they would give it to me if they could, but I don’t ask. I guess I feel I have to get through this myself. This is my penance. This is the price I have to pay for leading the life I have decided to live for making the choices I made. I have to believe I will make it, that I will survive, that I will be stronger because of my struggle that I will find myself because of this struggle. It is these thoughts that help me make it through most days. People don’t want to listen to me complain as my complaints are not of a serious nature and my complaints are selfish. I guess it is just that human desire/want to feel needed and loved by others and to be respected by others. It is others who make us feel that what we are doing is good and that justifies our existence. Boy am I fucked up!

2004-10-11T22:00:00.000-04:00

Only In Canada, eh!

Today I went to lunch in a Chinese restaurant. It had been one of those chain fast food restaurants, but the location did not provide the traffic necessary to meet the company quotas. An independent businessman new to Canada had taken over the lease and started his Chinese restaurant. The food was not fancy but it was good, the atmosphere was not luxurious, but simple and acceptably clean, the staff was not well trained but friendly. A Chinese immigrant ran the restaurant and in the background there was a radio station playing with a German-speaking announcer and German music, with commercials in both English and German. Clients in the restaurant were of various ethnic groups due to its central location in a very commercial part of Toronto. There was a Latino couple, a mixed couple consisting of a Caucasian male and an Oriental female and their young child, there was a single Caucasian male and a single Asian (Indian) male, and a Caucasian couple, tourists from the UK and myself. The tourists were confused as when they went to pay the bill were confused as to why the price charged was 15% more than the published price. They probably thought it was a mandatory service charge as the cashier/waitress had limited English and did not try to explain that there it is a provincial sales tax of 7% and a GST (Goods and Services Tax) of 8%. Why are these prices not included in the quoted price versus being added after the fact? It is a result of our history with the British Empire. The colonies deplored the heavy taxes imposed on imported goods from the mother country, so as we became more independent our tax laws would not allow us to hide these taxes but they were to be added so that in fact we were aware of what we were being taxed. A noble concept in its time but now in a global world with lots of tourists it makes more sense to quote prices taxes included!

Toronto is now made up of almost 50% immigrants. On my way home from the restaurant, I took the street car which passed through China Town (the second largest in North America), then through Little Portugal and Little Brazil (It’s location next to Little Portugal for obvious reasons.), then through a mixed area with a smattering of Korean business, through the Polish part of town, past a Croatian club, past a Latvian retirement home to a largely Ukrainian area where I was staying. Toronto one of the most culturally diverse cities in the world is representative of the world and how it has changed with people immigrating to other countries. Welcome to Canada.

2004-10-10T11:10:00.000-04:00

FUCK BUDDIES!

I have been in Toronto since Friday, just for a little rest and relaxation. But Friday was fun meeting up with a couple of fuck buddies. I guess the concept of a fuck buddy is a bit strange to some people but it is practical, convenient and satisfying. I mean you get to have sex with someone you are attracted to, someone you are sexually compatible with and someone you feel comfortable with. One of the guys B, is a professor at one of the local universities, my age and has a partner that he has been with for over eleven years. The other guy A is a 23-year-old single guy between boyfriends. Seems I am attracted to all types. I guess the big advantage of fuck buddies is that the participants are providing a service that is of benefit to both parties without the hassles of dealing with the emotions of love and jealousy. Fuck buddies provide you with that bit of extra sexual excitement that seems hard to hold onto in relationships. Relationships start out all great, both of you looking forward to the excitement of sharing your bodies, but after a while that fades and you have to fight really hard to maintain it, people start not to want sex so often as they get tire, they get busy, peoples cycles don’t seem to match, people can’t agree on how much is best or when is best, fuck buddies help relieve this problem but I guess they also make it easier to not work on maintaining that spark in a relationship, the feelings you get at the beginning of a new relationship, the excitement of being close to someone, trying to please someone, bonding with someone. Does anyone notice how the greatest conversations always occur after a great session of hot steamy sexy you’re lying naked in bed, or is it just me? B of course sees me without his partner’s approval or knowledge although like in several gay partnerships, seeing people on the side is not discussed although both parties usually know it is happening. A sees me when he has time, as he is attracted to older guys (a father figure?) and likes the sex we have. And of course I see them both because they are attractive, intelligent, sexy men that I enjoy spending a little time with. It is not merely “slam bam, thank you mam”; there is a degree of social interaction as well as sexual intercourse involved! Do fuck buddies exist in the straight world? I suppose they must but I am sure it is more difficult to keep emotions from entering into the relationships. And of course emotions can enter into gay relationships as well, but men have a way of looking at sex as just a sexual release kind of thing, we don’t always bundle it up with love and emotion as females seem more likely to do. I just wish I could find a fuck buddy in London. Ultimately I do want more than a fuck buddy but for now it is what I need until I get my life sorted out.

PM please feel free to point out my spelling and grammatical errors! You are my teacher of so many things!

2004-10-06T23:33:00.000-04:00

STRANGE DAY!

It has been a strange day today. Tonight my brother (the one with MS) and my niece were here for supper. After my niece left my brother had a meltdown. He is upset that his ex-wife is denying him access to his daughter. I understand his resentment but I also understand his ex-wife’s concern. Is he capable of caring for his daughter for extended time periods? He seems to have a temper and the outbursts although not always physical but more verbal that can be just as hurtful as a physical blow and certainly damage the psyche longer. He lost it tonight and said he was going to kill himself again. He has been to counseling but says the counseling is finished, as it was no longer required. Is this a result of him misunderstanding the councilors about his need for counseling or is it a reflection of the under-funded health system where resources are rationed? He definitely needs an outlet for his frustration. It is very hard for my parents to see their son so distraught. My brother is so worried that he will alienate himself from his youngest daughter as he has from his two older children from his first marriage that he is in fact making the same mistakes. He is alienating himself from his daughter but at least he is trying to talk about it with my parents this time around. He blames everything on the MS and while I am sure it aggravates the problem, it is not the real cause but his fear of alienating another child. I hope he can make it through these troubling times.

Today PM had his 2nd anniversary radio show. It was a very good broadcast and he played a few very touching songs and dedicated a song to me…how sweet. PM…Ich denke an Sie! Je pense a toi!

I also watched the movie The Station Agent (Le Chef de Gare). A very gentle nice movie about a group of strangers that become friends after first bonding with little in common then they push each other away as they try to deal with problems but then come back together. Isn’t it strange how we sometimes push people away when we need them the most?

I also got a “booty call” tonight that is a call from someone to have sex. This guy I met in June suddenly calls out of the blue and asks if I am interested in getting together again? He is a nice guy and interesting but the sex was not so good. I said yes as I was shocked and not sure how to say no gently…now what do I do???? I guess I can lie. I don’t really want to…and I enjoyed his company, just not the sex so much. The things a lonely person does.

I also had a flashback to when I was a child of 14 to 15. We lived on a farm in the country. In the summer I would go for a walk back into the woods and by the creek I would take all my clothes off. It felt so liberating to be naked outdoors and I would sit on a fallen tree by the creek and I rember the feel of the rough bark on my butt. Strange what thoughts go through your head sometimes?

Tonight I also remembered a time when I was about 28, before the Internet, when I wrote my phone number in a public phone both with something like for a good time call John at 277-7777. I did get a few people who actually called but I never met anyone that way…strange what a person does to try and meet someone!

2004-10-05T22:59:00.000-04:00

LOSER!

Today I felt like a real loser. Why? I went with my mother's to a friends place. He was doing her hair. Of course we had some little chat. How are you? What's new? Found a job yet? Why do these questions make me feel so bad. I feel like I have failed all the tests of the world. Is everyone laughing at me behind my back. Look at him, he can't find a job, he can't find a boyfriend, he doesn't have a life! Am I really that loser? Why should I feel embarassed about those kinds of questions. I am trying to find work! I do want to work! It has been too long I know but something has to happen, right? I feel like society no longer has a use for me. Yesterday I saw a job posting I really wanted and the HR Director was a friend of my brothers. So I sent him a note indicating my interest and to ask if he could find the status of the job. He talks to his friend and she says that I am too qualified for the job! What, I can't get a job, I find a position that interests me and they think I am too qualified! Shit what is a guy supposed to do. I guess they feel I would leave as soon as I found a better job, but that is not the type of person I am. It was a job I was sincerely interested in and therefore I would have stuck it out to learn more about the job, the company and other opportunities with the company.
It is strange, I guess I should be applying for jobs I don't feel qualified to do as they may find me the most qualified candidate for the job! Wow is this confusing! Why can't I just get a job I want? And why do I feel like such a big loser?

PM thanks for the nice talk this evening. You are truly amazing!

2004-10-04T23:06:00.000-04:00

ANOTHER DAY

Just another day today, not too much exciting happened. I made a batch of salsa, it took me all of the morning, I hope the results are worth the effort. The tasting will tell in a few days time. Actually found quite a few jobs to apply for today. I have to keep looking. I think I will go to Toronto for the Thanksgiving Holiday this weekend. As my family is away for the holiday weekend, Sunday I cooked a full turkey dinner for the family. It turned out well if I do say so myself. And the pumpkin and ruhbarb pies were a big hit. One of those traditional meals like the many similar meals my Grandmother made for the family through the years.

Today I was talking to the guy in the chat room that I had the big crush on, until I found out he was attached. But we seem to be talking again. It would be nice if we could become friends but somehow I don't thin kthat will ever happen so why do I bother, is it beause I am lonely? Am I just desperate to feel that someone out there wants to talk to me? Who knows, I'll never figure out my own head! Ate too much today, why, I knew I was doing it and I wasn't starving? Have finally got the play figured out for the most part in my head. I have the setting, the set up, the characters and the action. There is no real climax and not sure how I go about it, not really sure I can make it a thoughtful and deep play. Sort of taking the spin that it happens, and perhpas here are some reasons why, I hope it is somewhat funny and thought provoking. Still need to do a little research on the laws in the UK, history etc., but should be able to find it on the internet. Will rely on my friend FD to help with slang, some English slang and may I'll even throw in a Scotsman, I like the accents and they can be pretty sexy. So now I guess I just have to start putting words to paper or computer screen more acurately. I guess I have to try and be a bit disciplined and do so much every day.

I had a few words with PM today, he is really busy for the moment so a nice long chat will have to wait. I admire him for doing so manythings he wants.

2004-10-02T23:25:00.000-04:00

A PURPOSE?

Do I have a purpose in this life? I suppose everyone wonders if they have a purpose for this life. Hetrosexuals can argue they are here to continue the species by having children. But as a gay man, what could my purpose be. How have I contributed to society? I am not a famous, artist, writer, musician, politician or scholar etc. I am not a doctor or lawyer or philanthropist out to help the poor and destitute. I give to charities when I am able, to causes I find just but have I made a difference to this world? Probably not. If I leave this world tomorrow, a few friends would be sad for a while and my parents would miss me dearly but on the whole the rest of the world would not have noticed my time here on earth or my leaving. Were we all meant to have a purpose? As a gay some would argue our lifestyles are selfish and hedonistic, although there are just as many straights who lead the same kind of lifestyle. Should I be rushing out to do good deeds? I suppose once I get myself on track with a job etc. I should consider helping a worthy cause to make the world a better place but I still wouldn't be missed. I won't make any history books or be imortalized. I don't think all of us mortals here on earth could have been meant to be here for a purpose, because if we were all here to do good there would be noone who needed help. I must admit my life has been realitively easy considering the rest of the world that lives in poverty and must worry about where their next meal will come from. I have always had everything I needed at least materially. I may not have always had love and companionship but these are things only we in the wealthy parts of the world have time to even think about. Should I not be satisfied knowing that I have never knowingly hurt anyone (My ex's excepted, but that kind of hurt works both ways.)and that I have been a decent and kind person? Should I go out tomorrow and make my life's cause a charity? Right now I am a bit selfish as I am my own cause for the moment, a cause I can't seem to conquer.

PS: Thanks PM for calling today, you must have read my mind. It was good to hear your voice and say hello if only for a few moments.

2004-10-01T23:07:00.000-04:00

FRIENDS?

I often worry about friends, do I have any, am I a good friend, how do I make friends, how do I keep friends?Questions I should not be asking. Things that should come to me naturally. I have never had a best friend. I guess lovers have come closest to being a best friend but in my experience they abandon that role once the relationship ends. I have a female friend who is closest to being a best friend, but I am not her best friend. I think a best friend would also consider you their best friend. A friend you can call to talk about anything, a friend should not be afraid to tell you the truth. A friend can call you when they have a problem. A friend would also call you when they have good news. A friend would offer you a shoulder to cry on. And of course I would offer the same to them in return. Is the reason I don't have a best friend because I don't know how to be a best friend? Maybe people can sense my insecurity and that makes them hesitate. I know I am a loyal person, a trustworthy person, a compassionate person, a loving person and I am honest and reliable. But maybe these are not the qualities people look for in a friend. I have never really had many good friends. Even in public school I was a bit of a loner. Perhaps people sense my fear of opening up to people, I keep my emotions and thoughts close to myself. I can appear cold to others. I can seem alof. Perhaps I appear that way because I am not sure about myself, I doubt myself. People don't feel that they can trust someone who doubts themselves. Maybe this also is the impression I give in interviews? But how do I get faith in myself? If I believed I was a great friend would I project that to others? They say that if you love someone and that if they love you if you set them free they will return if the love is real. But that can not be the case in friendships because if both parties thought the same, there would be no effort to make contact. In friendship contact has to be made to maintain the relationship or it will fade. I guess we have all had friendship that we have let fade. We speak to the person or have contact with them less and less, we lose touch with them, we don't keep track of their lives and eventually they become strangers. But then I suppose it is possible to do the opposite and smother friends with too much attention and you become a nuisance instead of a positive part of their lives. I think I am analyzing this too much, surely friendships should be more natural, not contrived, they should feel comfortable not strange and foreign. I just have to be confident that I can offer friends something useful and that friends can provide me with the same. I am making it seem too difficult, let it be more fluid and natural. Friendships should be treasured and shared but not hoarded, enjoyed but not be made exclusive. Trust yourself, trust your instincts, trust your feelings, and go with your guts.

2004-09-29T22:51:00.000-04:00

LISTEN TO THE WISE

I had a restless night last night. I tossed and turned for hours, not the first time in the last few years but certainly the first time in the last few months I could not sleep. Yesterday I was quite down after having gotten back from Toronto. Then I spoke to Am, PM and SM. All are concerned about me but SM is afraid to say anything. PM on the other hand has this ability to say things to me that if from a stranger I would become defensive but he has this manner in which he can say the truth and yet it does not feels like criticism. He told me that I hadn't really been living life for the last few years even begininig in BXL which is true and that I should be out of my parent's house, which is true and that I need to take some chances which is also true. I guess wisdom does not always come with age. The man is ten years younger than me and ten years wiser. I guess he went through some turbulent times a number of years ago and unlike me has gained a great deal of knowledge and wisdom from the experience. I guess the only difference is that I do not have a job or have had a permanent full time job in several years where he has had employment continually. And as I am older I guess I am conditioned to lessen my risks not take more, but what do I really have to lose? I am in a situation I hate, I am embarassed for myself, I have no self esteem and I am not enjoying life, could it get any worse? PM of course you are right, but will I find the courage to do what I need to do? PM your friends are lucky, you are an understanding and caring individual. Someone who respects his friends, supports his friends and is their for them. How lucky your friends are PM.

I feel all alone here, of course physically I am not but mentally I don't have any such connection with my friends. Perhaps they are treating me cautiously as they are afraid to hurt my feelings or are unsure of my sometimes fragile state(although I can hide fragility well). But I guess I need to hear the truth, it will probabaly make me a stronger and better person. For some reason it seems easy for me to see other people's strengths but when it comes to myself I only see weaknesses. Have I always been this way or did I let myself slip into this hole? The downward slide started when I got fired from the job at E&Y. SM practically accused me of purpusely trying to get fired. In fact I tried every avenue not to get fired, but as he was away on business for two months when this was occuring he never new my real anguish and the sleepless nights that business caused. Losing the job was very bad for my self esteem and being in a city surrounded by very intelligent people or at least people who felt they were intellictually superior made me feel even worse. Yes perhaps I could only speak one language and they could speak several, yes perhaps I did not attend schools of the same calibre as them, and I didn't know anythig about opera or lierature, and they thought I was the ignorant North American, but at least I had common sense, could balance a check book, I new more about financial matters and I have great taste and I did not work for the great bureacracy's in which it was easy to slip into the no need to strive to be the best to get ahead mode. But at the time I let my self feel inferior to them and my slide down into the hole continued quickly. In a land where I could not speak the official languages searching for work became difficult and in fact I was not even sure how to go about the search or who to turn to for help. So to make myself feel better I believed I was important being the perfect partner, host and household manager but in reality that was all a facade. And perhaps that is my greatest weakness presenting a facade to fool all but the closest of friends and I am probably still doing that. Afraid to admit my real situation and my real feelings. There are so many things I would like to do if I had the money but now I let the fear of failure, my age phobia and fear of the unknown stop me. I wish knewing the problem was enough to overcome the problem!

2004-09-28T18:24:00.000-04:00

POST TORONTO

Today has been a tough day. I am suffering the affects of post Toronto blues. From being in Toronto as my own person enjoying life to coming home to a small town living with my parents. I made the wrong decision to move back home after leaving Europe but I did it out of fear. I had no job and only savings to survive. I knew I would not be happy in this small town but chose the safe option. My instinct was to move directly to Toronto but how do you do that afte rliving in another country for eight years. I have no credit rating here, which you need to sign a lease, I had very little savings to pay for rent while I job hunt or to pay for food and necessities. Perhaps it is my age, the older you get, you become more cautious or is that just me. I guess I have to do something soon, but what? I guess find any job I can in the neighbouring larger city. But then I still have to worry about how I can commute there while I save money for the lease on an apartment. Shit I seem to keep myself in this hole with negative thoughts. Help, help, help, someone help me! But perhaps this is my test in life, to get myself out of this place mentally and physically. It is a struggle that seems to never end and one I thought I would never have to face. In this western society we are so brainwashed about saving for the future and your retirement. But at what expense; by not enjoying life for the moment. And who knows how long we have here on earth? Yes I did/do have some savings, my emergency back to Canada fund is gone, the down payment for my own place is gone, next will be my retirement savings, them my very small pension savings and then my stocks etc. Gosh when I put it on paper I don't seem so bad but it is the unkown that is scarey. But at the sake of worrying about the future I am not living the present. JUST FUCKING DO IT!!!!

I had an MSN Messenger conversation with both PM and SM today. PM is such a wise man, the more I know him the more I respect and admire him. He lives life for the moment but at the same time is kind and considerate towards his family and friends. He is enjoying life. And although considerably younger than me seems to have his shit together. PM thank you for all your support, I miss you. SM was politely saying hi today out of guilt for neglecting me I suspect. But at least he said hello. It still hurts like hell to have lost my best friend. I even tried to ask him some personal questions today without appearing rude but with a sense of genuine interests which is the reason I did ask. My mother was asking about using his flat in London so I cautiously asked SM if she could use his flat if it was empty. He said yes and seemed very sincere. Maybe we have both got passed the stage of blaming each other? I do hope that at some stage in the future we can again be good friends.

OK JOE, now get your fucking shit together...change tactics....do something....take a risk...start living...don't be afraid to fail...become stronger...become a better person....become something, anything....

2004-09-26T13:42:00.000-04:00

MORE CULTURE!

Yesterday Saturday I found more culture to entertain me in Toronto. I went to an exhibition of photographs and videos by a photographer. The exhibit was very interesting with two main themes. One involved photographs of people clothed and then naked and super imposing the images. It was like we had x-ray vision and could see through the subjects clothes. The others were collages of several photographs of the same subjects arranged in such a way as to suggest a kind of movement in the photographs. I wish my friend PM could see this exhibit. He is a photographer and would have liked the exhibit very much.

Last night I went to another play, Cold Meat Party by Brad Fraser. It was sort of a Big Chill for people of my age with a gay slant to the play. I enjoyed it very much. It did have some bizarre twists in it which the general public probably did not appreciate but fans of Brad Fraser surely wood. Two of the characters were involved in body mutation. A woman who was diagnosed with breast cancer and was facing the possibility of having her breast removed surgically. The other a friend of hers from university was going to castrate himself, he had found a woman on the Internet who would perform the procedure. The man had always felt his balls were alien to his body and had attempted self castration unsuccessfully as a teenager but his mother walked in and it was blamed on the inhalation of fumes from the model he was building at the time. It was quite interesting to see the reaction of the female who did not want parts of her body removed but would have to in order to live and her resentment of a man who was willing removing body parts that were doing him no harm. I think this would make an excellent movie. It was also interesting to note that the play was commissioned by two theatres one in Manchester, England and one in Toronto, but the Toronto theatre refused to produce it because of the controversial content. The play was produced in Manchester and the smaller fringe theatre in Toronto brought over the director from Manchester for it's production a year later. It was also a bit of a mind trip being taken back to memories of the 80's by means of music and the stories of the characters.

I then met a couple of friends G and M who I had been chatting to on the Internet for a couple of months. we had a glass of wine and some nice chat. It was late so I took myself home to rest my cold but we are meeting again this afternoon and I am looking forward to it.

I called PM to wish him a happy Birthday today but he was busy so I will have to wait and catch up with all his news later in the week. Well tomorrow I go back home to the land of limited culture. I will miss Toronto.

2004-09-24T10:30:00.000-04:00

OPERA

Last night I went to the Canadian premier of Margaret Atwood's, The Handmaid's Tale. It was a gala event with the corporate sponsours hosting pre-show cocktail receptions and there was a pre-show talk about the opera which I attended. The talk was very useful in ensuring that I got the most out of the opera. The actual opera was very good...the story was excellent, the set and costumes very effective and the music was good. But please these long curtain calls have to stop! Everyone involved in the production was called on stage, including Margaret Atwood, Poul Ruders the composer, Paul Bentley the librettist( I didn't even know what this was until last night!). All of the performers and writers etc. are being paid well for their performances and well it is traditional for the cast to take a bow, when does it end???? They should be paying the audiences for such extended applause!!!!

Fashion at the opera, while I forgot it was opening night and went in a pair of military khaki green pants and grey t-shirt, but I was comfortable in the stuffiness at the top of the balcony in the cheap seats. Some of the older people still dress for the opera, and because it was opening night there were even people in ball gowns and tuxedos. And then you get the after work crowd still in business attire, the real opera hounds in casual and sensible attire, kids in their street wear and the middle-class suburbanites who's idea of dressing to go to the opera is socks with their sandals, both men and women....look people socks with sandals is a big fashion faux pas, if you want to wear socks, wear enclosed shoes!!!! Opera was originally entertainment for the masses so different styles of dress are to be expected and accepted although in today's world expensive opera ticket prices tend to make it a more elitist affair, although most opera companies do try to make a limited amount of tickets affordable to those of us on very restricted incomes. I enjoyed the opera last night, I think I will have to read the book now. The only drawback was the cold I woke up with yesterday morning. And because of the hot streak here at the moment, the theatre was a bit warm and stuffy.

While I think that is about all my culture this trip to Toronto, but it is Art Week commencing today so who knows what other exhibits I may run into unexpectedly.

2004-09-23T10:32:00.000-04:00

CULTURE?

Yesterday I went for a bit of culture and saw the play SNOWMAN by Greg McCarthur at Buddies In Bad Times Theatre in Toronto. It was a very good play, serious but with humour and it made you think. The cast was well chosen and played their respective roles well. The set although simple was effective. The play was about people dealing with their problems, some of the problems you can relate to, some you can't. The impetus for dealing with their personal problems was the discovery of a 10,000 year old body found frozen in a glacier. I guess being a gay man I could relate most to the young boy who found the body. He had been abandoned by his family and living in a small town had no gay friends. So he became emotionality attached to the frozen body as it was a comfort to him, he saw it as somebody who could understand him, someone who could not reject him, someone able to love him unconditionally. It sounds sad but I can assure you growing up gay in a small town is hard, perhaps not harder than a large city but in a sense you feel more isolated and more alone as you never see people like yourself. I liked the play a great deal and expect it will do well where ever or when ever it is produced and kudos to the playwright, a great job! I aspire to write a piece such as this someday but I am still lacking the discipline to just sit down and do it. I was speaking with my friend FD yesterday who was questioning me on my work to date, thank you FD for the gentle reminder.

And today I am going to indulge in a bit more culture as I go to the opera, The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. I am hoping it does not disappoint and that I do not fall asleep. Before the performance there is a talk about the piece which I will try to attend as when it comes to opera, I find the more you know about it before hand, the easier it is to understand. I will let you know what I think of the production.

I was suppopsed to meet a couple of friends this week, but have not heard from them. Perhaps they are busy? Or perhaps they weren't sincere whey they said they wanted to get together. Oh well, I will see what the rest of the week brings.

2004-09-21T10:11:00.000-04:00

PASSIONS-AMBITIONS

I have never had a passion in life that has been socially acceptable, my passions for food or sex are considered addictions because they don't fit into the notion of normal in society. Addictions are also passions out of control, well might some say my passion for food is out of control because I am over weight or I use it as a means to make me feel better...but it does not control my life and I can survive when on a diet, I don't get suicidal or depressed or emotionally enraged. And the same thing can be said for sex, certainly not addicted to it in the sense that it controls my life and I certainly can go some time without having it...but again it is how it fits in with the norms of society. I could easily blame my parents for my lacks of a passion, for not encouraging my interests as a child, but in all honesty they were children raising children and had more pressing matters like making sure we had a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs and clothes to wear. It is easy to look back and make judgments but realistically my parents did everything they thought they could do. They certainly encouraged my brothers in their passion and love of sports but I suppose they could understand those passions. My interests were always different and something they could not relate to so did not know how to deal with them. But what is stopping me from developing passions in life now? Fear of failure, fear of looking like a newbie to a subject, but in honesty I know people who have a real passion in life love to share their knowledge of their personal passions so that is merely an excuse. Perhaps it is the the thought of appearing ignorant but in all honesty, I am ignorant of many things and am not afraid to admit those of which I am ignorant. Perhaps it is just laziness?

I have many friends with many passions and have been lucky to have those friends share their passions with me. Friends into music, opera, writing, film etc., Perhaps I don't want to develop a passion because I feel I will bore people with it or I may lose their interest if they only wish to follow their own passions. There are so many things in life I would love to learn more about but stop myself from doing it. Why.....as in a famous advertising slogan, "Just Do It". And right now my passion should be to find employment but I consider this my current job..and while a few are lucky to have work as a passion, for me at the moment it isn't my passion. I think I'll try and get tickets to the new opera this week, "The Handmaiden's Tale", by Margaret Atwood, I enjoy modern opera even though I know very little about it. Just got to take a chance and experiment.

2004-09-20T13:04:00.000-04:00

THINKING!!

Yesterday I was on a bus to Toronto for two hours. Again too much time to think, wish I could read on the bus but the motion makes me sick. I am trying to be positive about my thoughts these days but it is not always easy. Sunday I just couldn't stop thinking that I don't have a job! I expected it to take at least six months to find a job and quite possibly longer but over a year it is not good. Am I just unqualified for all the jobs, or over-qualified or too old. This out of work things does a real number on your self esteem. I guess when I do find something and I look back, I may be able to see the positive character building aspect of such an ordeal?

When I got into Toronto, I decided to go to a movie. Of course I picked a mushy love story and got a bit teary eyed a few times. Movie wasn't great but it was entertaining...in case you wondering "Wimbledon" was the name of the movie. I seem to be so emotional in my middle years..I don't know why, perhaps because at this age you beg to appreciate the true value of relationships with others more. When you are young it seems easier to have friends that come and go quickly, but I seem to want to hang on to friends more now. Maybe it is not an age issue just me, I do try and make an effort to keep in contact with friends.

Met a guy Sunday night, we had been chatting for a while he is from Chicago but in Toronto on work occasionally. Last night we were finally able to meet. Wow.....talk about a passionate evening, while physically the meeting was A+++ (especially the 3:30AM wake up!!)I don't think mentally we connected a whole lot, possible because being the same age, we realize the problems of long distance relationships and the complications involved. But he is a nice guy and if we meet again it would be terrific.!

While what else will Toronto hold for me this week. It certainly is more adventurous than the small town I call home for the moment.

2004-09-17T22:52:00.000-04:00

DOWN DAY

Today has been a very down day, I am feeling sorry for myself. I feel all alone today. I feel I have no friends. To console myself I eat, not because I am hungry but because it makes me feel good. I have a very hard time making friends. I seem to find it difficult becoming friends with people. I guess I feel an attraction to people very quickly and if that is not reciprocated I feel that the other person does not like me. But in reality I know friendships take time to develop. I would love to have a few friends I could call when I feel like talking or someone I could call to go to a movie or out for a drink. But I am so insecure I feel I can't do that, I feel that people should phone and ask me, if I do, I fear rejection. Even if the rejection is for a legitimate reason such as prior plans. I guess I am afraid that people won't or don't like me which is silly as everyone is not going to like me, I don't like every person I meet and I certainly don't bond or connect with people on the first meeting all the time! I feel like I am 14 again. When I was in high school living in the country, a time when I knew I was different from all my other friends and their was no one else like me around, a very lonely time in my life. Here I am today feeling exactly the same. I am a middle age man, I should have a career, I should have some good friends around me, I should have a nest egg for my future, I should have a home of my own, and I should have a significant other in my life. I have none of this. Because of my situation I feel others are laughing at me, I feel like a failure, I am an outsider! It makes me more insecure. I wonder why anyone would want to be around me, what could I possibly offer others? I know making friends takes time and effort, but I get so frustrated when I make the effort and nothing evolves from it. Perhaps my social skills are poor or perhaps people sense my insecurity and my negative energy so they prefer not to spend time with me? At my age I should have this all figured out...my life seems such a disaster....will I ever get back on track....I only seem to be able to make a mess of things.....

I had my dose of Prozac tonight with a few minutes of chat with P tonight on MSN messenger. Why do I feel so at ease with him, do we see life in a similar way or do we share common feelings and experiences? Don't analyze it just accept it as a very special friendship, one to enjoy and hold on to!

2004-09-13T23:19:00.000-04:00

A SLUT!!!

Am I a slut? I have been talking to a guy, D ,in one of the chat rooms for quite some monhts. He and his parnter P have been together a long time, this seems a considerable feet today and even more so in the gay world. I was invited down to their place today knowing they have a open type of relationship. I was not sure what to expect but wanted to meet them. I nervously made the drive and when I arrived was even more nervous as I rang the doorbell and pleasantly suprised as a tall handsome man opened the door...his pictures and web cam did not do him justice. We hugged and kissed and he invited me in. We went to the porch and sat and talked. D was amazingly easy to talk to and a very wise man. After a while I had sat beside him and we hugged and touched and kissed and cuddled. We then went to his office and checked out the chat rooms, one of their friends knew I was coming to visit that day and was asking about me. D asked the guy if he wanted to come and play with me, the guy said yes he would be there in 20 minutes. D and I then made our way to the bedroom for some serious kissing and full body contact...it was great. Then the doorbell rang announcing the friends arrival. D told me to stay in the bedroom and wait. Next thing this other guy G walks in, a very handsome distinguished man and begins to kiss me. G and I then proceed to have some very physical sex for the next 45 minutes to an hour. I made G come but I did not come. G then left and I showered. D then asked me to stay for lunch and prepared lunch, we ate chatted and then made our way to the bedroom again, where we continued our heavy kissing, cuddling and rubbing sesssion. D made me cum twice within 20 minutes he had me so turned on and he then came big time. I showered again got dressed and we chatted a bit and decided to go to the shop D's boyfriend, P ran, to say hi before I set off home. I got a tour of the shop and met P, he was also a very handsome man. He asked me if I was in a hurry to go and asked if I would like to stay for a glass of wine and dinner. I said yes. We then had dinner and went back to their place for a glass of wine and chat. One thing lead to another and soon the three of us were naked and in bed. It was a very hot three way, but D left after a while and P and I finished jerking each other off to two huge big cum loads! Then P and I took a shower together to clean up. The three of us then chatted for a few minutes before I set off on the trip home. Those were and are two of the nicest guys I have ever met and both very handsome and intelligent. I really enjoyed their company both the mental and physical aspects. And they both seemed to have their lives so together. I need more friends like them. Even if the sex never happens again I think these guys are great. But...and their always is a but...why does society make me feel like I should feel guilty about sharing and enjoying sex with other people. It was fun, between consenting adults and no one was hurt...should that be wrong...no...it was fun!!! I am not a Slut!!

On the job front this week, some encouraging news. I had gone for an interview in Toronot but did not get the job although the company called back and said they liked me and that I should apply for some of the other positions available with the company, which I have done, perhaps they will see me as a candidate for one of
these positions. The lady who interviewed me also passed on a copy of my resume to a friend of hers who works for a rival company. So obvioulsy she believes I would be good in the business. I am going to follow-up with the person she passed my resume to and see what develops. Maybe someone is hearing my wishes?

2004-09-07T23:34:00.000-04:00

Panic and Fear

Yes it has set in again. I had two interviews last week. One interview was horrible with the interviewer telling me to be successful as sales person I would have to lie, cheat and steal. The other went well but they were concerned I was too experienced and qualified...does that mean too old and they were worried I would leave if something better came along? This whole job hunting thing has got me so confused. I took a course but I guess I am not following their suggestions or I should be working now. Basically the course said that you will have more luck by who you know then what you know. I guess that is the unfair part of life , unless of course it works in your favour. In a year of job hunting I have had five interviews and two because someone I know had recommended me to the company. So I guess it is true, "it's not what you know but who you know" but then haven't I always known that?

Still struggling with my chat room addiction...well I guess it never was an addiction, but I have been avoiding it more lately, probably because I am the type that wants to believe everyone is honest and good, but that has not been my experience. There are some strange people out there that seem to get off on misleading people, but for what purpose? Guess I just have to be much more sceptical.

I haven't started to write my play yet even though I have noted the basic premise and I got some excellent feedback, suggestions and encouragement from my friend FD. She is a very loyal friend. Hey people send me your experiences or thoughts of sex in public toilets!!!

Had a call from PM Sunday. I was surprised as I had called him on Saturday. Sunday's talk was gentle and serious. It's nice knowing that someone actually wants to talk to me. I still have mixed feelings for him even though I know he just wants to be friends. I would love to go and visit him, but am not sure it is a good idea for me or that he even actually wants to see me, even if he did say I should come see his apartment in Bruxelles. It would be so sweet if I could arrive for his birthday on the 26th of this month. But would he be pleasantly surprised? Or am I just being insecure again. Is there a cure for insecurity? I read one place that you should make a list of your good qualities and read them out loud. But it is hard to think of good qualities when your ex tells you you are useless and a whole list of other negative things, you don't have a job, you can't make new friends, you don't have much money and your own friends and family are beginning to doubt you. And the more insecure I believe I am the more insecure I become. It seems to be a vicious circle.

My friend FD just gave me the site of another blog to check out. I just briefly looked at it tonight and it was written by a 26 year old female and the subject was male balls. And as gay man some of her questions are just as confusing to me. Do I like them big or small...I like variety. Smooth or hairy...hmmmm I like both. And do I like the feel of them banging various parts of my body...definitely yes. And if I was a runner...well yes I'd wear a jock or some of those spandex pants to keep everything in place. And yes girls when you get hit in the nuts, balls or bullocks it hurts like hell so that is why we treat them nicely..not because they are beautiful...because they're not! But right now I would love to be holding someone's in my hand now. Sweet dreams!

Panic and Fear

2004-09-07T23:29:00.000-04:00

PANIC AND FEAR

Yes it has set in again. I had two interviews last week. One interview was horrible with the interviewer telling me to be successful as sales person I would have to lie, cheat and steal. The other went well but they were concerned I was too experienced and qualified...does that mean too old and they were worried I would leave if something better came along? This whole job hunting thing has got me so confused. I took a course but I guess I am not following their suggestions or I should be working now. Basically the course said that you will have more luck by who you know then what you know. I guess that is the unfair part of life , unless of course it works in your favour. In a year of job hunting I have had five interviews and two because someone I know had recommended me to the company. So I guess it is true, "it's not what you know but who you know" but then haven't I always known that?

Still struggling with my chat room addiction...well I guess it never was an addiction, but I have been avoiding it more lately, probably because I am the type that wants to believe everyone is honest and good, but that has not been my experience. There are some strange people out there that seem to get off on misleading people, but for what purpose? Guess I just have to be much more sceptical.

I haven't started to write my play yet even though I have noted the basic premise and I got some excellent feedback, suggestions and encouragement from my friend FD. She is a very loyal friend. Hey people send me your experiences or thoughts of sex in public toilets!!!

Had a call from PM Sunday. I was surprised as I had called him on Saturday. Sunday's talk was gentle and serious. It's nice knowing that someone actually wants to talk to me. I still have mixed feelings for him even though I know he just wants to be friends. I would love to go and visit him, but am not sure it is a good idea for me or that he even actually wants to see me, even if he did say I should come see his apartment in Bruxelles. It would be so sweet if I could arrive for his birthday on the 26th of this month. But would he be pleasantly surprised? Or am I just being insecure again. Is there a cure for insecurity? I read one place that you should make a list of your good qualities and read them out loud. But it is hard to think of good qualities when your ex tells you you are useless and a whole list of other negative things, you don't have a job, you can't make new friends, you don't have much money and your own friends and family are beginning to doubt you. And the more insecure I believe I am the more insecure I become. It seems to be a vicious circle.

My friend FD just gave me the site of another blog to check out. I just briefly looked at it tonight and it was written by a 26 year old female and the subject was male balls. And as gay man some of her questions are just as confusing to me. Do I like them big or small...I like variety. Smooth or hairy...hmmmm I like both. And do I like the feel of them banging various parts of my body...definitely yes. And if I was a runner...well yes I'd wear a jock or some of those spandex pants to keep everything in place. And yes girls when you get hit in the nuts, balls or bullocks it hurts like hell so that is why we treat them nicely..not because they are beautiful...because they're not! But right now I would love to be holding someone's in my hand now. Sweet dreams!

Post your free ad now! Yahoo! Canada Personals

2004-09-01T23:19:00.000-04:00

GAY TOILET SEX AGAIN?

Hey guys and girls, don't you have any stories about sex in public toilets? I need some ideas for the play I am attempting to write. I sent my friend FD some of my preliminary ideas, she liked my initial ideas and made some valuable comments and suggestions. FD has a great imagination is an excellent writer and a good friend...I only wish distance didn't seperate us but that is life!

I had two interviews this week. The first one was absolutely horrible. It was local and was for a commisioned sales person with a national chain of stores. I came out of the interview feeling as if I had been physically assaulted. The guy interviewing me kept suggesting to be successful I would have to lie, cheat and steal and I am not ready for that! His line of questioning was very bizzare. I had read the company website before the interview and was bombarded with lines about trust, honour and fairness. Somewhere between the website and the interview all that was lost. I actually wrote a letter telling the guy to go shove his job, that I would not sink that low. I also sent a copy to the CEO of the company. I have heard back from the guy who interviewed me, basically saying he did all that to show me how tough commission sales is...but really...to go against my morals and ethics...that was too much. I will be curious to hear if the CEO responds to my comments.

The second interview was much better and more traditional. I first met with the Vice President who was concerned I was too qualified and expecting too much, but I told him I understood that the position was entry level and that I was looking for growth and opportunities. The actual interview with the supervisor was quite good and I hope to hear from the company in a few weeks. I got the interview as a friend of mine heard about the job through one of the salesmen she deals with. It seems to be a very good company to work for and is a highly respected and well known company. But I still have to deal with several issues including my age, apparently being over qualified and the fact that my recent references are out of the country which some people perceive as a problem. I will just have to keep my fingers crossed and wait.

My brother with MS had another episode of losing his cool again but this time on the phone. His ex wife phoned about something and he began threatening her that he would kidnap his own daughter so he could see her more often. But does he not realize that would only be a losing proposition. Of course all this upset my mother who is concerned not only for the welfare of my brother but of her granddaughter as well. My brother goes for another counciling session tomorrow, but what he actually discusses in these sessions may have nothing to do with these problems. I have come to the conclusion that all of this is not merely about the MS he is dealing with but that he has problems dealing with authority and believes he is always right. I feel the MS only adds to these problems.

2004-08-26T22:36:00.000-04:00

Public Toilet Sex

Hey guys and girls. Ever had sex in a public toilet. Ever been cottaging or to a tea room ( gay sex in public toilets) ? If you have, I would love to hear about your experiences or experiences of others. I am trying to put together a play on sex in toilets, my first ideas are about gay sex but girls if you have experiences with it let me know. You can post your experiences to this blog anonamously so no worries about me fininding out who you are. I would be also interested in articles about this subject or websites that post listings of public toilets where guys meet for sex. Your help is appreciated.

2004-08-22T23:42:00.000-04:00

Chat Room Junkie

Am I a chat room junkie? Can I go a day without them? Of course I can if otherwise occupied but if I am sitting at home not doing much I seem to have this urge to log into them. Perhaps I can start the first chapter of a twelve step program to rid me of these chat rooms? It is nice to talk to someone when you feel alone, but then how real is such a conversation? My case in point, the guy I fell and talked about in a previous posting, for believing his story and then finding out that it was all just a tall tale( I suppose points should be awarded for admiting he lied?), because he was lonely and wanted to chat. But we did actually meet in person, he seems like a nice guy but not sure of his reason for meeting. He says he is happy in his life and with his partner, so what was the point of meeting me? Was he just looking for sex or a quick blow job? Maybe but he didn't get it although I was tempted as he is a very handsome man with a lot of charisma. I could have easily succumbed to the weakness of my flesh but for what purpose? I would be a secret in his life that no one could know about and the sex would be one sided...he would get his jollies by having me service him, ahhh no thanks that is not what sex is about for me. And yet I still have this desire to talk to him, why? Is it because I want to prove something? Perhaps I want to prove to myself that I am attractive to him and he might service me or even just want to hang out with me because I am a nice person. All a bit too wierd really. Probably just two lonely people in the world hoping to feel less lonely by being in each other's presecence in person or via a chat room. Oh the modern world...although we have more ways than ever to stay in touch with people and to communicate we seem to feel more lonely and alone.

Had a call this morning from P. It is always a pleasant day when P calls. His birthday is coming up next month and I'd love to give him something really special, but not sure what that would be. I 'd also love to visit him for his birthday, but perhaps this is a bad idea because he may not really want to see me or I would be disappointed as the basis of our relationship has changed. But I like him very much and value his friendship, if we lived closer I am sure we would be very good friends.

Had an idea for a play the other day....should get off may ass and put some of the ideas to paper, what do I have to lose? A few sheets of paper and a bit of time that I would otherwise waste in chat rooms. I know I am not a great writer but I do think that I come up with interesting ideas and even if I can not make the best presentation of those ideas...perhaps my ideas would or could intrigue someone talented enought to actually polish them and produce them as a play, it would be a wonderful feeling seeing something you created on stage. Well the working title is "The City Cottage", I'll have to see if I can get past the title and put more of my ideas to paper.

Getting frustrated about a job again as my recent good leads seem to have fizzled out. And at the moment there has been a slow down of hiring because of holidays but hopefully September will bring some more opportunities and an actual job!

Of course I was in a chat room yesterday and a guy I had met two months ago said hi. At first I did not know who it was until he reminded me of his name, D. He was a nice guy and we had a good time. When I left I had given him my phone number and email address as I was off to Toronto for three weeks but I never heard from him again. He says he lost my details which seems strange because he is an accountant and judging by his home and words appears to be avery organized person. He also said he thought I had decided to stay in Toronto and that he didn't want a long distance relationship ( Is two hours a long distance, to me no, to him maybe?) . Anyway he said he wanted to see me again so Tuesday we are going to see a movie, The Bourne Identity. He has called me everynight since then and we have had an hour long conversation. It should be an interesting time. He is a really nice guy, good looking and sincere but he seems a bit naive and not so wordly...not that those are bad traits...just don't know if he is really my type, I don't even know what we have in common besides sex, but lets give it a chance and just see what happens, at the very least we may become friends.

While I think that puts me up to date since my last entry. I must become more disciplined and try to do my entries more regularily.

2004-08-16T22:16:00.000-04:00

Old Fool

Yep just call me an old fool. The guy I had the long chat with, well it had been going on for quite a few evenings, then he tells me he is in a reltionship and happy. Am I a fool for falling for someone in a chat room? Is it just because I want to find someone I cling on to everything just in case it might work out? Oh well when I re-read my last entry I sounded a bit doubtful about the whole thing and I guess I had reason to be, but I let myself believe something else. Oh well no harm done I guess, it wasn't like it had gone very far, it just seemed like I had connected with someone but the reality is that it wasn't a conncection. Life goes on and someday, somewhere, somehow a nice person will come into my life.

Went to a friends tonight for a barbeque. It was nice just relaxing and sitting around talking. Should do this kind of things more often.

Tonight while I was at my friends, P called. He was in a talkative mood but unfortunately I was only able to say hello and a few words. I still like this guy very much and my feelings for him are still confusing. But he has been a good friend and for that I am thankful. If ever I really wanted to talk I know he would be there to listen or to make me laugh. I hope he calls again soon or I'll call him so we can have a nice long talk about nothing and everything.

My ex S.M. was on MSN Messenger today and said hello, but I am not sure why. I don't tell him much of what is going on in my life as it makes him feel guilty. I don't know why I want to save at least a friendship, but I really like him and he is a nice guy even if he is just as confused as the rest of us. Maybe sometime in the future we will finally be able to have a real conversation.

My friend F.D., sent a note the other day asking why I hadn't been writing much in my Blog lately. I don't really have a reason, perhaps laziness or perhaps I just do not feel the need to write at the moment. For me writing is a type of therapy and I seem to be dealing with things better for the moment. And who really wants to read about me whining?

2004-08-05T22:44:00.000-04:00

Chat Room Buddy

Last night I had a 4 1/2 hour on-line conversation with a guy. We have chatted several times over the last few weeks, but the talk last night was unusual. We seemed to get on so well and talked about all kinds of things. His screen name is bornnatural, his real name is M. I have never seen a photo of him but he has seen my photo. Last night we were ready to meet but we live about 20 miles away from each other and he had to get up early for work and was leaving for a long weekend with his family after work. I am also away in Toronto this weekend. We promised to chat on Monday again and arrange a meeting this coming week. But he is playing it very cautious. He has not given me any real personal information such as an email address, phone number etc. While I will gladly provide these, he does not want them yet. Is this guy for real?. I can't imagine someone talking that long as a game, but I guess it could happen. We just seemed to click on so many different levels, it is scaring me. I have been thinking about him since last night and now I am afraid to meet him if it ever happens. I think he is too good for me and he deserves someone better. While he knows a lot about me and I know a lot about him, there are some things in my past I am sure he would not like, but he hasn't asked yet and I don't know his past. It is so easy to be honest with someone in a chat room, of course it is also very easy to be dishonest. I have been honest with him and he seems the most sincere of guys, but I just keep thinking it is too good to be true. I wanted to send him an email today, but I am unable to because I do not have his personal email and to send one through the chat room you have to be a paid member which I am not and will not become. So I guess I will just play the waiting game. He thinks it is fate we were destined to meet...but I am not so sure. I have had great conversations in chat rooms before and after a few weeks you never talk to the person again, what I think of as a great bond is only a temporary thing that the other person does not take seriously. I guess I have learned my lesson and I am being hesitant and sceptical but something inside me wants to beleive it could be real and that we could have a chance. If we do meet and we do click, it would be great. I guess you will have to follow my blog to see if anyting develops!

On the job search, it is becoming more optimistic. An old colleague I used to work with called about an opening at her company. This is great as we get along well and work well together, she is going to try and get her boss to look at my resume. She had also recommended a recruiting firm, to which I posted my resume. I got a response that day about a job in London, Ontario with a firm that is owned by a Belgian Company. That would be a strange twist having moved back to Canada from living in Belgium and then working for a Belgian company! And the third opportunity has been with another recruiting firm that has called three times to see if I am interested in becoming a head hunter and I meet wtih them Monday in Toronto. Even if nothing comes of these opportunities it has helped boost my self esteem. Someone out there thinks highly of me!!!

An update on my brother M. He seems to be doing well the last few days. I don't know if it is his new anti-depressants or the conforontation with me, my Mom and my Dad. I do hope we can get him into a counciling program soon. He needs professional help. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

2004-08-04T22:00:00.000-04:00

Fighting Depression

No it's not me but my brother M. A little background, he is my youngest brother, he has MS, he was diagnosed about five years ago, no longer able to work and on a disability pension, married twice, first wife two kids, second wife one child and she left him a year ago because of his depression. Now it has all bottled up and he hasn't gotten any help to deal with all this stuff. His second wife called yesterday to say if he did not pay his child support he could not see his daughter. He flipped, he called my Mom and started crying. She said she would go over to his place , five minutes away. I said I would go with her. We got there and he began crying and had a breakdown. He through all his medications everywhere, then overturned a coffee table and started screaming he would be better dead, he didn't want to live any longer this way and that he was going to kill himself. My Mother and I tried to calm him down but he was working himself into a right state, then he was face to face with my Mom saying he was going to punch her lights out. It was very scarey to see a man become so uncontrollable. He began running around the apartment and went to his bedroom. Mom went into the bedroom and he begin threatening her again. I rushed in and tried to wrestle him to the bed, but despite his claim of weakness because of the disease, his adrenilin rush made him strong, but I was able to restrain him until he gained his composure. Meanwhile Mom is breaking down and wants to call 911 to get help in dealing with him. He calmed down and began to cry uncontrollable. We talked to him for quite a while and we convinced him to come home with us for the night. We took away his car keys and secretly searched his apartment for guns as he was a hunter. It was a long night with lots of crying between him, my Mom and my Dadwho had returned from work. That day he had been to see a phsychiatrist who had prescribed new anti-depressants. He had taken one and by 7PM, he was asleep in a chair, we had to wake him to go to bed. The next day Mom had his daughter for the day and he seem to be calmed by the visit. A lot of work is needed. I can't imagine what he is going through but he needs help. We are trying to get it for him but living in a small town such services are not always easily accessible and because of the health care systems long waits are encountered, not good things for a man in his fragile condition. I hope he can make it through this rough patch, we all want to help him but he often sees our help as a threat and unwelcome. It is not only hard on him but all of his family as well. I hope it will all work out!